Just at my wits end

ChapelHillSooner

ChapelHillSooner

Distinguished Member
Messages
363
I may be a little over emotional because of the election but I'm just at the end of my rope with my son.

Let me explain yesterday to give you an idea of what a normal day looks like. The day started with him peeing in the bed. He's potty trained but if you don't tell him to go to the bathroom he'll often just pee. I stripped everything from the bed and washed it. I ended up putting everything on his bed but not making it. While dropping him off at school, I spent five minutes trying to get a 6'2" 220 lbs kid out of the car. It's not that he didn't want to go to school. It is just he didn't feel it necessary to get out of the car at that moment.

At night he took the mattress protector along with all of the towels that were out and soaked them in his bathroom sink. So now I don't have a mattress protector for his bed. He also got every bit of soap out of underneath he sink and spread it all over the bathroom.

Keep in mind my son is 15. So I lose it and yell and him that he can't make a mess like that. His response is to giggle and repeat the word "mess". If I don't lose it, he doesn't understand that I am mad. In either case, he doesn't ever understand why I am mad.

He also flooded the kitchen floor (hardwood) as he does almost daily. The day before he had diarrhea in his pants which he spread to the couch. Every hour I have to sweep up huge piles of food.

Imagine having a 15 year old who is essentially a one year old. I know Autism is a wide spectrum but people who have higher functioning kids really have no clue what my life is like. My wife and I are separated so we get a break 50% of the time but no help that other 50%.

The one thing that gets me through days is the knowledge that I have a pretty good life insurance. Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal but that being an out is comforting. (I've had the policy a lot longer than what is required to pay out for that.). Either way, I am 53 and the stress will probably kill me within 10 years. I have come to accept that. (My sister died at 58 and while her drinking may have be a major contributor to her stroke, family history isn't on my side.)

Anyway, politics is a welcome distraction but not so much nowadays. Thanks for listening. This is sort of my community.
 
Man, I truly, truly cannot even begin to imagine what you, and your son, and your family endure, so I won’t even try to find any words other than to say, we love you and are grateful that you are here in this community. I don’t even begin to know if or how I or anyone else here could be helpful to you and your family in any way but I think I speak for a lot of people when I say if there’s anything at all that I or any of us could ever do for you, please don’t hesitate to ask.
 
Wow that's brutal. Feel free to vent away. My son is 11 and drives me insane. There's an issue every day... Not doing his work, whining, not acting like anything matters. He's got mild ADHD and anxiety but neither of those fit the "you're an ass" diagnosis I have
 
I have no words of wisdom and can't relate beyond you sharing your story. I hope you can find the strength you need. Parental drive and love is a powerful thing. I'm guessing you have explored support groups, g'ment assistance, etc. Politics seems trivial compared to what you are dealing with. I'm glad it provides some level of distraction for you.
 
I have a son on the autism spectrum - he's 20 now and he's pretty high functioning but he can't drive and I doubt he will ever live on his own - right now he's taking classes at the local community college but at some point I'm hoping he can have a job - for the most part it's not a bad situation but I admit I have no idea what will happen once my wife and I are gone and that terrifies me
 
CFordUNC said:
Man, I truly, truly cannot even begin to imagine what you, and your son, and your family endure, so I won’t even try to find any words other than to say, we love you and are grateful that you are here in this community. I don’t even begin to know if or how I or anyone else here could be helpful to you and your family in any way but I think I speak for a lot of people when I say if there’s anything at all that I or any of us could ever do for you, please don’t hesitate to ask.
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@ChapelHillSooner - plus one to this response by cFord from me. Will be sending much positive energy your way.
 
Do you have a support group or therapist that you meet with regularly? I had a friend recently quite drinking and started seeing a therapist every 2 weeks. He said the therapist is the best thing he's ever done for himself and he is not someone I would've ever thought would choose to go see a therapist.

He has 7 kids (4 adopted with special needs).

Frankly, I should go see a therapist as well and just have been man enough to do it...


Hang in there and make sure to take care of yourself.
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
I may be a little over emotional because of the election but I'm just at the end of my rope with my son.

Let me explain yesterday to give you an idea of what a normal day looks like. The day started with him peeing in the bed. He's potty trained but if you don't tell him to go to the bathroom he'll often just pee. I stripped everything from the bed and washed it. I ended up putting everything on his bed but not making it. While dropping him off at school, I spent five minutes trying to get a 6'2" 220 lbs kid out of the car. It's not that he didn't want to go to school. It is just he didn't feel it necessary to get out of the car at that moment.

At night he took the mattress protector along with all of the towels that were out and soaked them in his bathroom sink. So now I don't have a mattress protector for his bed. He also got every bit of soap out of underneath he sink and spread it all over the bathroom.

Keep in mind my son is 15. So I lose it and yell and him that he can't make a mess like that. His response is to giggle and repeat the word "mess". If I don't lose it, he doesn't understand that I am mad. In either case, he doesn't ever understand why I am mad.

He also flooded the kitchen floor (hardwood) as he does almost daily. The day before he had diarrhea in his pants which he spread to the couch. Every hour I have to sweep up huge piles of food.

Imagine having a 15 year old who is essentially a one year old. I know Autism is a wide spectrum but people who have higher functioning kids really have no clue what my life is like. My wife and I are separated so we get a break 50% of the time but no help that other 50%.

The one thing that gets me through days is the knowledge that I have a pretty good life insurance. Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal but that being an out is comforting. (I've had the policy a lot longer than what is required to pay out for that.). Either way, I am 53 and the stress will probably kill me within 10 years. I have come to accept that. (My sister died at 58 and while her drinking may have be a major contributor to her stroke, family history isn't on my side.)

Anyway, politics is a welcome distraction but not so much nowadays. Thanks for listening. This is sort of my community.
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Please stay in our community for emotional support.

You are right when you say people who have higher functioning kids have no clue what your life is like.

It is perfectly normal that you are angry and may resent the fact that you have a "special needs" child. The challenge for you is to accept the reality that your child did not choose to be a special needs child and to do your best not to resent or reject him for who he is.

You are not alone. There are so many parents in similar situations. I recommend and hope you find support groups who understand the unfair challenges you face. You deserve support and comfort.
 
I have an autistic child who does many of those same things (pees the bed, floods the kitchen, spreads soap all over the bathroom -- did it this morning in fact) but he's also seven with lower support needs and I expect him to grow out of most of these behaviors. I can 100% understand how you would have serious moments of despair about your son. And people who have "neurotypical" kids just cannot understand what this is like on a daily basis. It can feel very lonely and isolating. Simple things like taking your children to the grocery store or out to dinner are filled with landmines and struggle. Weekends are long. And it's much harder if you have to single parent, though it sounds like you do get a break every other week. Another tough thing with autism is that there are support groups for parents, but every child is slightly different and sometimes you can even feel alone in those communities. I'd definitely look into finding a therapist who works with parents of special needs children, they do exist. (I probably could use one myself.) I'm sorry that you're struggling and I hear you. Some days are better than others. I'm sorry that today is not one of them... sending all of my support your way.
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
I may be a little over emotional because of the election but I'm just at the end of my rope with my son.

Let me explain yesterday to give you an idea of what a normal day looks like. The day started with him peeing in the bed. He's potty trained but if you don't tell him to go to the bathroom he'll often just pee. I stripped everything from the bed and washed it. I ended up putting everything on his bed but not making it. While dropping him off at school, I spent five minutes trying to get a 6'2" 220 lbs kid out of the car. It's not that he didn't want to go to school. It is just he didn't feel it necessary to get out of the car at that moment.

At night he took the mattress protector along with all of the towels that were out and soaked them in his bathroom sink. So now I don't have a mattress protector for his bed. He also got every bit of soap out of underneath he sink and spread it all over the bathroom.

Keep in mind my son is 15. So I lose it and yell and him that he can't make a mess like that. His response is to giggle and repeat the word "mess". If I don't lose it, he doesn't understand that I am mad. In either case, he doesn't ever understand why I am mad.

He also flooded the kitchen floor (hardwood) as he does almost daily. The day before he had diarrhea in his pants which he spread to the couch. Every hour I have to sweep up huge piles of food.

Imagine having a 15 year old who is essentially a one year old. I know Autism is a wide spectrum but people who have higher functioning kids really have no clue what my life is like. My wife and I are separated so we get a break 50% of the time but no help that other 50%.

The one thing that gets me through days is the knowledge that I have a pretty good life insurance. Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal but that being an out is comforting. (I've had the policy a lot longer than what is required to pay out for that.). Either way, I am 53 and the stress will probably kill me within 10 years. I have come to accept that. (My sister died at 58 and while her drinking may have be a major contributor to her stroke, family history isn't on my side.)

Anyway, politics is a welcome distraction but not so much nowadays. Thanks for listening. This is sort of my community.
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Feel for you. My cousin didn't have autism, but she had some sort of traumatic brain injury as an infant and never really developed beyond age 2. No language, limited understanding of anything. I think she was toilet trained, but I'm not sure. It took a lot out of my aunt and uncle and her brother. She died last year, in the facility where she lived (she had become a ward of the state years and years ago). About the same age as me. It's all very upsetting.

This is the downside of love.
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
I may be a little over emotional because of the election but I'm just at the end of my rope with my son.

Let me explain yesterday to give you an idea of what a normal day looks like. The day started with him peeing in the bed. He's potty trained but if you don't tell him to go to the bathroom he'll often just pee. I stripped everything from the bed and washed it. I ended up putting everything on his bed but not making it. While dropping him off at school, I spent five minutes trying to get a 6'2" 220 lbs kid out of the car. It's not that he didn't want to go to school. It is just he didn't feel it necessary to get out of the car at that moment.

At night he took the mattress protector along with all of the towels that were out and soaked them in his bathroom sink. So now I don't have a mattress protector for his bed. He also got every bit of soap out of underneath he sink and spread it all over the bathroom.

Keep in mind my son is 15. So I lose it and yell and him that he can't make a mess like that. His response is to giggle and repeat the word "mess". If I don't lose it, he doesn't understand that I am mad. In either case, he doesn't ever understand why I am mad.

He also flooded the kitchen floor (hardwood) as he does almost daily. The day before he had diarrhea in his pants which he spread to the couch. Every hour I have to sweep up huge piles of food.

Imagine having a 15 year old who is essentially a one year old. I know Autism is a wide spectrum but people who have higher functioning kids really have no clue what my life is like. My wife and I are separated so we get a break 50% of the time but no help that other 50%.

The one thing that gets me through days is the knowledge that I have a pretty good life insurance. Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal but that being an out is comforting. (I've had the policy a lot longer than what is required to pay out for that.). Either way, I am 53 and the stress will probably kill me within 10 years. I have come to accept that. (My sister died at 58 and while her drinking may have be a major contributor to her stroke, family history isn't on my side.)

Anyway, politics is a welcome distraction but not so much nowadays. Thanks for listening. This is sort of my community.
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Man, I empathize.

My sister in law was completely dependent and I witnessed how much work that was. I know how much of a struggle it can be.

I don't have any answers. I wish I did.
 
GoHeelsweeeehoooo said:
I have a son on the autism spectrum - he's 20 now and he's pretty high functioning but he can't drive and I doubt he will ever live on his own - right now he's taking classes at the local community college but at some point I'm hoping he can have a job - for the most part it's not a bad situation but I admit I have no idea what will happen once my wife and I are gone and that terrifies me
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This sounds like my youngest daughter.

She's such a wonderful person but we have the same concerns about her after we are gone. She does have her sisters, so she will never be alone. This is a big factor keeping me from retiring. I want to have as much money as possible to leave to the kids.
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
I may be a little over emotional because of the election but I'm just at the end of my rope with my son.

Let me explain yesterday to give you an idea of what a normal day looks like. The day started with him peeing in the bed. He's potty trained but if you don't tell him to go to the bathroom he'll often just pee. I stripped everything from the bed and washed it. I ended up putting everything on his bed but not making it. While dropping him off at school, I spent five minutes trying to get a 6'2" 220 lbs kid out of the car. It's not that he didn't want to go to school. It is just he didn't feel it necessary to get out of the car at that moment.

At night he took the mattress protector along with all of the towels that were out and soaked them in his bathroom sink. So now I don't have a mattress protector for his bed. He also got every bit of soap out of underneath he sink and spread it all over the bathroom.

Keep in mind my son is 15. So I lose it and yell and him that he can't make a mess like that. His response is to giggle and repeat the word "mess". If I don't lose it, he doesn't understand that I am mad. In either case, he doesn't ever understand why I am mad.

He also flooded the kitchen floor (hardwood) as he does almost daily. The day before he had diarrhea in his pants which he spread to the couch. Every hour I have to sweep up huge piles of food.

Imagine having a 15 year old who is essentially a one year old. I know Autism is a wide spectrum but people who have higher functioning kids really have no clue what my life is like. My wife and I are separated so we get a break 50% of the time but no help that other 50%.

The one thing that gets me through days is the knowledge that I have a pretty good life insurance. Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal but that being an out is comforting. (I've had the policy a lot longer than what is required to pay out for that.). Either way, I am 53 and the stress will probably kill me within 10 years. I have come to accept that. (My sister died at 58 and while her drinking may have be a major contributor to her stroke, family history isn't on my side.)

Anyway, politics is a welcome distraction but not so much nowadays. Thanks for listening. This is sort of my community.
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My heart goes out to you . I have a 75 yr old friend in your position more or less . I truly hope both of you can figure out a way to find/accept a Care Facility before its too late -all I mean is I assume your son will outlive you..I know my comments are not particularly kind or comfortable and I have No Clue......But try when I can to talk to my buddy about this
 
GoHeelsweeeehoooo said:
I have a son on the autism spectrum - he's 20 now and he's pretty high functioning but he can't drive and I doubt he will ever live on his own - right now he's taking classes at the local community college but at some point I'm hoping he can have a job - for the most part it's not a bad situation but I admit I have no idea what will happen once my wife and I are gone and that terrifies me
Click to expand...
Similar situation here. My 16 year old is diagnosed ADHD and while not diagnosed on the spectrum, I'm pretty sure he is on the high functioning end. I can't imagine what Sooner's situation is like. The frustration with my kid is he's smart (he recently scored a 1280 on the SAT), but his grades are crap because it's so difficult for him to sit down and get his work done. He got two F's in the first quarter, but his grades on work he turned in was mostly A's - he just got behind and didn't turn in a bunch of stuff. He's better at math than I am. We've got him an executive functioning coach and a tutor, we're lucky to have resources to help him and it seems to be working, but seeing what he's capable of and just not getting it done is really frustrating. My wife and I aren't sure we can send him to college even though he wants to go, because we don't think he can get the work done on his own. My other son is neurotypical and is a breeze compared to my older child.
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
I may be a little over emotional because of the election but I'm just at the end of my rope with my son.

Let me explain yesterday to give you an idea of what a normal day looks like. The day started with him peeing in the bed. He's potty trained but if you don't tell him to go to the bathroom he'll often just pee. I stripped everything from the bed and washed it. I ended up putting everything on his bed but not making it. While dropping him off at school, I spent five minutes trying to get a 6'2" 220 lbs kid out of the car. It's not that he didn't want to go to school. It is just he didn't feel it necessary to get out of the car at that moment.

At night he took the mattress protector along with all of the towels that were out and soaked them in his bathroom sink. So now I don't have a mattress protector for his bed. He also got every bit of soap out of underneath he sink and spread it all over the bathroom.

Keep in mind my son is 15. So I lose it and yell and him that he can't make a mess like that. His response is to giggle and repeat the word "mess". If I don't lose it, he doesn't understand that I am mad. In either case, he doesn't ever understand why I am mad.

He also flooded the kitchen floor (hardwood) as he does almost daily. The day before he had diarrhea in his pants which he spread to the couch. Every hour I have to sweep up huge piles of food.

Imagine having a 15 year old who is essentially a one year old. I know Autism is a wide spectrum but people who have higher functioning kids really have no clue what my life is like. My wife and I are separated so we get a break 50% of the time but no help that other 50%.

The one thing that gets me through days is the knowledge that I have a pretty good life insurance. Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal but that being an out is comforting. (I've had the policy a lot longer than what is required to pay out for that.). Either way, I am 53 and the stress will probably kill me within 10 years. I have come to accept that. (My sister died at 58 and while her drinking may have be a major contributor to her stroke, family history isn't on my side.)

Anyway, politics is a welcome distraction but not so much nowadays. Thanks for listening. This is sort of my community.
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This hurts my heart to read, man. My wife and I are in a similar situation with our special needs son, although he is a few years younger and slightly higher functioning I believe. I'd like to share my story in solidarity at some point but have neither the time nor mental fortitude at the moment. I certainly have times when I ask "why me?" and "why did this happen to my son?". I just want you to know you're not alone in facing these challenges.
 
Enigma94 said:
Similar situation here. My 16 year old is diagnosed ADHD and while not diagnosed on the spectrum, I'm pretty sure he is on the high functioning end. I can't imagine what Sooner's situation is like. The frustration with my kid is he's smart (he recently scored a 1280 on the SAT), but his grades are crap because it's so difficult for him to sit down and get his work done. He got two F's in the first quarter, but his grades on work he turned in was mostly A's - he just got behind and didn't turn in a bunch of stuff. He's better at math than I am. We've got him an executive functioning coach and a tutor, we're lucky to have resources to help him and it seems to be working, but seeing what he's capable of and just not getting it done is really frustrating. My wife and I aren't sure we can send him to college even though he wants to go, because we don't think he can get the work done on his own. My other son is neurotypical and is a breeze compared to my older child.
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That's my wife's eldest son. He's in a vocational program at his high school and he will be graduating with an associate's degree in auto repair along with the HS diploma. Yet to be determined whether he will be able to hold a job, but he can't do school because he just can't get the work done. Same thing -- As on turned-in assignments, Fs on the others. And he's really smart. He can fix just about anything. He bought an old non-working PS for $10, opened it up, resoldered a component and replaced a resistor, and now he has a PS.

One of my autistic sons seems to be on a similar path, but he has a future as a voice actor I think. He's 10 and he can do voices unbelievably well. He can do Bane. I showed him a clip from the Dark Knight Rises, and then he watched it a few times and within a day, he was reciting whole scenes with a damn good imitation of the voice -- which is a very hard voice to do. He's so eerily good at impressions and voices in general. Autistic people can be amazing that way sometimes. The higher functioning ones.
 
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