Ever had a relationship with a fearful avoidant?

[ChapelHillSooner]

I know many followed my thread earlier which started out with me breaking up with someone to date another I had known for decades and how that came crashing down.

The good news is that I am back in the original relationship. I don't deserve it. Honestly, she probably saved me this last month or so as I wasn't making it through this without her. I am thankful for that but ashamed that I asked her to do that. She showed me what true love is. It isn't intensity but steadiness.

Anyway, I have figured out that M is a fearful avoidant. She had very significant childhood trauma which is common for fearful avoidants.

Twice now (once 30+ years ago) she has come into my life and just gone full speed making me feel like nobody has ever made me feel. Both times it ended almost overnight as she went into the avoidance stage. A fearful avoidant will completely shut down. You won't get closure. You won't get an explanation. No amount of apologizing or asking for communication will work. The harder you try the more they will manufacture outrage towards you.

I've had plenty of relationships but she is the only one who has done that to me. I didn't know how to handle it. If you experience this, all you can do is just walk away and stay silent.

I have dated what I think was a dismissive avoidant. I ended that relationship when it became long distance. Those people are far less damaging because they are somewhat honest about it. Fearful avoidants leave complete wreckage in their wake because of their initial intensity.

In some ways this has all been a positive. I learned that the person I thought was the one who got away is a deeply flawed human.

Anyone else experience a fearful avoidant? Would love to hear your stories.

 

[lawtig02]

My first thought when I saw the title was, "Oh shit, my wife finally found this board."

 

[NYCBlueBlood]

I know many followed my thread earlier which started out with me breaking up with someone to date another I had known for decades and how that came crashing down.

The good news is that I am back in the original relationship. I don't deserve it. Honestly, she probably saved me this last month or so as I wasn't making it through this without her. I am thankful for that but ashamed that I asked her to do that. She showed me what true love is. It isn't intensity but steadiness.

Anyway, I have figured out that M is a fearful avoidant. She had very significant childhood trauma which is common for fearful avoidants.

Twice now (once 30+ years ago) she has come into my life and just gone full speed making me feel like nobody has ever made me feel. Both times it ended almost overnight as she went into the avoidance stage. A fearful avoidant will completely shut down. You won't get closure. You won't get an explanation. No amount of apologizing or asking for communication will work. The harder you try the more they will manufacture outrage towards you.

I've had plenty of relationships but she is the only one who has done that to me. I didn't know how to handle it. If you experience this, all you can do is just walk away and stay silent.

I have dated what I think was a dismissive avoidant. I ended that relationship when it became long distance. Those people are far less damaging because they are somewhat honest about it. Fearful avoidants leave complete wreckage in their wake because of their initial intensity.

In some ways this has all been a positive. I learned that the person I thought was the one who got away is a deeply flawed human.

Anyone else experience a fearful avoidant? Would love to hear your stories.

My unsolicited advice... which you did not ask for and are free to ignore... Take a break from relationships.

I don't recall the exact reasons you said you wanted to end the original relationship, but it's hard to imagine that whatever issues you were having before have gone away simply because a second relationship didn't work out. It comes across as you being afraid to be alone because of self-destructive habits you fall into when you don't have somebody there with you.

As somebody with a bad history of jumping from one serious relationship right into the next, it's hard to make a relationship work until you are comfortable with just yourself.

 

[ChapelHillSooner]

My unsolicited advice... which you did not ask for and are free to ignore... Take a break from relationships.

I don't recall the exact reasons you said you wanted to end the original relationship, but it's hard to imagine that whatever issues you were having before have gone away simply because a second relationship didn't work out. It comes across as you being afraid to be alone because of self-destructive habits you fall into when you don't have somebody there with you.

As somebody with a bad history of jumping from one serious relationship right into the next, it's hard to make a relationship work until you are comfortable with just yourself.

You are correct that I don't do well alone. I know that and am trying to work on it. It would be a lot easier if I had family nearby or some good close friends. I've been working from home post-COVID and it is really isolating. I'm working on all of that.

As for the original relationship, my only problem was that she got defensive too often. I used that as an excuse to move to the other relationship. I went into the second relationship because I thought for 34 years she was the one who got away. When the choice was presented to me, my thought was I don't want to be on my death bed regretting not giving the two of us another shot. So, in a sense, I did and I learned a lot.

 

[gregh1]

My unsolicited advice... which you did not ask for and are free to ignore... Take a break from relationships.

I don't recall the exact reasons you said you wanted to end the original relationship, but it's hard to imagine that whatever issues you were having before have gone away simply because a second relationship didn't work out. It comes across as you being afraid to be alone because of self-destructive habits you fall into when you don't have somebody there with you.

As somebody with a bad history of jumping from one serious relationship right into the next, it's hard to make a relationship work until you are comfortable with just yourself.

OP, I second the above. During the initial break-up and move to M I wanted say something about "rebound" relationships. It might be a good time to take a look at your own attachment style or do any other self-work before a re-commit to your original partner. It sounds like you've learned a lot about yourself during this chapter, but it could helpful to sit down with a relationship therapist for a session or two to unwind it all.

ETA - you could do this in private, or admit to your orig that you're doing this.

 

[NYCBlueBlood]

You are correct that I don't do well alone. I know that and am trying to work on it. It would be a lot easier if I had family nearby or some good close friends. I've been working from home post-COVID and it is really isolating. I'm working on all of that.

As for the original relationship, my only problem was that she got defensive too often. I used that as an excuse to move to the other relationship. I went into the second relationship because I thought for 34 years she was the one who got away. When the choice was presented to me, my thought was I don't want to be on my death bed regretting not giving the two of us another shot. So, in a sense, I did and I learned a lot.

I hear you on working from home. I've been doing it since pre-covid. It's isolating. I'd like ot change it...

I have a couple "the one who got away" from my past... one from high school, one from college. While I can understand the prospect of a second chance being intriguing, there is no way you just drop what you have and run off to give it a shot unless there was some significant disfunction that was not working for you. In my experience getting overly defensive is generally a symptom of something else, not the originating cause.

It feels like your rebound did not work, and so you're rebounding off your rebound out of fear of being alone.

Sorry if too direct...

 

[NYCBlueBlood]

OP, I second the above. During the initial break-up and move to M I wanted say something about "rebound" relationships. It might be a good time to take a look at your own attachment style or do any other self-work before a re-commit to your original partner. It sounds like you've learned a lot about yourself during this chapter, but it could helpful to sit down with a relationship therapist for a session or two to unwind it all.

ETA - you could do this in private, or admit to your orig that you're doing this.

Therapy is a good thing. I've been speaking with the same therapist since my first divorce... I'm a slow learner.

I've learned a lot about what I used to do that caused me to make the same relationship mistakes over and over again...

 

[SnoopRob]

I’ve been in a relationship with a fearful avoidant. My experience of love-bombing and then running is very similar to yours.

I don’t know that I have any advice except that I’m not sure there’s any way to make a relationship with a fearful avoidant work outside of a willingness to cycle through the hot/cold cycles and just put up with it. Which, in my case, sounded like a horrible idea.

 

[hedge]

I’ve been a joyful avoidant a time or two…

 

[NYCBlueBlood]

I’ve been in a relationship with a fearful avoidant. My experience of love-bombing and then running is very similar to yours.

I don’t know that I have any advice except that I’m not sure there’s any way to make a relationship with a fearful avoidant work outside of a willingness to cycle through the hot/cold cycles and just put up with it. Which, in my case, sounded like a horrible idea.

Man, some people get all the luck. I always get the ones who are secretly trying to move into my place without discussing it...