What Age is appropriate for a funeral (beloved Great Gramma)

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mpaer

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Likely coming soon As a kid my parents did not take us below maybe 12. My family of origin was likely a bit extreme?
But I don't think a 4 yr should go to a funeral .They are cognitavely aware enough to have to explain it some-and how do you do that with a 4 yr old?
 
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I went to my grandfather's funeral at 6 years old and looking back I wish I hadn't. To this day, 49 years later, I hate the hymn Amazing Grace.
 
mpaer said:
Likely coming soon As a kid my parents did not take us below maybe 12. My family of origin was likely a bit extreme?
But I don't think a 4 yr shoud go to a funeral .They are cognitavely aware enough to have to explain it some-and how do you do that with a 4 yr old?
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When we had a memorial service for my mother-in-law, my kids were 6 and 4. They attended. What was really special was that toward the end, people had the opportunity to stand up in front of everyone and say some words about my mother-in-law, and my then 6-year-old son asked if he could say something. We had not suggested to him that he could say something and did not at all expect him to. He’s someone who does not like being the center of attention. But he got up there and told a story about how one time he ate all his ice cream really fast and then looked over to see that his grandmommy still had most of her ice cream left. She then handed him her ice cream and let him finish it. It was so touching and such a special moment when he did that. Everyone was incredibly moved. He truly understood that the service was about.

My then 4-year-old daughter, on the other hand, was a bit of a challenge at the service. At that age, she didn’t take it well when she saw my wife upset, and it would cause her to act out.

So I guess it just depends on the kid. But sometimes, regardless of the kid, it just seems important to have the whole family together.
 
mpaer said:
Likely coming soon As a kid my parents did not take us below maybe 12. My family of origin was likely a bit extreme?
But I don't think a 4 yr should go to a funeral .They are cognitavely aware enough to have to explain it some-and how do you do that with a 4 yr old?
Click to expand...
Completely depends on the kid, but I think 8-10 is a good age for both funerals and weddings. I don't care how great your kid is or how much Gramma wants him there, ain't NOBOBY who really wants your toddler at a wedding.

(Not you, mpaer. The generic "your.")
 
My initial thought was “I’d wait until she died.”

I attended funerals when I was young, probably 5 or 6 years old.
 
The celebration of Life part is all good . The family get together is good
But what if the 4 or 9 or 11 yr old asks about the coffin etc.?
Oh well these are grandkids I am talking about-totally up to their parents and perhaps Great Grammas daughter-my ex
 
1moretimeagain said:
My initial thought was “I’d wait until she died.”

I attended funerals when I was young, probably 5 or 6 years old.
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I had a similar thought "It's not so much about age, but making sure the person is deceased before having a funeral".
 
My 4.5-year-old and 1.5-year-old went to my mother's, their beloved grandmother's, memorial service at church. 1.5 was so young she didn't understand what was going on, of course.

I think any decision someone wants to make about their 4-year-old is fine. But I would encourage any parent not to make the decision primarily for the purpose that you don't want to explain death or related concepts to them. It is not an easy thing to explain death to a child, but I don't think it helps you or them to try to avoid having the conversation just because it's a difficult one. I don't know how good a job my wife and did with those conversations with the 4.5-year-old - and those conversations continued for months and years afterwards, because she would continue to randomly bring it up from time to time - but we would have had to have those conversations anyway, it's not like we could just pretend like her grandmother was still alive.
 
mpaer said:
Likely coming soon As a kid my parents did not take us below maybe 12. My family of origin was likely a bit extreme?
But I don't think a 4 yr should go to a funeral .They are cognitavely aware enough to have to explain it some-and how do you do that with a 4 yr old?
Click to expand...
I remember going to my great grandfather's funeral at around 4. I also remember crying soon afterward thinking about how my my parents would die someday.

For those of us who grew up in an evangelical church, we heard about death constantly at very young ages.

My sister took the approach that she wanted her kids to have as carefree of a young childhood as possible and kept things like death and other unpleasant things from them, maybe to a fault. I think that was her reaction to what she heard in church growing up. They seemed to have turned out fine though.
 
mpaer said:
The celebration of Life part is all good . The family get together is good
But what if the 4 or 9 or 11 yr old asks about the coffin etc.?
Oh well these are grandkids I am talking about-totally up to their parents and perhaps Great Grammas daughter-my ex
Click to expand...
I get 4, but 9 or 11? Those kids know about death. If they didn't learn it from their parents, they learned it from others.

(I say they know but my 15 year old doesn't of course but that is different. He does have a natural self protection instinct which is good. When he was 7 at my dad's viewing, he ran into the viewing room but hardly even noticed my dad there. If he did notice he didn't react to it.)
 
If the kid isn’t old enough for you to ask, don’t bring them.

If the kid is old enough for you to ask, ask them.

If the kid is old enough to not consider themselves a kid anymore, then they’d better be there.
 
Going to viewings and funerals was such an ingrained cultural thing when I was growing up that I don’t recall an experience attending my first such event (I do recall my parents sorting out who would keep my brothers for such events because they were 17-months apart and until both were in grade school such a handful that they could barely be wrangled through the grocery store, much less a church event). I was surprised when my husband objected to taking our son to my grandmother’s funeral (he was about 9-10). It didn’t even occur to me, TBH. But after discussing it, I understood my husband’s concerns.

I guess it depends a lot on the kid and how close they were to the person.
 
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