Lost my Dad last night

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milom98 said:
Wasn't unexpected because he's been on a decline for a while now but there's still no way to prepare yourself for something like it. He's going to be a huge loss for our family. Him and my Mom were married for 60 years this year and she is going to be completely lost without him. She's not in good health, so it's probably going to be a short grieving period and then focusing on her well being.

We couldn't talk politics but I'd give anything to argue with him about it this morning.

You don't think about the true meaning of never until something like this happens and then it hits you like a ton of bricks.

Thanks for letting me express myself here.
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I can identify with where you are. My dad died after a year of declining from a brain tumor. My parents were married for over 50 years and my mom was totally lost without him and in poor mental health and died three years later.

Grieving my dad's death yet focused on my mom's well being was the most sad and stressful 3 years of my 73 years.

I am with you my brother and please know you are in my heart🙏
 
My condolences for your loss.

Like someone else in this thread, I lost my father about 2 1/2 years ago. It does get better over time, but I still miss talking to him. Like yours my parents were married for 60+ years, and many things are difficult for my mom just because there are so many decisions/activities that would simply been taken care before and no longer are. Those unmade decisions serve as a regular reminder of your loss. Just be there for your mom as much as you can. I don't know if you have siblings or not, but my experience is that the transition from your father being the head of the family might change your sibling relationships somewhat (some good, some not so good).
 
Watching one's parents in decline is sobering, and challenging in terms of demands of meeting their everyday needs. Not everyone had a good relationship full of happy memories, especially around holiday and family gatherings, but if you did, consider yourself fortunate and lucky and take solace in that. Sounds like you can. Lost my Dad suddenly in an automobile accident when I was 10, now 56 years ago and counting, but had a strong mother who pulled our family through it. Now eight years since her passing and you never quit missing them, though the memories certainly fade...Peace to you and your family.
 
I would be all in for Medicare-or someone-to have "classes" at Community Colleges ,( University, HS -whatever) in "Elder Care " I don't mean as a profession, I mean just for the avg person that may have to deal with this one day.
I had a perfectly nice family of origin, but we were pretty damn stoic on such matters. And I "could have done better ". I was always pretty good at showing up-but sometimes I was more worthless than I could have been. I got impatient on occasion-and my parents saw it and sometimes it hurt their feelings .
The odds are pretty good-usually in your 60s-we are all needing to take care of our parents at some level .
 
milom98 said:
Wasn't unexpected because he's been on a decline for a while now but there's still no way to prepare yourself for something like it. He's going to be a huge loss for our family. Him and my Mom were married for 60 years this year and she is going to be completely lost without him. She's not in good health, so it's probably going to be a short grieving period and then focusing on her well being.

We couldn't talk politics but I'd give anything to argue with him about it this morning.

You don't think about the true meaning of never until something like this happens and then it hits you like a ton of bricks.

Thanks for letting me express myself here.
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Late to this but just wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss. I’m getting close to this with both parents and it’s good to connect with others’ experiences.
 
Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support.

Had a rough day yesterday (I'm sure there's many more to come) from just the most random stuff. Seeing a couple of food commercials and thinking dad would like that. Looking at the DVR and seeing some of the same shows that we watched and talked about. And don't get me started on how many silver Toyota RAV-4s are out there.

Things are better today though, so that's some progress.

Thanks again.
 
Also late to this. I never have the right words for something like this, but know that I'm thinking about you, your dad, and your loss.
 
It's been 3 weeks since my Dad passed and it still doesn't feel real to me. Feels like he's still in the hospital and is going to be heading home anytime soon like the 2 previous times earlier this year. There's some first without Dad coming up that I'm sure will make it feel more real. My brother has a birthday this month and then there's the holidays (he loved those more than anyone in the family) followed by my birthday at the end of December, New Years, my parents anniversary in early February and Valentines Day. Really not much of a break until after Valentines Day and then it's his birthday in early May (already know that's going to be a tough one).

My aunt (mom's sister) has been staying with my mom and that's helped her cope with the loss and not be so lonely. She's been a big help to myself and my brother to not have to constantly worry about her. And this is probably the longest that they have gone without a big argument/blow up since I was a kid and my aunt moved to Florida for several years. Sure hope it stays that way but they are both pretty big hot heads.

Anyway, I'm sure there's better days ahead. They just can't get here fast enough.
 
milom98 said:
It's been 3 weeks since my Dad passed and it still doesn't feel real to me. Feels like he's still in the hospital and is going to be heading home anytime soon like the 2 previous times earlier this year. There's some first without Dad coming up that I'm sure will make it feel more real. My brother has a birthday this month and then there's the holidays (he loved those more than anyone in the family) followed by my birthday at the end of December, New Years, my parents anniversary in early February and Valentines Day. Really not much of a break until after Valentines Day and then it's his birthday in early May (already know that's going to be a tough one).

My aunt (mom's sister) has been staying with my mom and that's helped her cope with the loss and not be so lonely. She's been a big help to myself and my brother to not have to constantly worry about her. And this is probably the longest that they have gone without a big argument/blow up since I was a kid and my aunt moved to Florida for several years. Sure hope it stays that way but they are both pretty big hot heads.

Anyway, I'm sure there's better days ahead. They just can't get here fast enough.
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Thinking of you, my friend.

My wife lost both her parents fairly recently. She lost her father earlier this year. While his illness came out of nowhere, my wife was able to go up to New Jersey, where he lived, and spend his finals days with him. They weren’t able to communicate, but my wife was able to have a sense of closure from being there with him when he passed. I cannot say that the reality that he is gone has fully set in with my wife yet, but being there at the end has made it easier for her to find peace.

It was a totally different story with her mother. Her mother died very unexpectedly at the end of 2020. My wife got a call on the day of New Year’s Eve from the police department in the New Jersey town where her mom lived. They had done a wellness check at her apartment and found her dead of an apparent heart attack. We were not aware of any serious health issues with her mom before that. We had gone the longest stretch without seeing her due to covid. It had been almost a year. We planned to fly her down for her 70th birthday in February 2021 (the last time we saw her was around her 69th birthday). Learning of her sudden, unexpected death without having seen her for several months made it really hard for my wife to make peace with her passing. It took a really long time for the reality of her passing to set in under those circumstances. But with time she has found peace with it. Of course there are always times where it hurts her to think about the loss of her parents but time has helped her heal in each case.

I share that just to let you know that you will feel better and find peace with time. But also take all the time you need. There is no wrong way to feel.
 
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milom98 said:
There's some first without Dad coming up that I'm sure will make it feel more real. My brother has a birthday this month and then there's the holidays (he loved those more than anyone in the family) followed by my birthday at the end of December, New Years, my parents anniversary in early February and Valentines Day. Really not much of a break until after Valentines Day and then it's his birthday in early May (already know that's going to be a tough one).
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Those holidays and anniversaries are of course rough and everyone needs to go through them to process things, but you’re dreading things all the way out to May 2026. Not to be insensitive, but you may be getting too far ahead of yourself. Helpful to take things a step or even a day at a time.

Otherwise if you’re looking for dark clouds you’re going to find them. And if you’re looking for breaks in the clouds, you’ll find those too. Either way, both are going to come on their own eventually, and the more you dread and build things up in your head, the more unnecessary strain on your mental health.

Try not to treat it like a gauntlet from now until May, and try leaning toward celebration and humor where you can. I’d even advise getting out of town or doing something out of the ordinary for some of those dates.
 
Icky Mettle said:
Thinking of you, my friend.

My wife lost both her parents fairly recently. She lost her father earlier this year. While his illness came out of nowhere, my wife was able to go up to New Jersey, where he lived, and spend his finals days with him. They weren’t able to communicate, but my wife was able to have a sense of closure from being there with him when he passed. I cannot say that the reality that he is gone has fully set in with my wife yet, but being there at the end has made it easier for her to find peace.

It was a totally different story with her mother. He mother died very unexpectedly at the end of 2020. My wife got a call on the day of New Year’s Eve from the police department in the New Jersey town where her mom lived. They had done a wellness check at her apartment and found her dead of an apparent heart attack. We were not aware of any serious health issues with her mom before that. We had gone the longest stretch without seeing her due to covid. It had been almost a year. We planned to fly her down for her 70th birthday in February 2021 (the last time we saw her was around her 69th birthday). Learning of her sudden, unexpected death without having seen her for several months made it really hard for my wife to make peace with her passing. It took a really long time for the reality of her passing to set in under those circumstances. But with time she has found peace with it. Of course there are always times where it hurts her to think about the loss of her parents but time has helped her heal in each case.

I share that just to let you know that you will feel better and find peace with time. But also take all the time you need. There is no wrong way to feel.
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Thanks. This really helped with my outlook on things.

Feels kinda silly posting my sorrows on a random internet message board but I find writing out stuff like this to be much easier than taking about it (even with friends and family).

Thanks again
 
duluoz said:
Those holidays and anniversaries are of course rough and everyone needs to go through them to process things, but you’re dreading things all the way out to May 2026. Not to be insensitive, but you may be getting too far ahead of yourself. Helpful to take things a step or even a day at a time.

Otherwise if you’re looking for dark clouds you’re going to find them. And if you’re looking for breaks in the clouds, you’ll find those too. Either way, both are going to come on their own eventually, and the more you dread and build things up in your head, the more unnecessary strain on your mental health.

Try not to treat it like a gauntlet from now until May, and try leaning toward celebration and humor where you can. I’d even advise getting out of town or doing something out of the ordinary for some of those dates.
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Thanks.

See my reply above to Icky Mettle.
 
Two more thoughts.
1. Long after both my parents had passed away and we had moved my eldest sister to a retirement community, we cleaned out our parents' home prior to its sale. Among the things we found was my Dad's journal from WW2 that he had written for my mother in anticipation of his being killed in the South Pacific. That was an incredible find, one that I treasure, and that I made copies of for all my silblings. When the time comes to clean out your parents home, keep alert for gems such as what my siblings and I found.
2. My father survived his wife of 40 years by an additional 19 years. Worried that his business might fail and not wanting to risk losing his home, my Dad had transferred ownership of his home to the sole ownership of my Mom many years before she died. My mother, an avid reader of romance novels, left an incredibly convoluted will that was seemingly ripped from the pages of a romance novel. As in, my father had a life estate in the house, my eldest sister had a subserviant life estate, and the rest of the kids would equally share in the ownership of the house upon the conclusion of the two life estates. As soon as I found out, after her death, what a legal/romance novel mismash of a will my mother had executed, I immediately filed a disclaimer of interest inheriting anything from my mother's estate with the local county. This did not get me off the hook for periodic maintenace of home where my father and his oldest daughter still lived, but it made me feel better about doing it, as in it was a kind deed, not a legal obligation.
 
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