The Weight of Feeling Powerless

[UNCatTech]

I’ve been watching Holmes Family Rescue, and there’s one thread that runs through every episode: powerlessness. The families Mike Holmes helps aren’t just dealing with bad contractors or broken homes—they’re dealing with the crushing feeling of having no control. They trusted someone, did what they were “supposed” to do, and still ended up stuck, overwhelmed, and taken advantage of.

That feeling hits me harder than the construction disasters themselves as powerlessness is a uniquely painful emotion. It’s not just frustration or disappointment—it’s the sense that no matter what you do, it won’t matter. You can’t fix it. You can’t force change. You’re at the mercy of circumstances, people, or systems that don’t seem to care.

Watching these families makes me sad because I can relate. Maybe not with contractors and houses, but in other areas of life. And I think most people can. At some point, everyone faces situations where control slips away—relationships, health, work, finances, or simply the direction life takes despite our best efforts.

I don’t believe there’s a greater feeling of despair than believing you are powerless to correct or even meaningfully respond to what’s happening to you. It can shrink your confidence, distort your thinking, and quietly convince you that hope is pointless.

And yet, shows like Holmes Family Rescue also remind me of something else: powerlessness often isn’t permanent, even when it feels absolute. Sometimes it takes help. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes it just takes one small moment where control begins to return.

Acknowledging that feeling—naming it, sitting with it—doesn’t make us weak. It makes us honest. And maybe honesty is the first step back toward finding our footing again.

This post has nothing to do with the situations I'm currently working through in life, marriage and work, it's something I think about often and finally had a few minutes to type something out.

Proofreading provided by ChatGPT.

 

[UNCatTech]

This thread wasn't meant to talk about my situation, but I find myself in this situation in life.

I feel powerless in every aspect of life.

I have grown to hate my job, I have this opportunity to take a package and move on, but I'm scared of looking for a new job. I'm scared I'll not make enough.

And now my wife is talking about divorce. I'm still struggling to let go of what I thought we had. I didn't come out as gay, I'm still in love, i still want to be married and grow old together. But she's talking about getting half of my retirement.

Why does it feel like I can't get a break? I feel like my entire life is a struggle.

 

[Rock]

Sorry I missed this but sending good vibes your way. All I know is that the "bad times" are only temporary. You'll persevere and things will look up eventually.

I'd offer some advice but I'm a single, 40 year old substitute teacher so uhh.. there's a lot more successful people that will hopefully chime in.

 

[RockyMtnHoo]

Not sure if this helps since it doesn’t sound like the situations are exactly the same, but I have a buddy who’s going through a later-in-life (late 50’s) divorce from his long-time wife.

Met up with him recently and he’s doing great. He took a job in a different state with a much lower cost of living. Yes, his money pool isn’t as deep as it was, but the stress the marriage was causing him is gone and he’s happy living off a little less. His relationship with their adult kids are better. Money was a big part of their problems but he’d rather live off of half of what he had before than need permission to buy anything like he had the previous 30 years. And he looked 10 years younger from the last time I had seen him.

 

[UNCatTech]

Thanks. Last night was a really low point. But, at least we have more direction to move forward with. What we have tried so far isn't working, so we are going to divorce. I just never thought I would say that.
With everything else going on, I'm going to rescind my request for separation and stay with my current employer. My goal now is retire at 60.

A big thank you to everyone here, the support and advice over the years is greatly appreciated.

 

[sringwal]

Know this - her decision to file for divorce isn't about you, as much as it is about her coming to terms with who she is. Empower her as much as you can continue to be a positive aspect in her life, and the divorce part will be easier on both of you. This impacts you, but it isn't a judgment on you, if that makes sense.

 

[05C40]

Thanks. Last night was a really low point. But, at least we have more direction to move forward with. What we have tried so far isn't working, so we are going to divorce. I just never thought I would say that.
With everything else going on, I'm going to rescind my request for separation and stay with my current employer. My goal now is retire at 60.

A big thank you to everyone here, the support and advice over the years is greatly appreciated.

I have never faced anything remotely challenging as what you are now facing. So, I don't know how I would react if I were in your situation. However, I am CERTAIN that I would not be handling it as well as you are. While surpassing how I would have handled the situation you find yourself in, is an exceedingly low threshold, take what comfort you can in knowing that you, in fact, are doing better than me and probably better that a much greater percentage of the population than you realize. Keep looking for that pony.

 

[gregh1]

This sounds very "buddha", but control in life is often pretty illusory. We can do things to feel like we're in control of finances, actions, direction, paths, outcomes, but often we're at the mercy of fate. A meteor could fall on us any minute. Your wife could win the lottery, something unexpected could happen at work. Odds might be low, but random stuff happens. And when fate pulls the rug you could be let down if you were really attached to something.

I actually dislike saying "f it, i can't control this", but more and more there are things in my life requiring compromise with my wife and she can be miserable to compromise with (she's slow to make decisions, then has wants/needs/opinions which I feel are illogical, wasteful, counterproductive, etc). So i'm just having to pick the points of contentment vs complacency, but reminding myself that it is impossible for to truly have full control helps.

 

[hedge]

I'd offer some advice but I'm a single, 40 year old substitute teacher so uhh.. there's a lot more successful people that will hopefully chime in.

Single 40 year old substitute teacher sounds idyllic, my friend...

 

[Centerpiece]

Thanks. Last night was a really low point. But, at least we have more direction to move forward with. What we have tried so far isn't working, so we are going to divorce. I just never thought I would say that.
With everything else going on, I'm going to rescind my request for separation and stay with my current employer. My goal now is retire at 60.

This^
Sounds like a plan. And a plan in place can give you that sense of "control" you think you're missing.
The final decision to go ahead with divorce - knowing that you can't save the marriage, (at least as far as she's concerned I'm guessing?) - can also give you a sense of direction, and a plan. Hopefully things won't get too messy... but if there is an inkling of an idea that it might (get messy) do some quick research (NOW!) and get "THE" killer lawyer in your area. There's is always that one guy who is the bulldog in that arena... and you want him on your side.

Stick and stay with the job at hand and visualize yourself at 60 - walking away. That bird in the hand (current job) is better than 2 in the bush (the unknown job you'd be hunting).

Finally, there are indeed more fish in the sea...

 

[Enigma94]

For what it's worth I think you are making the right decision to stay with your current employer. Trying to find a new job when dealing with the stress you have in your personal life is just adding fuel to that fire. Understand you hate what you do, but you are close enough to retirement that sticking it out is the safest plan. Also, nothing says you can't look for a new job while you are still working your current one and who knows, you may find something else that's great, but if not your safety net is in place. Best of luck!

 

[finesse]

You'll be a whole lot better placed to know what you need in life after you reach some resolution with your personal life. I know mine ended up with a different focus than I expected just from the act of retiring. You might find that how and where you live and what you do for yourself goes through changes. I wish you the best and hope you find some opportunity to go with your current stress.

 

[hedge]

but more and more there are things in my life requiring compromise with my wife and she can be miserable to compromise with (she's slow to make decisions, then has wants/needs/opinions which I feel are illogical, wasteful, counterproductive, etc).

@Rock , see what I meant about idyllic re: that "single" part of your resumé?

 

[gregh1]

@Rock , see what I meant about idyllic re: that "single" part of your resumé?

Oh, i didn't want to derail, but many, many times i've asked myself HTF did i get here, i'd give my left many-things to not be here.

 

[UNCatTech]

Know this - her decision to file for divorce isn't about you, as much as it is about her coming to terms with who she is. Empower her as much as you can continue to be a positive aspect in her life, and the divorce part will be easier on both of you. This impacts you, but it isn't a judgment on you, if that makes sense.

I am. My only request is that we work together to figure things out and not make decisions that cost both of us financially.

I am supporting her, I know this isn't a lie or something to hurt me. It's our evolution.

As she learns more about who she is, there have been some nuanced changes. At first she was willing to attempt a lavender life, but she now knows that isn't right, so we will be divorcing.

Ultimately we have a good history and children, so I want us to be friends when it's all said and done.

 

[UNCatTech]

This sounds very "buddha", but control in life is often pretty illusory. We can do things to feel like we're in control of finances, actions, direction, paths, outcomes, but often we're at the mercy of fate. A meteor could fall on us any minute. Your wife could win the lottery, something unexpected could happen at work. Odds might be low, but random stuff happens. And when fate pulls the rug you could be let down if you were really attached to something.

I actually dislike saying "f it, i can't control this", but more and more there are things in my life requiring compromise with my wife and she can be miserable to compromise with (she's slow to make decisions, then has wants/needs/opinions which I feel are illogical, wasteful, counterproductive, etc). So i'm just having to pick the points of contentment vs complacency, but reminding myself that it is impossible for to truly have full control helps.

Funny in listening to a book about Buddha and just read about the illusion of control.

If one of us wins the lottery, we will split the money and finances will be great .

 

[UNCatTech]

This^
Sounds like a plan. And a plan in place can give you that sense of "control" you think you're missing.
The final decision to go ahead with divorce - knowing that you can't save the marriage, (at least as far as she's concerned I'm guessing?) - can also give you a sense of direction, and a plan. Hopefully things won't get too messy... but if there is an inkling of an idea that it might (get messy) do some quick research (NOW!) and get "THE" killer lawyer in your area. There's is always that one guy who is the bulldog in that arena... and you want him on your side.

Stick and stay with the job at hand and visualize yourself at 60 - walking away. That bird in the hand (current job) is better than 2 in the bush (the unknown job you'd be hunting).

Finally, there are indeed more fish in the sea...

Agree with everything, except I don't plan on fishing anytime soon.

 

[NYCBlueBlood]

So on the other thread I weighed in as an "expert" on the ways of corporate America... this one I'll take a complete opposite path and weigh in as an expert in the world of divorce and restarting your life. People may be a bit surprised by this, but I happen to have some experience in this.

My first wife came to me one day with no warning... told me that she was not happy, she wasn't sure she wanted to be married, she wasn't sure that she ever truly wanted to marry me... that the only reason she had pushed for us to get married (and she pushed hard while I was hesitant) was because she was convinced I would never agree to get married.

Now we were 25, 1 year married, with no kids... so while a complete shock to the system, I won't pretend it's comparable to a 30+ year marriage with kids. I can definitely tell you that while you absolutely deserve a bender night with some friends where you can blow off steam, a 3-month bender is not a productive option.

But I can also tell you that the in-between part is the worst... being in limbo, trying to get her to show up to marriage counseling, and having her come up with excuses a couple hours before every session as to why she needed to reschedule. The day I forced her to admit it was over was a bad one for me, but it was also the first step in moving past it and getting over it.

Some of this may contradict what I said on the other thread where I was looking at it purely from the perspective of keeping control of your financial future as you navigate the path to retirement, but from a mental wellbeing perspective I would tell you to stop holding yourself financially responsible for an entire family, and instead look at it from the perspective of what do you need to be happy in your retirement. You are not solely responsible for providing for everything. Once you have a fair division of assets, what do you personally need for your retirement. It's up to your wife to take her part and figure out her go forward path. What do you personally need to be happy, and how does that differ from what you had planned for both of you together.

 

[UNCatTech]

So on the other thread I weighed in as an "expert" on the ways of corporate America... this one I'll take a complete opposite path and weigh in as an expert in the world of divorce and restarting your life. People may be a bit surprised by this, but I happen to have some experience in this.

My first wife came to me one day with no warning... told me that she was not happy, she wasn't sure she wanted to be married, she wasn't sure that she ever truly wanted to marry me... that the only reason she had pushed for us to get married (and she pushed hard while I was hesitant) was because she was convinced I would never agree to get married.

Now we were 25, 1 year married, with no kids... so while a complete shock to the system, I won't pretend it's comparable to a 30+ year marriage with kids. I can definitely tell you that while you absolutely deserve a bender night with some friends where you can blow off steam, a 3-month bender is not a productive option.

But I can also tell you that the in-between part is the worst... being in limbo, trying to get her to show up to marriage counseling, and having her come up with excuses a couple hours before every session as to why she needed to reschedule. The day I forced her to admit it was over was a bad one for me, but it was also the first step in moving past it and getting over it.

Some of this may contradict what I said on the other thread where I was looking at it purely from the perspective of keeping control of your financial future as you navigate the path to retirement, but from a mental wellbeing perspective I would tell you to stop holding yourself financially responsible for an entire family, and instead look at it from the perspective of what do you need to be happy in your retirement. You are not solely responsible for providing for everything. Once you have a fair division of assets, what do you personally need for your retirement. It's up to your wife to take her part and figure out her go forward path. What do you personally need to be happy, and how does that differ from what you had planned for both of you together.

At this point I simply don't know the answer.

I want to travel, but some of the destinations don't seem as interesting by myself.

There are other things, like play guitar and learn Spanish, those will be fun.

I really just have to figure it out.

I will see a UNC dook game.

 

[superrific]

At this point I simply don't know the answer.

I want to travel, but some of the destinations don't seem as interesting by myself.

There are other things, like play guitar and learn Spanish, those will be fun.

I really just have to figure it out.

I will see a UNC dook game.

Try dating a Republican. For some of them, one needs only a simple bullshit lie and they will go down eagerly. Josh Hawley comes to mind. It's cheaper than dating a liberal.