The Weight of Feeling Powerless

[NYCBlueBlood]

At this point I simply don't know the answer.

I want to travel, but some of the destinations don't seem as interesting by myself.

There are other things, like play guitar and learn Spanish, those will be fun.

I really just have to figure it out.

I will see a UNC dook game.

Yeah, it's hard to know what you want to do with your single life this early in the process. It's a bit more complicated in your 50s when pretty much all of your friends are caught up in work and family... suddenly trying to plan a "guys trip" is not so easy.

Not to be catty, but I suspect you will have a lot easier time of things than she will. I can't claim to know what the dating scene is for a recently out of the closet 50s gay woman (especially in suburban NC), but I suspect as a successful engineer you will have a lot of prospects in the recently divorced pool when you are ready to explore them. Even if you are not ready to move on, finding a female companion to go on trips with may be easier than you think... though I'm sure it's hard to think about that now.

But my point on re-thinking what it will take to make you happy was more from a financial planning standpoint. No longer having to plan for 2 changes a lot about the calculus. How big of home do you need? How much per month do you need to live on? What kind of life insurance do you need? There is a lot of freedom in not having to worry about how to plan for "what happens when one or the other of us goes first?".

You have to change your mindset to planning for yourself. She has clearly done that already. And there is nothing wrong with that. But you do not want to be stuck in a place where she is thinking for herself and you are still thinking for both of you... that's a sure-fire path to resentment and anger.

 

[NYCBlueBlood]

tldr, the hardest part of a divorce is shifting mindset to thinking about everything as a combined unit, to thinking about things in your best own individual interests. The person who does it second tends to take a real emotional beating. It seems like she did this before she ever told you it was happening... or at least was a long way down that road. The quicker you can transition your thinking, the sooner you get out of the constant emotional shitkicking you are taking.

 

[heelinhell]

I am. My only request is that we work together to figure things out and not make decisions that cost both of us financially.

I am supporting her, I know this isn't a lie or something to hurt me. It's our evolution.

As she learns more about who she is, there have been some nuanced changes. At first she was willing to attempt a lavender life, but she now knows that isn't right, so we will be divorcing.

Ultimately we have a good history and children, so I want us to be friends when it's all said and done.

We have communicated over the last two years, and you know how much I have admired your perserverance.
I have worked with couples in your circumstance and wish I could share my experience with the two of you in this crisis. If divorce is inevitable, there can be an outcome that does not mar the history of your marriage and family that was.

The outcome could ( should ) be amicable or it could be a hurtful antagonistic morass. My hope is that it is the former because that is what you deserve.

 

[UNCatTech]

We have communicated over the last two years, and you know how much I have admired your perserverance.
I have worked with couples in your circumstance and wish I could share my experience with the two of you in this crisis. If divorce is inevitable, there can be an outcome that does not mar the history of your marriage and family that was.

The outcome could ( should ) be amicable or it could be a hurtful antagonistic morass. My hope is that it is the former because that is what you deserve.

I want it to be amicable. After our talk the other night, I believe we are aligned.

 

[Kingpin]

A divorce you do not want is hard and painful and I understand your feeling of being powerless. With my divorce, I realized that all of us in a marriage only hold 49% stake of the relationship and no matter how much you want it to not happen, you can’t stop it. My recommendation is aligned with the others that amicable and collaborative is the best route for you and the outcome.

The good news is that I found someone else (and you will too) who was a much, much better partner and today we are celebrating our 21st anniversary. This relationship is so much healthier and all around better- it just feels right and comfortable even after two decades. My previous marriage was none of that in comparison, but you can’t see that or believe that when the divorce is happening.

My current wife and I both came from divorces and we both did Divorce Recovery therapy. That is important to sort through your contribution to the breakup and understand yourself and what happened. In divorces each party played a role, but you need to understand that to move forward and find a healthy partner and relationship. And you will.

 

[NYCBlueBlood]

A divorce you do not want is hard and painful and I understand your feeling of being powerless. With my divorce, I realized that all of us in a marriage only hold 49% stake of the relationship and no matter how much you want it to not happen, you can’t stop it. My recommendation is aligned with the others that amicable and collaborative is the best route for you and the outcome.

The good news is that I found someone else (and you will too) who was a much, much better partner and today we are celebrating our 21st anniversary. This relationship is so much healthier and all around better- it just feels right and comfortable even after two decades. My previous marriage was none of that in comparison, but you can’t see that or believe that when the divorce is happening.

My current wife and I both came from divorces and we both did Divorce Recovery therapy. That is important to sort through your contribution to the breakup and understand yourself and what happened. In divorces each party played a role, but you need to understand that to move forward and find a healthy partner and relationship. And you will.

Divorce Recovery therapy sounds like an interesting idea... maybe it could have prevented my 12th or 13th divorce...

 

[Kingpin]

Divorce Recovery therapy sounds like an interesting idea... maybe it could have prevented my 12th or 13th divorce...

The Assoc pastor at her church (United Methodist- not crazy MAGA type) was trained in that type of counseling and ran group sessions with a workbook. It was very helpful to avoid jumping too quickly into another failed relationship. The next one may feel different by comparison but is not necessarily better. The course helped with self-awareness about what to do better at and not repeat mistakes from the previous marriage.

 

[gregh1]

Funny in listening to a book about Buddha and just read about the illusion of control.

If one of us wins the lottery, we will split the money and finances will be great .

So i'm officially in the process of divorce. Moving out in a month - yaay. Not liking housing affordability, or shopping for half a home's worth of stuff - boo. But terrified and losing sleep over my child's well-being - might have to start taking ambien or lunesta.

But I came to blabber on control. Divorce with a 5 year old is forcing me to view my entire future differently. If you want 50/50, conflict-free custody, you are suddenly bound to someone that you are no longer married to, who might even resent you. If I want to move across town (diff hood, diff school), that needs to be negotiated and sold. Even after kiddo is out of the house, if we aren't in the same town it will make it even harder to see him due to potentially doubling his travel budget, sapping travel time. Same with retirement in years, esp if he has a family of his own somehow. Despite house hunting and apartment hunting, i'm kinda stuck for the next 13+ years in terms of neighborhood region. Then partly hindered forever.

There are a few other "joint" decision-points.

But as i'm bemoaning these hand-cuffs on my wanderlust or simple desire to move to a different part of Raleigh, i realized similar hand-cuffs are in place even when you're married (with or without kids). The cross-town move still requires all the convincing and buy-in related to her job and her hesitations, whims, and preferences. F'ing off to somewhere cool, same, retirement relocation, same. There are different degrees of hope and potential but the control wasn't there even when married.

 

[UNCatTech]

So i'm officially in the process of divorce. Moving out in a month - yaay. Not liking housing affordability, or shopping for half a home's worth of stuff - boo. But terrified and losing sleep over my child's well-being - might have to start taking ambien or lunesta.

But I came to blabber on control. Divorce with a 5 year old is forcing me to view my entire future differently. If you want 50/50, conflict-free custody, you are suddenly bound to someone that you are no longer married to, who might even resent you. If I want to move across town (diff hood, diff school), that needs to be negotiated and sold. Even after kiddo is out of the house, if we aren't in the same town it will make it even harder to see him due to potentially doubling his travel budget, sapping travel time. Same with retirement in years, esp if he has a family of his own somehow. Despite house hunting and apartment hunting, i'm kinda stuck for the next 13+ years in terms of neighborhood region. Then partly hindered forever.

There are a few other "joint" decision-points.

But as i'm bemoaning these hand-cuffs on my wanderlust or simple desire to move to a different part of Raleigh, i realized similar hand-cuffs are in place even when you're married (with or without kids). The cross-town move still requires all the convincing and buy-in related to her job and her hesitations, whims, and preferences. F'ing off to somewhere cool, same, retirement relocation, same. There are different degrees of hope and potential but the control wasn't there even when married.

I completely understand.

I wish you the best, I know it's hard and will take time to recover, but I hope we can both get past this and live the lives we deserve.