Just at my wits end

[ChapelHillSooner]

Do you have a support group or therapist that you meet with regularly?

I do not. I saw a psychiatrist for a while about 7-8 years ago but it just seemed like a chore and didn't help. I only went because my wife forced me to or she was going to have me sent to a facility because she found me with a zip tie really tight around my neck.

I did a parenting class for parents of children on the spectrum right about that time. It was a little study done by UNC. The parenting part just didn't work for my child because he simply doesn't get actions/consequences which means none of the feedback things work. I was the only male in the group. It was a defacto support group for me.

Unfortunately, the only person I kept in touch with from that class became a closer friend to my wife than me. She has twins who are close to my son's age and the boy is only slightly higher functioning than my son. I haven't seen her in a few years even though she lives really close. We do talk on the phone some. I really miss her.

And it's much harder if you have to single parent, though it sounds like you do get a break every other week. Another tough thing with autism is that there are support groups for parents, but every child is slightly different and sometimes you can even feel alone in those communities. I'd definitely look into finding a therapist who works with parents of special needs children, they do exist.

We do a 3-2-2 thing so the most we have him is 3 days in a row. He stays at the house and we switch back and forth between the house and an apartment. Going back and forth so often sucks but it is the best solution.

I get it with the support groups. I went to one dad's group but just didn't feel a connection. I honestly liked the group with all women. I felt more comfortable sharing with them even though it wasn't really a support group. But you are so right about how it can be lonely even in those groups because the experiences differ so much.

I really should look into the therapist for parents of special needs kids.

 

[superrific]

I do not. I saw a psychiatrist for a while about 7-8 years ago but it just seemed like a chore and didn't help. I only went because my wife forced me to or she was going to have me sent to a facility because she found me with a zip tie really tight around my neck.

I did a parenting class for parents of children on the spectrum right about that time. It was a little study done by UNC. The parenting part just didn't work for my child because he simply doesn't get actions/consequences which means none of the feedback things work. I was the only male in the group. It was a defacto support group for me.

Unfortunately, the only person I kept in touch with from that class became a closer friend to my wife than me. She has twins who are close to my son's age and the boy is only slightly higher functioning than my son. I haven't seen her in a few years even though she lives really close. We do talk on the phone some. I really miss her.



We do a 3-2-2 thing so the most we have him is 3 days in a row. He stays at the house and we switch back and forth between the house and an apartment. Going back and forth so often sucks but it is the best solution.

I get it with the support groups. I went to one dad's group but just didn't feel a connection. I honestly liked the group with all women. I felt more comfortable sharing with them even though it wasn't really a support group. But you are so right about how it can be lonely even in those groups because the experiences differ so much.

I really should look into the therapist for parents of special needs kids.

I will ask my wife what she thinks would be the best course of action for you. She has like 30-40 kids like your son in her practice. Well, maybe 10-15 that are as low-functioning.

 

[HandsonFire]

I may be a little over emotional because of the election but I'm just at the end of my rope with my son.

Let me explain yesterday to give you an idea of what a normal day looks like. The day started with him peeing in the bed. He's potty trained but if you don't tell him to go to the bathroom he'll often just pee. I stripped everything from the bed and washed it. I ended up putting everything on his bed but not making it. While dropping him off at school, I spent five minutes trying to get a 6'2" 220 lbs kid out of the car. It's not that he didn't want to go to school. It is just he didn't feel it necessary to get out of the car at that moment.

At night he took the mattress protector along with all of the towels that were out and soaked them in his bathroom sink. So now I don't have a mattress protector for his bed. He also got every bit of soap out of underneath he sink and spread it all over the bathroom.

Keep in mind my son is 15. So I lose it and yell and him that he can't make a mess like that. His response is to giggle and repeat the word "mess". If I don't lose it, he doesn't understand that I am mad. In either case, he doesn't ever understand why I am mad.

He also flooded the kitchen floor (hardwood) as he does almost daily. The day before he had diarrhea in his pants which he spread to the couch. Every hour I have to sweep up huge piles of food.

Imagine having a 15 year old who is essentially a one year old. I know Autism is a wide spectrum but people who have higher functioning kids really have no clue what my life is like. My wife and I are separated so we get a break 50% of the time but no help that other 50%.

The one thing that gets me through days is the knowledge that I have a pretty good life insurance. Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal but that being an out is comforting. (I've had the policy a lot longer than what is required to pay out for that.). Either way, I am 53 and the stress will probably kill me within 10 years. I have come to accept that. (My sister died at 58 and while her drinking may have be a major contributor to her stroke, family history isn't on my side.)

Anyway, politics is a welcome distraction but not so much nowadays. Thanks for listening. This is sort of my community.

Sorry to hear that. Goes to show you never know the load those around you are toting. I would probably break under that load.

 

[xCainx]

Similar situation here. My 16 year old is diagnosed ADHD and while not diagnosed on the spectrum, I'm pretty sure he is on the high functioning end. I can't imagine what Sooner's situation is like. The frustration with my kid is he's smart (he recently scored a 1280 on the SAT), but his grades are crap because it's so difficult for him to sit down and get his work done. He got two F's in the first quarter, but his grades on work he turned in was mostly A's - he just got behind and didn't turn in a bunch of stuff. He's better at math than I am. We've got him an executive functioning coach and a tutor, we're lucky to have resources to help him and it seems to be working, but seeing what he's capable of and just not getting it done is really frustrating. My wife and I aren't sure we can send him to college even though he wants to go, because we don't think he can get the work done on his own. My other son is neurotypical and is a breeze compared to my older child.

Wait.

Is this in NC?

I do not. I saw a psychiatrist for a while about 7-8 years ago but it just seemed like a chore and didn't help. I only went because my wife forced me to or she was going to have me sent to a facility because she found me with a zip tie really tight around my neck.

I did a parenting class for parents of children on the spectrum right about that time. It was a little study done by UNC. The parenting part just didn't work for my child because he simply doesn't get actions/consequences which means none of the feedback things work. I was the only male in the group. It was a defacto support group for me.

Unfortunately, the only person I kept in touch with from that class became a closer friend to my wife than me. She has twins who are close to my son's age and the boy is only slightly higher functioning than my son. I haven't seen her in a few years even though she lives really close. We do talk on the phone some. I really miss her.



We do a 3-2-2 thing so the most we have him is 3 days in a row. He stays at the house and we switch back and forth between the house and an apartment. Going back and forth so often sucks but it is the best solution.

I get it with the support groups. I went to one dad's group but just didn't feel a connection. I honestly liked the group with all women. I felt more comfortable sharing with them even though it wasn't really a support group. But you are so right about how it can be lonely even in those groups because the experiences differ so much.

I really should look into the therapist for parents of special needs kids.

i sent you a message to your inbox.

I’m curious of the services you have currently for your son.

 

[NYCBlueBlood]

Just this past weekend I went to dinner with friends, and they were telling me of a neighbor going through something substantially similar. It seems his teenage son has uncontrollable violent outbursts on occasion, and recently hurt his ex-wife pretty bad during one.

The kid can not help it (severely autistic), but they decided it was no longer feasible for them to continue caring for him at home... I think they were also swapping every other week because of divorce.

They made the tough decision to put him in a residential program. Unfortunately, the closest they could find that worked for their son was in Pennsylvania (he lives in Queens/NYC). So now they alternate weekends driving out to spend time with him.

 

[ChapelHillSooner]

Just this past weekend I went to dinner with friends, and they were telling me of a neighbor going through something substantially similar. It seems his teenage son has uncontrollable violent outbursts on occasion, and recently hurt his ex-wife pretty bad during one.

The kid can not help it (severely autistic), but they decided it was no longer feasible for them to continue caring for him at home... I think they were also swapping every other week because of divorce.

They made the tough decision to put him in a residential program. Unfortunately, the closest they could find that worked for their son was in Pennsylvania (he lives in Queens/NYC). So now they alternate weekends driving out to spend time with him.

Reading this reminds me of what I have to be grateful for. My son is, for the most part, really passive and happy. He has hit me before - nothing truly violent - and has done the same at school on rare occasions. I do remember when he was 6-7 he shoved an elderly teacher's aid which did send her to the hospital and forced her to retire but that was less him and more that that person was far too old and frail to be in that classroom. (Pretty much what the school said.)

He does get frustrated and did repeatedly kick out the drywall near his bed. After fixing it multiple times I covered it up with plywood. He'll throw his iPad. We've gone through 5-6 of them. But all in all he is a passive happy kid. He just wants to be tickled all the time. ;-)

I was worried about puberty but that didn't cause him to get more aggressive. I need to count my blessings on that one.

People at his Autism camp just love him. They can't get enough of him which is amazing. Sometimes it's easy to lose focus on that in the stress of dealing with it day-to-day.

 

[UNCatTech]

I do not. I saw a psychiatrist for a while about 7-8 years ago but it just seemed like a chore and didn't help. I only went because my wife forced me to or she was going to have me sent to a facility because she found me with a zip tie really tight around my neck.

I did a parenting class for parents of children on the spectrum right about that time. It was a little study done by UNC. The parenting part just didn't work for my child because he simply doesn't get actions/consequences which means none of the feedback things work. I was the only male in the group. It was a defacto support group for me.

Unfortunately, the only person I kept in touch with from that class became a closer friend to my wife than me. She has twins who are close to my son's age and the boy is only slightly higher functioning than my son. I haven't seen her in a few years even though she lives really close. We do talk on the phone some. I really miss her.



We do a 3-2-2 thing so the most we have him is 3 days in a row. He stays at the house and we switch back and forth between the house and an apartment. Going back and forth so often sucks but it is the best solution.

I get it with the support groups. I went to one dad's group but just didn't feel a connection. I honestly liked the group with all women. I felt more comfortable sharing with them even though it wasn't really a support group. But you are so right about how it can be lonely even in those groups because the experiences differ so much.

I really should look into the therapist for parents of special needs kids.

My family's experience with therapist have been positive.

But, you have to find the right one. My daughter tried several, she finally found the right one and has been seeing that therapist for 13 years now.

Everyone in my family has been to a therapist at some point.

I hope you may give it a try again and find one that is right for you.

 

[CallMeTyler]

For lack of a better descriptor, it sounds like some of your days can feel like hell.

Sorry to hear you're going through so much. I hope the best for you and your family. Make sure you're taking some opportunities to recharge mentally for your own well being.

I would continue to research support orgs in your area for additional resources if you haven't already. Don't hesitate to look for financial grants if some services are available but excessively expensive. You'd be surprised what you might uncover wrt financial support.

Financial assistance resources | Autism Speaks

Find local financial resources for people with autism and their families.

www.autismspeaks.org

State Resources for Autism | IACC

The Interagency Autism Coordinating Committee (IACC) coordinates all efforts within the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) concerning autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

iacc.hhs.gov

Helping Your Child with Autism Thrive - HelpGuide.org

Does your child have autism? As a parent, you can make a big difference in your child's life. These tips can help.

www.helpguide.org

 

[HeelYeah2012]

Sorry ChapelHillSooner. I know you and I disagree deeply about politics, but the stuff you are dealing with is deeper than that and I truly hope things get better for you soon. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

 

[MendotoManteo]

Thank you, Sooner, for being strong enough to share this with us all. It must be incredibly difficult, and I have no idea how you do it.

I don't have your situation, but one thing I've learned from this forum is that there are so many of us fighting our own battles.

For my part, I turn 40 next month and have always suffered from depression and severe anxiety. Just started finally seeing a psychiatrist the past few months, and the meds do seem to be working a bit but too early to tell. I live nearly 3000 miles from my parents, who will soon be in the last decade or two of their lives most likely. I am an alcoholic. I have no children and have gone through an amicable divorce and am still luckily good friends with my ex. But I think all the good milestones by which we judge the value of our lives (falling in love, having children, having grandchildren, etc.) are behind me and now all that remains are the bad milestones (parents aging and dying, me getting older and probably early grave, etc.). There seems nothing to which to look forward. And that's a new experience for me. Very hard to accept. Who will take care of my parents, if I check out?

But I get so much courage from reading what the rest of you endure. That I'm not alone, and that many of us are fighting true battles.

Please stay strong. And as many others have said here, if there's any way we can help, please let us know.

You're a good man!

 

[gtyellowjacket]

Thank you, Sooner, for being strong enough to share this with us all. It must be incredibly difficult, and I have no idea how you do it.

I don't have your situation, but one thing I've learned from this forum is that there are so many of us fighting our own battles.

For my part, I turn 40 next month and have always suffered from depression and severe anxiety. Just started finally seeing a psychiatrist the past few months, and the meds do seem to be working a bit but too early to tell. I live nearly 3000 miles from my parents, who will soon be in the last decade or two of their lives most likely. I am an alcoholic. I have no children and have gone through an amicable divorce and am still luckily good friends with my ex. But I think all the good milestones by which we judge the value of our lives (falling in love, having children, having grandchildren, etc.) are behind me and now all that remains are the bad milestones (parents aging and dying, me getting older and probably early grave, etc.). There seems nothing to which to look forward. And that's a new experience for me. Very hard to accept. Who will take care of my parents, if I check out?

But I get so much courage from reading what the rest of you endure. That I'm not alone, and that many of us are fighting true battles.

Please stay strong. And as many others have said here, if there's any way we can help, please let us know.

You're a good man!

You're still young. Its not too late to reinvent yourself.

And ask your doctor for help with your alcoholism. There are new drugs that are showing much higher success rates than older therapies. In other words, if you've tried to stop before with something like alcoholics anonymous and it didn't work, you're not alone. Try some of them the new medicines.

 

[tallheel95]

Thank you, Sooner, for being strong enough to share this with us all. It must be incredibly difficult, and I have no idea how you do it.

I don't have your situation, but one thing I've learned from this forum is that there are so many of us fighting our own battles.

For my part, I turn 40 next month and have always suffered from depression and severe anxiety. Just started finally seeing a psychiatrist the past few months, and the meds do seem to be working a bit but too early to tell. I live nearly 3000 miles from my parents, who will soon be in the last decade or two of their lives most likely. I am an alcoholic. I have no children and have gone through an amicable divorce and am still luckily good friends with my ex. But I think all the good milestones by which we judge the value of our lives (falling in love, having children, having grandchildren, etc.) are behind me and now all that remains are the bad milestones (parents aging and dying, me getting older and probably early grave, etc.). There seems nothing to which to look forward. And that's a new experience for me. Very hard to accept. Who will take care of my parents, if I check out?

But I get so much courage from reading what the rest of you endure. That I'm not alone, and that many of us are fighting true battles.

Please stay strong. And as many others have said here, if there's any way we can help, please let us know.

You're a good man!

Mendoto, I have been meaning to reply to this comment all night with a lengthy response, but other things came up. But I didn’t want to go to bed without responding.

I’m sorry for your pain. I hear the despair and loneliness. And… it’s never too late for things to change.

When I was your age (39) I was single. I’m 51 now and have a husband, two children and a puppy. (The puppy was a questionable life choice.) Not saying that is your life’s path, but just to show that so much can change in a person's life in a short period of time. I’ve seen it over and over. I know a guy who started taking music lessons in his 40s and is now a great bass player. He plays in a band that travels the country and has made dozens of new close friends. A whole new chapter of his life opened up for him when he was older than you are now. I also know someone who published their first book at 76. The examples could go on and on… but just saying that life does not end at midlife.

So here’s my very unsolicited advice: Stop drinking. Exercise more, pay for a personal trainer if you need to. Eat vegetables and fruits. Find community. Find a therapist. Do something new, like take a pottery class or join a hiking group. But most of all, stop drinking. Your life can be better. I completely understand the alcohol use, it brings short-term relief to anxiety, loneliness, depression — but it makes everything worse. Naltrexone and/or other drugs (even some of the glp-1 class) can help.

Just want you to know that there is hope. Keeping my fingers crossed for you that the new meds you are trying will lift you up in some way…

 

[Centerpiece]

I may be a little over emotional because of the election but I'm just at the end of my rope with my son.

Let me explain yesterday to give you an idea of what a normal day looks like. The day started with him peeing in the bed. He's potty trained but if you don't tell him to go to the bathroom he'll often just pee. I stripped everything from the bed and washed it. I ended up putting everything on his bed but not making it. While dropping him off at school, I spent five minutes trying to get a 6'2" 220 lbs kid out of the car. It's not that he didn't want to go to school. It is just he didn't feel it necessary to get out of the car at that moment.

At night he took the mattress protector along with all of the towels that were out and soaked them in his bathroom sink. So now I don't have a mattress protector for his bed. He also got every bit of soap out of underneath he sink and spread it all over the bathroom.

Keep in mind my son is 15. So I lose it and yell and him that he can't make a mess like that. His response is to giggle and repeat the word "mess". If I don't lose it, he doesn't understand that I am mad. In either case, he doesn't ever understand why I am mad.

He also flooded the kitchen floor (hardwood) as he does almost daily. The day before he had diarrhea in his pants which he spread to the couch. Every hour I have to sweep up huge piles of food.

Imagine having a 15 year old who is essentially a one year old. I know Autism is a wide spectrum but people who have higher functioning kids really have no clue what my life is like. My wife and I are separated so we get a break 50% of the time but no help that other 50%.

The one thing that gets me through days is the knowledge that I have a pretty good life insurance. Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal but that being an out is comforting. (I've had the policy a lot longer than what is required to pay out for that.). Either way, I am 53 and the stress will probably kill me within 10 years. I have come to accept that. (My sister died at 58 and while her drinking may have be a major contributor to her stroke, family history isn't on my side.)

Anyway, politics is a welcome distraction but not so much nowadays. Thanks for listening. This is sort of my community.

I am listening Sooner... we are listening. You are not alone. It's like I just walked 20 ft in your shoes by reading this. I'm not sure I could walk a mile in them. You are more of a human than I. But, perhaps your 15 year old son is even more human still... Life is short. And we haven't much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us. So be swift to love and make haste to be kind. Your kindness is just that. Kind.

 

[MendotoManteo]

Mendoto, I have been meaning to reply to this comment all night with a lengthy response, but other things came up. But I didn’t want to go to bed without responding.

I’m sorry for your pain. I hear the despair and loneliness. And… it’s never too late for things to change.

When I was your age (39) I was single. I’m 51 now and have a husband, two children and a puppy. (The puppy was a questionable life choice.) Not saying that is your life’s path, but just to show that so much can change in a person's life in a short period of time. I’ve seen it over and over. I know a guy who started taking music lessons in his 40s and is now a great bass player. He plays in a band that travels the country and has made dozens of new close friends. A whole new chapter of his life opened up for him when he was older than you are now. I also know someone who published their first book at 76. The examples could go on and on… but just saying that life does not end at midlife.

So here’s my very unsolicited advice: Stop drinking. Exercise more, pay for a personal trainer if you need to. Eat vegetables and fruits. Find community. Find a therapist. Do something new, like take a pottery class or join a hiking group. But most of all, stop drinking. Your life can be better. I completely understand the alcohol use, it brings short-term relief to anxiety, loneliness, depression — but it makes everything worse. Naltrexone and/or other drugs (even some of the glp-1 class) can help.

Just want you to know that there is hope. Keeping my fingers crossed for you that the new meds you are trying will lift you up in some way…

Thank you, tallheel. Didn't mean to distract from Sooner's struggle, but I know it has encouraged me seeing others share their stories. So figured I'd share my own. It's good to have a community where you can share with one another, even if most of us don't know one another and will never talk outside this forum. I'll try to take your advice. And I'm glad you've found something meaningful in your life.

 

[dukeman92]

My step son is Autistic but very high functioning. He's just started college and we're trying to get him comfortable enough to drive on his own. He's getting there. He generally struggles the most with his emotions and verbal communication when he's emotional. He tends to shut down. But we work with him all the time, letting him know that it's okay to verbalize his feelings and communicate about things he's uncomfortable with. It can be a challenge so my heart goes out to you, man.

 

[mpaer]

Just basically a bump for Sooner

 

[ChapelHillSooner]

Thank you, tallheel. Didn't mean to distract from Sooner's struggle, but I know it has encouraged me seeing others share their stories. So figured I'd share my own. It's good to have a community where you can share with one another, even if most of us don't know one another and will never talk outside this forum. I'll try to take your advice. And I'm glad you've found something meaningful in your life.

Don’t worry about distracting. You touched me with your story. I wish the very best for you.

 

[ChapelHillSooner]

Just basically a bump for Sooner

Sorry I got distracted. For now things are better.

My ex wife had my son and instead of getting soap everywhere he got into all of the creams. I got the better end of that deal.

Love to everyone for your responses and for those others who are struggling.

 

[NYCBlueBlood]

Thank you, Sooner, for being strong enough to share this with us all. It must be incredibly difficult, and I have no idea how you do it.

I don't have your situation, but one thing I've learned from this forum is that there are so many of us fighting our own battles.

For my part, I turn 40 next month and have always suffered from depression and severe anxiety. Just started finally seeing a psychiatrist the past few months, and the meds do seem to be working a bit but too early to tell. I live nearly 3000 miles from my parents, who will soon be in the last decade or two of their lives most likely. I am an alcoholic. I have no children and have gone through an amicable divorce and am still luckily good friends with my ex. But I think all the good milestones by which we judge the value of our lives (falling in love, having children, having grandchildren, etc.) are behind me and now all that remains are the bad milestones (parents aging and dying, me getting older and probably early grave, etc.). There seems nothing to which to look forward. And that's a new experience for me. Very hard to accept. Who will take care of my parents, if I check out?

But I get so much courage from reading what the rest of you endure. That I'm not alone, and that many of us are fighting true battles.

Please stay strong. And as many others have said here, if there's any way we can help, please let us know.

You're a good man!

Please know that this sort of thing is not a competition. The fact that others have "bigger" problems to contend with... or at least more external vs. internal, does not in any way minimize the difficulty of what you are struggling with. Depression is real, and when severe like yours, can be completely debilitating.

I turn 50 in Feb. The idea that the best of my life is behind me makes no sense to me. To me you're in that sweet spot where you have the money and perspective to do really interesting trips and experiences, but before health issues with your parents start to take over and limit options again.

I'm divorced... again. I've been seeing somebody who lives on the opposite side of the planet for 5 years now. In some ways it's great... no restrictions on my day to day life... but in some ways it's lonely and isolating... nobody to do things with on the spur of the moment... vacations together have to be planned out months in advance.

I have found myself drinking at home alone a bit too much on days where nobody is around and I'm feeling lonely... and putting on 3 to 4 lbs a year over 4 or 5 years really adds up over time.

Not sure how much this post is trying to cheer you up vs. me commiserating, but definitely continue speaking with a therapist, AND continue to try out different med options until you find the one that truly works for you. 40 is waaaaaaaay too early to be feeling like the best of life is behind you. There is so much out there to do, so long as you get yourself to the point where you're ready to go out and do it.

 

[gtyellowjacket]

Sorry I got distracted. For now things are better.

My ex wife had my son and instead of getting soap everywhere he got into all of the creams. I got the better end of that deal.

Love to everyone for your responses and for those others who are struggling.

That is so unbelievably hard. I know this is going to sound like I'm making light of it but I'm not. I remember getting absolutely exasperated when my 6-year-old kept wetting the bed. I can't imagine what you're having to deal with and knowing it's not going away.

I'm just imagining what would happen if my kid, who I love more than anything, had some sort of accident and I had to start dealing with those issues. I think I'd have to put them in a home.