superrific
Legend of ZZL
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I often keep my eye out, in daily life, for small, almost unnoticeable cultural habits that might have an insidious but almost invisible effect on the national mood. I can't quantify the impact, or even prove that it exists. But I like to make people aware of them (I guess technically I'm raising awareness for my interpretations), to let people ponder. Maybe there's something there, and maybe not.
Today: the emergence of "you're not wrong" as a way of saying, "you're right." I didn't hear or see people saying "not wrong" fifteen years ago. I think it's a relatively new development. And I think it's not a very good one. Let's consider:
1. First, just imagine if school teachers talked that way. Or coaches. Or anyone training you. "Teacher, I finally solved this equation and got x = 4" shouldn't be met with "that's not wrong." It's right. We know that. And I don't think the average 12 year old wants to hear "not wrong" instead of "right." So let's keep that in the back of our minds when considering:
2. The focus on negativity. Let's assume that adults are more resilient to negative vibes than kids. Even so, "not wrong" is bad communication. It suggests that things are, by default, wrong. Saying "not wrong" once or ten times won't do anything, but if you start saying it all the time, if you're on your hundredth "not wrong," it might affect the way you think. It might subtly structure your thinking. You might start to assume, without thinking about it, that your interlocutor is just foolish or mistaken by default.
This is true even if the purpose of "not wrong" is simply to be cool, or to follow a fad, or to color language to make it more interesting to us. Maybe it's just slang. I don't think that changes much. Even if we argue that people using it for those reasons aren't likely to change their worldview, we can't say that about the listeners.
3. Saying "you're not wrong" is about the least assuring positive response a person can give. Imagine prepping for a fight of some sort -- a bar fight or an infantry battle -- and hearing the people around you saying, "I won't run in panic." Fuck that. You want to say, "I'm with you." "I've got your back." That's how you build trust.
If someone says something, and I say, "that's right," I'm implicitly building a bridge. I'm saying, "we're on the same side here." If you hear me say that, you would interpret it as a form of trust. "He thinks I'm right here, and he might also think I'm right about a few other things too. We can be friends."
By contrast, saying "you're not wrong" subtly undermines that trust. It's saying, "we're on the same side here for now, but I'm reserving the right to disagree with you even on this issue. You aren't wrong now but you might be tomorrow." It's also communicating, "I can barely give you credit for your stance here that I like; don't count on me agreeing with anything else." This is not a rhetoric of trust. It's a rhetoric of mistrust. And maybe you think things that subtle make no difference. I do not think that. I think these small things are big, disproportionate shapers of our worldviews, our current outlooks, our attitudes of happiness or frustration.
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Thoughts? Other examples of similar things? I've talked before about people who say, "I lied" or "you lied" in lieu of "I/you was/were mistaken." I would put that into the same bucket, maybe. It's a rhetoric of mistrust.
Today: the emergence of "you're not wrong" as a way of saying, "you're right." I didn't hear or see people saying "not wrong" fifteen years ago. I think it's a relatively new development. And I think it's not a very good one. Let's consider:
1. First, just imagine if school teachers talked that way. Or coaches. Or anyone training you. "Teacher, I finally solved this equation and got x = 4" shouldn't be met with "that's not wrong." It's right. We know that. And I don't think the average 12 year old wants to hear "not wrong" instead of "right." So let's keep that in the back of our minds when considering:
2. The focus on negativity. Let's assume that adults are more resilient to negative vibes than kids. Even so, "not wrong" is bad communication. It suggests that things are, by default, wrong. Saying "not wrong" once or ten times won't do anything, but if you start saying it all the time, if you're on your hundredth "not wrong," it might affect the way you think. It might subtly structure your thinking. You might start to assume, without thinking about it, that your interlocutor is just foolish or mistaken by default.
This is true even if the purpose of "not wrong" is simply to be cool, or to follow a fad, or to color language to make it more interesting to us. Maybe it's just slang. I don't think that changes much. Even if we argue that people using it for those reasons aren't likely to change their worldview, we can't say that about the listeners.
3. Saying "you're not wrong" is about the least assuring positive response a person can give. Imagine prepping for a fight of some sort -- a bar fight or an infantry battle -- and hearing the people around you saying, "I won't run in panic." Fuck that. You want to say, "I'm with you." "I've got your back." That's how you build trust.
If someone says something, and I say, "that's right," I'm implicitly building a bridge. I'm saying, "we're on the same side here." If you hear me say that, you would interpret it as a form of trust. "He thinks I'm right here, and he might also think I'm right about a few other things too. We can be friends."
By contrast, saying "you're not wrong" subtly undermines that trust. It's saying, "we're on the same side here for now, but I'm reserving the right to disagree with you even on this issue. You aren't wrong now but you might be tomorrow." It's also communicating, "I can barely give you credit for your stance here that I like; don't count on me agreeing with anything else." This is not a rhetoric of trust. It's a rhetoric of mistrust. And maybe you think things that subtle make no difference. I do not think that. I think these small things are big, disproportionate shapers of our worldviews, our current outlooks, our attitudes of happiness or frustration.
****
Thoughts? Other examples of similar things? I've talked before about people who say, "I lied" or "you lied" in lieu of "I/you was/were mistaken." I would put that into the same bucket, maybe. It's a rhetoric of mistrust.
