The Onion buys Info Wars

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theonion.com

Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘InfoWars’

Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of...
theonion.com theonion.com

Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic “panic” and growing steadily ever since, InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can’t even put a man on the Moon.

Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.

No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.
 
I love this so much. They should offer Jones some sort of position. Not that he’d take it, but it would be pretty funny.
 
On the Harry Anderson version of "Night Court," there was, what today, would be branded a homophobic joke. It went something along the lines of a comment the bailiff made to the court clerk about an effeminate acting defendant in the court. The court clerk said something like, "I don't think it would take much time in prison to switch him." And the bailiff, played by Marsha Warfield, replied, "Yeah, like a parking ticket." Similarly, the route for "InfoWars" to morph into a satirical show is pretty short, like maybe driving into a parking spot, seeing the space ahead is empty and just pulling forward into it.
 
UNCatTech said:
I just want to see Alex Jones join Rudy Giuliani as a poor broke bankrupt piece of shit. They both have the piece of shit covered, let's finish them.
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He’s just going to start another company — likely using middlemen and straw companies to hide his ownership. And he’ll likely have just a small salary (of which the creditors will only get 25%) and he will find a way to offshore a lot of the income from the new business.

When you have a brand tied to you personally, it is very hard to ever go truly bankrupt. Of course, Gulliani may be testing that theory.
 
Love the onion buying Infowars but what does this mean for Jones? The Infowars brand isn't really all that valuable in my opinion. Alex Jones, the commentator, is extremely valuable.

Can he start something else? If he does start something else does the money go to Sandy Hook victims? I'd love to see that guy too broke to afford a van to live down by the river but he certainly has a talent to make money based on his character. Does his current legal situation allow that?
 
gtyellowjacket said:
Love the onion buying Infowars but what does this mean for Jones? The Infowars brand isn't really all that valuable in my opinion. Alex Jones, the commentator, is extremely valuable.

Can he start something else? If he does start something else does the money go to Sandy Hook victims? I'd love to see that guy too broke to afford a van to live down by the river but he certainly has a talent to make money based on his character. Does his current legal situation allow that?
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What is this legal stuff you're talking? He's very useful right now.

No doubt that between pardons and cover ups we're going to see crime rates drop.
 
gtyellowjacket said:
Love the onion buying Infowars but what does this mean for Jones? The Infowars brand isn't really all that valuable in my opinion. Alex Jones, the commentator, is extremely valuable.

Can he start something else? If he does start something else does the money go to Sandy Hook victims? I'd love to see that guy too broke to afford a van to live down by the river but he certainly has a talent to make money based on his character. Does his current legal situation allow that?
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Of course he can start something up. There is the first amendment. He can make money off his craziness forever.
 
Calheel said:
Of course he can start something up. There is the first amendment. He can make money off his craziness forever.
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So I guess the question is if he does start something new up, does he still owe money? Would he be working for free forever until he's all paid up?

I think I remember the judgments were over a billion. Not sure how much this asset sale takes out of that chunk but I'm guessing it's not all of it.
 
Calheel said:
He’s just going to start another company — likely using middlemen and straw companies to hide his ownership. And he’ll likely have just a small salary (of which the creditors will only get 25%) and he will find a way to offshore a lot of the income from the new business.

When you have a brand tied to you personally, it is very hard to ever go truly bankrupt. Of course, Gulliani may be testing that theory.
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I know, it sucks.

I recall a builder going bankrupt owning my dad over $100k. The guy opened a new business and just kept one working, but he screwed all of the sub contractors.
 
gtyellowjacket said:
So I guess the question is if he does start something new up, does he still owe money? Would he be working for free forever until he's all paid up?

I think I remember the judgments were over a billion. Not sure how much this asset sale takes out of that chunk but I'm guessing it's not all of it.
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Of course he still owes money. But creditors can only garnish 25% of your disposable earnings. And he will make sure any new venture is owned by someone else - at least on paper. He will take a small salary and he will work secret deals to get money in Swiss bank accounts.
 
Calheel said:
Of course he still owes money. But creditors can only garnish 25% of your disposable earnings. And he will make sure any new venture is owned by someone else - at least on paper. He will take a small salary and he will work secret deals to get money in Swiss bank accounts.
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Maybe not Swiss bank accounts, not anymore. But I’m sure some other “offshore” account might work for him. Switzerland has strict anti-money laundering laws and tax agreements that make it harder to use Swiss banks for that stuff these days. Swiss banks are more likely to cooperate with law enforcement on money laundering and foreign tax issues.
 
Centerpiece said:
Maybe not Swiss bank accounts, not anymore. But I’m sure some other “offshore” account might work for him. Switzerland has strict anti-money laundering laws and tax agreements that make it harder to use Swiss banks for that stuff these days. Swiss banks are more likely to cooperate with law enforcement on money laundering and foreign tax issues.
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Cayman Islands?

He will find some shell figure on the right. I’m sure the lawyers will try to crack the code, but unless he is sloppy, he will likely get away with it. Civil law can only do so much to shut him up.
 
Calheel said:
Cayman Islands?

He will find some shell figure on the right. I’m sure the lawyers will try to crack the code, but unless he is sloppy, he will likely get away with it. Civil law can only do so much to shut him up.
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I had a student a few years back with a strong interest in anti-money laundering laws. Basically, he wanted to make a career out of being a legal money launderer, LOL. He did an independent study. I couldn't say no, because there was not exactly an improper purpose. He just wanted to understand how to stash money.

His final project was easily the most comprehensive student project I've seen in teaching. Suffice it to say, he was REALLY interested. I was considerably less interested, and when I figured out he was a white supremacist with a fucking crazy father and some craziness himself, I wanted to disentangle myself as quickly as possible. I gave him an A, because his project deserved it.

Point is: I don't remember all the details, but I do remember that there are a few jurisdictions out there (or were at the time) that didn't really cooperate with the U.S. One was Nauru. Also Isle of Man. And Nevis, I think. Basically the best places to go are the quasi-sovereign jurisdictions under the control of the UK.
 
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