Taking care of others...

UNCatTech

UNCatTech

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My wife and I fall into that window of age where we are still taking care of our children and also having to start taking care of our parents.

I drove up to my parents this weekend. (Horrible drive, took 8 hours, normally takes 5)

My dad was in the hospital again. He was able to come home yesterday, but he's really in pretty bad shape. We've asked for years that he consider downsizing and enjoying his remaining years, but he's far too stubborn to listen.

I really just don't know how to help him or my mom. It's frustrating since he is so stubborn and refuses to listen.

He has congestive heart failure and diabetes. He and my mother struggle to manage it, but our family doesn't have the money for full time care.

With all of the medical issues he has it's honestly amazing that he is still living, a real testament to modern medicine.

I feel that I need to finish my basement because when my father dies I'm sure that my mother will be coming to live with us. The house they live in is too big and the utilities cost too much for one person. My brother lives around the corner, but really doesn't do much to help. I know he has he own struggles. Saw him yesterday at the hospital and he looks like he's 70, but he's only 50.

Anyway, guess this has been on my mind and I just needed to do something with it.
 
I'm on the other end. We just moved back to Carrboro to live in a detached Adult Detention Unit so my son and his wife can lend a hand with my wife. She's a semi invalid with COPD who just doesn't have the energy or strength to do much around the house or travel unaided. She can , does and takes great pleasure in aiding them by watching our 3 1/2 year old grandson.

I can mostly do it all but I'm old, too. I can use the help with transportation and running errands for now. I'm on the wrong side of 70 so that's not going to last. I'm not fond of needing to lean on them but My son reminds me we were always there for him.

Best of luck to you. It's got to be tough doing it long distance. Try to remember that they have some fear about losing their autonomy and becoming dependent.
 
StoneColdHeel said:
This is what I dread most about getting old. I don't want to have others take care of me.
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I am with you 100%

The most difficult time in my life was a 3 year period where I had two small children (but fortunately a very understanding wife ) and struggled to care for my dad who had brain cancer and my mother who had increasing symptoms of dementia.

The most frustrating thing was their refusal to enter a care facility until the final months of their lives.

My wife and I have long term care insurance. I have told my children when it comes to the time when I am unable to care for myself, they need to throw me into the nursing home/memory care unit ( I'm genetically loaded for alz (mom and maternal grandmother) no matter my resistance, and then once I'm in there never visit me out of a sense of obligation.

I have told them that my purpose in life at this point is to make my kids and grandkids lives as comfortable as possible. I have admonished them that if they should ever fret and stress or feel responsible for my welfare they would be nullifying the very purpose of my life and they should feel guilty for doing so.
 
UNCatTech said:
My wife and I fall into that window of age where we are still taking care of our children and also having to start taking care of our parents.

I drove up to my parents this weekend. (Horrible drive, took 8 hours, normally takes 5)

My dad was in the hospital again. He was able to come home yesterday, but he's really in pretty bad shape. We've asked for years that he consider downsizing and enjoying his remaining years, but he's far too stubborn to listen.

I really just don't know how to help him or my mom. It's frustrating since he is so stubborn and refuses to listen.

He has congestive heart failure and diabetes. He and my mother struggle to manage it, but our family doesn't have the money for full time care.

With all of the medical issues he has it's honestly amazing that he is still living, a real testament to modern medicine.

I feel that I need to finish my basement because when my father dies I'm sure that my mother will be coming to live with us. The house they live in is too big and the utilities cost too much for one person. My brother lives around the corner, but really doesn't do much to help. I know he has he own struggles. Saw him yesterday at the hospital and he looks like he's 70, but he's only 50.

Anyway, guess this has been on my mind and I just needed to do something with it.
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I have a pretty good understanding of what you are going through. My thoughts are with you... and feel free to pm me for comfort and support
 
finesse said:
I'm on the other end. We just moved back to Carrboro to live in a detached Adult Detention Unit so my son and his wife can lend a hand with my wife. She's a semi invalid with COPD who just doesn't have the energy or strength to do much around the house or travel unaided. She can , does and takes great pleasure in aiding them by watching our 3 1/2 year old grandson.

I can mostly do it all but I'm old, too. I can use the help with transportation and running errands for now. I'm on the wrong side of 70 so that's not going to last. I'm not fond of needing to lean on them but My son reminds me we were always there for him.

Best of luck to you. It's got to be tough doing it long distance. Try to remember that they have some fear about losing their autonomy and becoming dependent.
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It is great that you are able to move closer to your son.

If my parents were willing to move, it would make it easier, but I do understand. For my dad this is his legacy. He worked hard for the house and selling it and moving, seems to be like a failure to him.
 
heelinhell said:
I am with you 100%

The most difficult time in my life was a 3 year period where I had two small children (but fortunately a very understanding wife ) and struggled to care for my dad who had brain cancer and my mother who had increasing symptoms of dementia.

The most frustrating thing was their refusal to enter a care facility until the final months of their lives.

My wife and I have long term care insurance. I have told my children when it comes to the time when I am unable to care for myself, they need to throw me into the nursing home/memory care unit ( I'm genetically loaded for alz (mom and maternal grandmother) no matter my resistance, and then once I'm in there never visit me out of a sense of obligation.

I have told them that my purpose in life at this point is to make my kids and grandkids lives as comfortable as possible. I have admonished them that if they should ever fret and stress or feel responsible for my welfare they would be nullifying the very purpose of my life and they should feel guilty for doing so.
Click to expand...
I to worry about not being able to take care of myself. My dad is only 73, I'm 56, I will be there quickly. Hopefully I have done enough that I am not a burden on my children.

I need to look into long term care insurance.
 
My MIL’s husband (so step-FIL) told me recently that my wife and I will have to pitch in financially to take care of him and my MIL.
They have plenty of money but don’t want to spend all their money in retirement so they have money to leave to their children.
But out of their six children (from their prior marriages), only two of us are expected to help out financially with their retirement years.
And the other four have been getting financial assistance from them since I met my wife 20 years ago.
fwiw, it ain’t happening. I have my own retirement to pay for.
 
ChileG said:
My MIL’s husband (so step-FIL) told me recently that my wife and I will have to pitch in financially to take care of him and my MIL.
They have plenty of money but don’t want to spend all their money in retirement so they have money to leave to their children.
But out of their six children (from their prior marriages), only two of us are expected to help out financially with their retirement years.
And the other four have been getting financial assistance from them since I met my wife 20 years ago.
fwiw, it ain’t happening. I have my own retirement to pay for.
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Your MIL’s husband has a lot of nerve to suggest you owe him a damn thing.
 
Sorry for your situation UNC CatTech Its rough-I am old enough to have parental stuff behind me
My general antecdote-worth nothing to you -but worth considering in many situations
Dads don't want to move in with kids because they are too proud to not be independant
Moms don't want to move in with kids because they don't want to be a burden
 
UNCatTech said:
My wife and I fall into that window of age where we are still taking care of our children and also having to start taking care of our parents.

I drove up to my parents this weekend. (Horrible drive, took 8 hours, normally takes 5)

My dad was in the hospital again. He was able to come home yesterday, but he's really in pretty bad shape. We've asked for years that he consider downsizing and enjoying his remaining years, but he's far too stubborn to listen.

I really just don't know how to help him or my mom. It's frustrating since he is so stubborn and refuses to listen.

He has congestive heart failure and diabetes. He and my mother struggle to manage it, but our family doesn't have the money for full time care.

With all of the medical issues he has it's honestly amazing that he is still living, a real testament to modern medicine.

I feel that I need to finish my basement because when my father dies I'm sure that my mother will be coming to live with us. The house they live in is too big and the utilities cost too much for one person. My brother lives around the corner, but really doesn't do much to help. I know he has he own struggles. Saw him yesterday at the hospital and he looks like he's 70, but he's only 50.

Anyway, guess this has been on my mind and I just needed to do something with it.
Click to expand...
Good luck. Don’t really know what to say except I hope it all works out.
 
I have so much sympathy for everyone on this thread. Aging is a challenge for parents and kids.

My father died about 12 years ago. I'm his only child and he had a lot of health problems in his later life (not actually that old. He was only 59 when he died). Near the end, he told me he needed me to given him money. I had no idea, but he had gotten himself into serious financial difficulty. At the time, I didn't have much I could help him with financially. I had two young children and I was the only source of income. He was furious with me for not helping him financially and this led to a falling out between us.

Earlier this year, my mom's husband (my step-father) died after struggling with cancer for a little over a year. I have a half-sister, but I'm the primary one who can offer support. To add a bit additional challenge, I was diagnosed with brain cancer just over two years ago. So far, things have gone much, much better than initially thought. But that will always be a little bit of a background worry that will come back or reappear at another location in the brain.

All this to say, life is filled with challenges and hardship. So my heart goes out to anyone experiencing those challenges now.
 
UNCatTech said:
I to worry about not being able to take care of myself. My dad is only 73, I'm 56, I will be there quickly. Hopefully I have done enough that I am not a burden on my children.

I need to look into long term care insurance.
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At 56yo you are in the sweet zone for getting long term care insurance. The longer you wait the more expensive it becomes, and the premiums do increase as you age.

Me and the missus signed up at 55yo for 4 years coverage with a 5% inflation rider. Our initial quarterly premium was $135 to pay for $150/day
We are now 72yo with a quarterly premium of $680 paying $330/day.

The average current cost of care is now $300-350/day
 
My empathy and sympathy is with you all. I am an only child and do not have children of my own. My parents are rapidly becoming that. Dad is 90% wheelchair bound. He can walk very small amounts with a walker. My mom is starting the slow mental decline that is a hallmark of literally everyone on her side of the family. We do the most we can to enjoy and make memories. It's tough and it's insanely expensive.

I am not a suicidal person but I absolutely plan to bow out on my own volition when I reach the point of not being able to care for myself. Being a burden on someone would be absolute torture for me.
 
finesse said:
I'm on the other end. We just moved back to Carrboro to live in a detached Adult Detention Unit so my son and his wife can lend a hand with my wife. She's a semi invalid with COPD who just doesn't have the energy or strength to do much around the house or travel unaided. She can , does and takes great pleasure in aiding them by watching our 3 1/2 year old grandson.

I can mostly do it all but I'm old, too. I can use the help with transportation and running errands for now. I'm on the wrong side of 70 so that's not going to last. I'm not fond of needing to lean on them but My son reminds me we were always there for him.

Best of luck to you. It's got to be tough doing it long distance. Try to remember that they have some fear about losing their autonomy and becoming dependent.
Click to expand...
Time goes on, eh? It sounds as if you still have your family close and you’ve been a good enough father to earn and maintain your son’s affections. That’s a testament to you and the life you’ve lived to this point, finesse. No matter what challenges you have dealt with in the past or will deal with in the future, you’re a lucky man. Keep truckin’.
 
ChileG said:
My MIL’s husband (so step-FIL) told me recently that my wife and I will have to pitch in financially to take care of him and my MIL.
They have plenty of money but don’t want to spend all their money in retirement so they have money to leave to their children.
But out of their six children (from their prior marriages), only two of us are expected to help out financially with their retirement years.
And the other four have been getting financial assistance from them since I met my wife 20 years ago.
fwiw, it ain’t happening. I have my own retirement to pay for.
Click to expand...
You and you wife are probably never going to be able to say a flat out "No" to everything. But what really will be important is to NEVER sign any financial responsibility form should your MIL and S-FIL need to go into some sort of care facility. Such facilities will come after you and drain you empty without remorse. NEVER PUT YOUR SIGNATURE IN ANYTHING RELATED TO ANY OF YOUR MIL AND S-FIL's HEALTH CARE PROVIDERS. These facilities would make Dracula blush and exclaim, "Oh, my!" I did not have to go through this with my parents, but I did have to go through it with two of my siblings. I was repeatedly asked to sign financial responsibility forms with assurances that it was just a formality. I never did.
 
05C40 said:
You and you wife are probably never going to be able to say a flat out "No" to everything. But what really will be important is to NEVER sign any financial responsibility form should your MIL and S-FIL need to go into some sort of care facility. Such facilities will come after you and drain you empty without remorse. NEVER PUT YOUR SIGNATURE IN ANYTHING RELATED TO ANY OF YOUR MIL AND S-FIL's HEALTH CARE PROVIDERS. These facilities would make Dracula blush and exclaim, "Oh, my!" I did not have to go through this with my parents, but I did have to go through it with two of my siblings. I was repeatedly asked to sign financial responsibility forms with assurances that it was just a formality. I never did.
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Wow, just another example of humans being worthless for money.

John Oliver had a show about Hospice a couple weeks ago. It was sad that humans would take advantage of others in their time of need before death.
 
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