Therapy who’s in it and who’s not?

[UNCatTech]

My therapist was out of town this past week and this week. Next visit next Monday.

I'm really up and down lately. I've accepted that my wife and I are now basically roommates, for financial and family reasons.

When the basement is finished she's going to move downstairs. Which will probably be better to not have to see her as much.

At this point, I don't ever see being with a woman. I just don't want to put in the effort to date and there's the financial stuff. If we were to divorce I'm sure she would want half of everything. I'm fine with half the house, but I really don't want to give up half my retirement. But maybe we can work this out as roommates. It does keep the expenses where they are. But we have to separate money, so she can use her own money for entertainment.

I really want to join the gym again, for several reasons, but the gyms near me suck. I really liked the cardio type classes more than weights. None of the gyms near me have a good selection of classes after 5 PM. They have most of their classes between 9 am and 3 pm. Guess I'm not the target audience. I want to take yoga so I can stretch out better and feel a little better, but there isn't a good yoga studio near me and they are all outrageously expensive.

I've been reading the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I'm really trying to focus on the things in my life that are worth giving a fuck about. It's hard to accept that I don't have that wife that I always wanted and had grown accustom to. Sometimes I wish she had simply done something horrible that I could hate her for, just leave and abandon me and the family. That, I believe would be easier to get past. The fact that I still love her and we get along actually makes things harder.

 

[SmilingJack]

UNC@Tech I can’t remember and haven’t gone back on the thead to look. My wife and I are doing what we had no idea about but of course it has an online presence for a decade! LAT “Living Alone Together” hopefully nobody has to live in the basement! Google it and see what you think because if there’s no third party involved usually this, if you can afford it, keeps things as they are but less toxic? We both got our own therapist and we still have great trips together and even sex once in a while! I’m 67 and so maybe the weekly sex thing is a deal killer for younger folks? Truth is that I have never been happier nor more in love with the love of my life! But we’re only 2 years into it so who knows? I do know what we did for the previous 42 years wasn’t working anymore. Just an idea that maybe you could share before you try to cohabitate with someone feeling like a Ross Perot reference!
I’m pulling for you dude!
Realized many people here don’t remember Ross Perot!

H. Ross Perot Quote: “The debt is like a crazy aunt we keep down in the basement. All the neighbors know she’s there, but nobody wants to...”

“The debt is like a crazy aunt we keep down in the basement. All the neighbors know she’s there, but nobody wants to talk about her.” — Quote by H. Ross Perot

quotefancy.com

 

[wmheel1287]

UNC@Tech I can’t remember and haven’t gone back on the thead to look. My wife and I are doing what we had no idea about but of course it has an online presence for a decade! LAT “Living Alone Together” hopefully nobody has to live in the basement! Google it and see what you think because if there’s no third party involved usually this, if you can afford it, keeps things as they are but less toxic? We both got our own therapist and we still have great trips together and even sex once in a while! I’m 67 and so maybe the weekly sex thing is a deal killer for younger folks? Truth is that I have never been happier nor more in love with the love of my life! But we’re only 2 years into it so who knows? I do know what we did for the previous 42 years wasn’t working anymore. Just an idea that maybe you could share before you try to cohabitate with someone feeling like a Ross Perot reference!
I’m pulling for you dude!
Realized many people here don’t remember Ross Perot!

H. Ross Perot Quote: “The debt is like a crazy aunt we keep down in the basement. All the neighbors know she’s there, but nobody wants to...”

“The debt is like a crazy aunt we keep down in the basement. All the neighbors know she’s there, but nobody wants to talk about her.” — Quote by H. Ross Perot

quotefancy.com

With regard to the sex thing, my sense is that younger people (like under 30) are having almost no sex anymore. In that regard, they are a very weird cohort. Too overstimulated with everything else.

 

[tallheel95]

UNC@Tech, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. I've actually wondered before what I would do if my husband came to me one day and had a similar change of heart... I've certainly heard of this happening to people before. Such a rough road when you think you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone as a romantic partner, then the rug gets pulled out from under you. I will say this though -- I was actually a therapist for over a decade, and I got to witness how people's lives unfolded. Time and time again I was surprised by the twists and turns of life, how things have a tendency to change in ways that we could not predict. I was also heartened by people's resilience over time. You cannot possibly know what your life is going to look like in 10 years. In a decade you may look back and actually be thankful that this has all happened. You never know. Do not discount the possibility of another romantic relationship in your life. But for now... certainly do what you can to be kind to yourself and help yourself get through this difficult time of grief and change. Exercise and joining a gym is a great idea. You have control over what choices you make, even if you don't have control over others' choices. Sending my best to you.

 

[CRHeel94]

Had not clicked on this thread. Saw UNCatTech's post on this page and went back and read the thread (some things really resonated in this post)

I saw a therapist abou16 years ago. I sensed something was off; took one of those online depression quizzes and it set off some alarms. Was kinda caught in a dead end job wise and was not in a good place in my relationship. So I saw a therapist and got diagnosed with mild depression. It really caught my wife by surprise when I shared the diagnosis. I probably went to 4-6 sessions (including a session with my wife that I seem to remember not going well). Think it was a good opportunity to just get some things off my chest. Got turned off to the process when the therapist started asking for my help with some complex bank issues (I worked at the bank). Just stopped going. What really helped was that during those two months I was going to the therapist, I switched jobs from a job I totally hated to one that I really liked...that made all the difference.

I'm not sure I would go back to therapy. But I am concerned about the loneliness of this stage of life. Kids are out of the nest. Some of my good friends have moved away. My job situation changed four years ago: I do independent consulting which leads to long stretches of being by myself in my home office. Many days my only interaction is with my wife and sometimes it drives me crazy. Basketball season is good because it gives me purpose and social stimulation, but out of season can be a little tough.

What I probably need right now is a sports psychologist. Had a great club season, winning my fifth national title (I'm now third all time in career titles)...but I really took it on the chin with my national team responsibilities. I'm on a six game losing streak: that includes four losses to teams that were dramatically better than us (two of those were close), but also two blowout losses to teams that we should have beat. That losing streak is the longest in my career over 20 years. I can explain it away to outsiders and make a rational defense of each result. But I know in my heart that we didn't play as well as we could have. And it has me shook.

 

[heelinhell]

UNC@Tech, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. I've actually wondered before what I would do if my husband came to me one day and had a similar change of heart... I've certainly heard of this happening to people before. Such a rough road when you think you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone as a romantic partner, then the rug gets pulled out from under you. I will say this though -- I was actually a therapist for over a decade, and I got to witness how people's lives unfolded. Time and time again I was surprised by the twists and turns of life, how things have a tendency to change in ways that we could not predict. I was also heartened by people's resilience over time. You cannot possibly know what your life is going to look like in 10 years. In a decade you may look back and actually be thankful that this has all happened. You never know. Do not discount the possibility of another romantic relationship in your life. But for now... certainly do what you can to be kind to yourself and help yourself get through this difficult time of grief and change. Exercise and joining a gym is a great idea. You have control over what choices you make, even if you don't have control over others' choices. Sending my best to you.

Had not clicked on this thread. Saw UNCatTech's post on this page and went back and read the thread (some things really resonated in this post)

I saw a therapist abou16 years ago. I sensed something was off; took one of those online depression quizzes and it set off some alarms. Was kinda caught in a dead end job wise and was not in a good place in my relationship. So I saw a therapist and got diagnosed with mild depression. It really caught my wife by surprise when I shared the diagnosis. I probably went to 4-6 sessions (including a session with my wife that I seem to remember not going well). Think it was a good opportunity to just get some things off my chest. Got turned off to the process when the therapist started asking for my help with some complex bank issues (I worked at the bank). Just stopped going. What really helped was that during those two months I was going to the therapist, I switched jobs from a job I totally hated to one that I really liked...that made all the difference.

I'm not sure I would go back to therapy. But I am concerned about the loneliness of this stage of life. Kids are out of the nest. Some of my good friends have moved away. My job situation changed four years ago: I do independent consulting which leads to long stretches of being by myself in my home office. Many days my only interaction is with my wife and sometimes it drives me crazy. Basketball season is good because it gives me purpose and social stimulation, but out of season can be a little tough.

What I probably need right now is a sports psychologist. Had a great club season, winning my fifth national title (I'm now third all time in career titles)...but I really took it on the chin with my national team responsibilities. I'm on a six game losing streak: that includes four losses to teams that were dramatically better than us (two of those were close), but also two blowout losses to teams that we should have beat. That losing streak is the longest in my career over 20 years. I can explain it away to outsiders and make a rational defense of each result. But I know in my heart that we didn't play as well as we could have. And it has me shook.

If a therapist requests help from a client, then that "therapist " should be kicked to the curb.

As a retired therapist I find your post intriguing. Is the relationship with your wife and your "mild depression" dx something separate from feeling "shook" about how the sports team is performing ? Just me wondering so no need to respond

 

[CRHeel94]

The mild depression was about 16 years ago. Eventually got through that.

Being shook now is related to my coaching career right now. Ive been coaching in our pro league for about 20 years: I've coached our national team for about 4. Even though it's my hobby (I'm probably the only coach in our ecosystem that doesn't get paid), I take it very seriously and pour a decent amount of time into it. When I worked full time it was quite a challenge juggling both during basketball season. Now that I'm a part time guy, I'm able to dedicate more time to coaching. So it has become a more important part of my current purpose.

In a break from my DES-inspired humility...I've been a very successful coach: 250 career wins with a 70% winning percentage. Five national titles as head coach, one more as an assistant. Since I took over the national team we have climbed 30 spots on the FIBA rankings. 2024 was my toughest club year in a while...made me question if I still had my fastball. My college roommate who was a high school coach in NC helped me break out of it...said I had basically been spoiled by my success. Winning a title this year was a nice redemption.

One of the problems is that I really can't talk with coaches down here. Some are my direct competitors...wouldnt feel comfortable showing any vulnerability.

 

[UNCatTech]

UNC@Tech I can’t remember and haven’t gone back on the thead to look. My wife and I are doing what we had no idea about but of course it has an online presence for a decade! LAT “Living Alone Together” hopefully nobody has to live in the basement! Google it and see what you think because if there’s no third party involved usually this, if you can afford it, keeps things as they are but less toxic? We both got our own therapist and we still have great trips together and even sex once in a while! I’m 67 and so maybe the weekly sex thing is a deal killer for younger folks? Truth is that I have never been happier nor more in love with the love of my life! But we’re only 2 years into it so who knows? I do know what we did for the previous 42 years wasn’t working anymore. Just an idea that maybe you could share before you try to cohabitate with someone feeling like a Ross Perot reference!
I’m pulling for you dude!
Realized many people here don’t remember Ross Perot!

H. Ross Perot Quote: “The debt is like a crazy aunt we keep down in the basement. All the neighbors know she’s there, but nobody wants to...”

“The debt is like a crazy aunt we keep down in the basement. All the neighbors know she’s there, but nobody wants to talk about her.” — Quote by H. Ross Perot

quotefancy.com

I appreciate you sharing.

I've read about so many different options this last 6 months. The big factor in my situation is that she is gay, so intimacy is pretty much done.

But for now, I'm ok with just basically being friends. We still do things together and hang out with the family.

Ultimately I'm torn from a personal standpoint in that I believe I would like to be intimate with someone in the future, but at this point I'm not willing to put in the effort. So, for now I'm learning to live with myself and my family.

In the last two weeks I've went out to lunch with two different co-workers, something I very rarely do.

Another thing is that work isn't exactly the best right now and I believe I have always gotten a lot of confidence and self value from my work and supporting my family.

 

[HandsonFire]

Wife and I went to a therapist probably 15 years ago to sort out some isssuees with my Mom. Good woman but a little off ns can be real nasty at times, but so can I. My wife doesn’t operate Ike that. Put us both at easez

I could probably use some therapy right now but church will probably be where I head . Not been a great year and i know I struggle with depression. April to September was awful. I just had ceased to give a fuck other than to do the bare minimum to get by. I’ve been pulling out of it , but the shit that set it off isn’t settled and may never be.

 

[UNCatTech]

Had not clicked on this thread. Saw UNCatTech's post on this page and went back and read the thread (some things really resonated in this post)

I saw a therapist abou16 years ago. I sensed something was off; took one of those online depression quizzes and it set off some alarms. Was kinda caught in a dead end job wise and was not in a good place in my relationship. So I saw a therapist and got diagnosed with mild depression. It really caught my wife by surprise when I shared the diagnosis. I probably went to 4-6 sessions (including a session with my wife that I seem to remember not going well). Think it was a good opportunity to just get some things off my chest. Got turned off to the process when the therapist started asking for my help with some complex bank issues (I worked at the bank). Just stopped going. What really helped was that during those two months I was going to the therapist, I switched jobs from a job I totally hated to one that I really liked...that made all the difference.

I'm not sure I would go back to therapy. But I am concerned about the loneliness of this stage of life. Kids are out of the nest. Some of my good friends have moved away. My job situation changed four years ago: I do independent consulting which leads to long stretches of being by myself in my home office. Many days my only interaction is with my wife and sometimes it drives me crazy. Basketball season is good because it gives me purpose and social stimulation, but out of season can be a little tough.

What I probably need right now is a sports psychologist. Had a great club season, winning my fifth national title (I'm now third all time in career titles)...but I really took it on the chin with my national team responsibilities. I'm on a six game losing streak: that includes four losses to teams that were dramatically better than us (two of those were close), but also two blowout losses to teams that we should have beat. That losing streak is the longest in my career over 20 years. I can explain it away to outsiders and make a rational defense of each result. But I know in my heart that we didn't play as well as we could have. And it has me shook.

You did the right thing dumping a therapist that didn't understand to stay in their lane. The relationship has to stay neutral and professional. That's part of the reason my daughter change therapist, she had been with the same person so long they were basically becoming friends and even the therapist recognized that they needed to stop seeing each other in a professional capacity.

I completely understand the job component. My job has been up and down over the years, I'm hoping that I'm just in a down period, but it's a bad time to be in a down period at work and figuring out my personal life. One reason I go into work is to be around people. I can do all of my work from home and I get more done at home, but I really need to be around people.

Speaking of being around people, that's something I'm looking for. In the last 15 years I've been so focused on family and work that I have few friends outside of work. My wife now has her rugby and I'm actually sort of jealous that she has that community. I've been looking for something similar, but no luck yet and while there is also a men's rugby team, I'm not sure that would be good for me to be that close to her space in that area.

Yes, basketball season is a nice distraction and thankfully it's off to a good start.

 

[UNCatTech]

Wife and I went to a therapist probably 15 years ago to sort out some isssuees with my Mom. Good woman but a little off ns can be real nasty at times, but so can I. My wife doesn’t operate Ike that. Put us both at easez

I could probably use some therapy right now but church will probably be where I head . Not been a great year and i know I struggle with depression. April to September was awful. I just had ceased to give a fuck other than to do the bare minimum to get by. I’ve been pulling out of it , but the shit that set it off isn’t settled and may never be.

I wish you the best in finding some level of resolution.

Though I am an atheist, I sort of envy those that really make connections in church, I wish there was something similar I could find, more just the meeting and without the preaching. Actually when I went to church, I really knew that I wasn't a believer, but I saw other benefits, or I thought... I did try to build friendships in the church but when I tried to ask others deeper questions I always got the "Have you prayed about it" answer, so it never really went anywhere.

 

[UNCatTech]

My wife is actually going out of town this weekend to meet a friend she's made in Indiana.

So I'll have a weekend alone. But I'm not dreading it.

 

[HandsonFire]

I’ve been pretty bles

I wish you the best in finding some level of resolution.

Though I am an atheist, I sort of envy those that really make connections in church, I wish there was something similar I could find, more just the meeting and without the preaching. Actually when I went to church, I really knew that I wasn't a believer, but I saw other benefits, or I thought... I did try to build friendships in the church but when I tried to ask others deeper questions I always got the "Have you prayed about it" answer, so it never really went anywhere.

In that our church has some intellectual Christian’s for lack of a better term. So asking hard questions doesn’t bother them, even if they don’t have an answer.

 

[heelinhell]

The mild depression was about 16 years ago. Eventually got through that.

Being shook now is related to my coaching career right now. Ive been coaching in our pro league for about 20 years: I've coached our national team for about 4. Even though it's my hobby (I'm probably the only coach in our ecosystem that doesn't get paid), I take it very seriously and pour a decent amount of time into it. When I worked full time it was quite a challenge juggling both during basketball season. Now that I'm a part time guy, I'm able to dedicate more time to coaching. So it has become a more important part of my current purpose.

In a break from my DES-inspired humility...I've been a very successful coach: 250 career wins with a 70% winning percentage. Five national titles as head coach, one more as an assistant. Since I took over the national team we have climbed 30 spots on the FIBA rankings. 2024 was my toughest club year in a while...made me question if I still had my fastball. My college roommate who was a high school coach in NC helped me break out of it...said I had basically been spoiled by my success. Winning a title this year was a nice redemption.

One of the problems is that I really can't talk with coaches down here. Some are my direct competitors...wouldnt feel comfortable showing any vulnerability.

I may be way off base here and at risk to offend you, but here goes...

You have had great success as a coach and now worry whether if you can sustain your success. I agree with your college roommate in the sense that you are feeling the the self imposed pressure to sustain that level of success.

I don't know why you got into coaching, but I hope it was for the love of the game and that the purpose was to not only stack up wins but to develop your players' skills and see them translate their development as a player into their personal lives.

So to be blunt, maybe focus less on your legacy as a winning coach and focus more on how your coaching is having a positive impact on the lives of your team members beyond the game and more generally ?

 

[CRHeel94]

No offense at all...grateful for the feedback.

I'm actually not that fixated on legacy. I'm happy with what I've accomplished. Have never told anyone my amount of career wins (think my basketball junkie son is aware). The titles are out in the open, but it's not something I'm promoting (I see less accomplished coaches touting their stuff). Since I don't make money off basketball, I don't feel a pressure to promote myself or camps or clinics like those coaches have to do. I'm very much in the DES school of putting his players first. My competitive edge is that I'm perceived as a player-friendly coach. I enjoy the genuine relationships I have built up over the last 20 years of hoops: I'm the guy that always gives them letters of recommendations, friendly advice about big decisions on and off the court, I'm even the godfather to one of my player's kids. My greatest joys have come from those relationships.

Having gotten that out of the way...and I don't think I'm particularly unique among coaches, I think there is an addiction to winning (for lack of a better word). And it gets worse with the more success you have, which means that the losses become more bitter. And from reading about other coaches its an asymmetric response...you hate losing a lot kore than you like winning. Winning gives you a emotional bump; losing (and there's two types in particular) can be catastrophic. So then you start analyzing the losses. I've always felt that there are great lessons in losses. In fact, with my best teams, I always felt a loss late in the regular season was kinda needed to tighten things up. So usually I'm fine processing a loss.
But when losses start piling up you start wondering if its something systematic. And that's when doubt creeps in. Is it a personnel flaw? Is it something in my coaching? Have I lost the connection with my players?

I took November off from basketball...kinda to let the mental field be fallow for a bit. But as the calendar has turned to December, its time to start thinking of these things.

 

[CRHeel94]

You did the right thing dumping a therapist that didn't understand to stay in their lane. The relationship has to stay neutral and professional. That's part of the reason my daughter change therapist, she had been with the same person so long they were basically becoming friends and even the therapist recognized that they needed to stop seeing each other in a professional capacity.

I completely understand the job component. My job has been up and down over the years, I'm hoping that I'm just in a down period, but it's a bad time to be in a down period at work and figuring out my personal life. One reason I go into work is to be around people. I can do all of my work from home and I get more done at home, but I really need to be around people.

Speaking of being around people, that's something I'm looking for. In the last 15 years I've been so focused on family and work that I have few friends outside of work. My wife now has her rugby and I'm actually sort of jealous that she has that community. I've been looking for something similar, but no luck yet and while there is also a men's rugby team, I'm not sure that would be good for me to be that close to her space in that area.

Yes, basketball season is a nice distraction and thankfully it's off to a good start.

I was lucky to have a job I loved and working with great people for 12 years (while making good money). I didn't see the cliff coming til it was way too late and it ended so abruptly. The last 4 years Ive been an independent consultant; its not nearly as rewarding on any front. The biggest challenge I've had is finding a sense of purpose. I don't necessarily need to work from a financial standpoint and I love my current flexibility, but drifting along without purpose is not something I had envisioned for this stage of life.