Does anyone regret staying in a complacent marriage for the sake of their kids?
- Thread starter gregh1
- Start date
- Replies: 30
- Views: 663
- Off-Topic
gtyellowjacket
Inconceivable Member
- Messages
- 3,065
I'm not sure I really fit into the complacent marriage category, but maybe I do. My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We still have regular physical intimacy although of course that has slowed since when we were newlyweds. I'm comfortable with that.
The emotional intimacy has also slowed. We certainly don't hate each other or even dislike each other. We share in each other successes and console each other during disappointments but I don't feel as emotionally connected to her as when we were dating or when I was first married. Maybe that's to be expected over time.
I've never seriously considered leaving her. Sometimes the thoughts flit through about what it might be like without kids and single but it's never serious. It might be more exciting, but I'd be giving up so much in terms of a long-term partner, my kids, financial stability, etc.
Sorry. Not much help to the question you asked, but if it's simply that the passion is not what it once was, your friend may need to evaluate whether that's normal and if he can replace it with something else.
- Messages
- 42,000
It depends a lot on circumstances. Virtually every marriage has a stretch that requires toughing it out.
That said, it also depends on whether the adults can actually behave like adults for the benefit of the kids they are purportedly trying to tough it out for. I have a very negative impression of people’s ability to do so because I’ve seen real dregs of humanity in pro bono work on particular ugly custody cases. The way people put their kids in the firing line and use them as weapons against each other is outrageous. So much so that I had to finally quit that kind of pro bono work. Too depressing.
Kids are very perceptive. If their parents are miserable, most likely the kid will be too, whether directly or indirectly a result of parental conflict. Kids also have a seemingly endless capacity to blame themselves for things out of their control.
Anyway, to me, if the parents have decided that the marriage is over, just a matter of time, my very general instinct is they should break the bond now. The kids will suffer either way, but hopefully will live in a healthier split home life than in a home with two people who hate each other.
That said, it also depends on whether the adults can actually behave like adults for the benefit of the kids they are purportedly trying to tough it out for. I have a very negative impression of people’s ability to do so because I’ve seen real dregs of humanity in pro bono work on particular ugly custody cases. The way people put their kids in the firing line and use them as weapons against each other is outrageous. So much so that I had to finally quit that kind of pro bono work. Too depressing.
Kids are very perceptive. If their parents are miserable, most likely the kid will be too, whether directly or indirectly a result of parental conflict. Kids also have a seemingly endless capacity to blame themselves for things out of their control.
Anyway, to me, if the parents have decided that the marriage is over, just a matter of time, my very general instinct is they should break the bond now. The kids will suffer either way, but hopefully will live in a healthier split home life than in a home with two people who hate each other.
ZenMode
Legend of ZZL
- Messages
- 6,472
It's hard to say. My mom stayed with my dad until my brother and I were both 18. She's never expressed any regret.
It really depends on how it impacts the child, which is impossible to know. Some kids do fine with divorce. Others don't.
4thgenheel
Iconic Member
- Messages
- 2,120
can you elaborate a little bit more on the "complacent" marriage?
like, do these people still love each other but are bored / going through a mid-life crisis or are they actually miserable and dislike each other and are going to eventually end the marriage regardless?
if 2, seems like waiting could be even more damaging to everyone including the kid.
like, do these people still love each other but are bored / going through a mid-life crisis or are they actually miserable and dislike each other and are going to eventually end the marriage regardless?
if 2, seems like waiting could be even more damaging to everyone including the kid.
We did quite a bit of marriage counseling pre-kiddo (still have the enneagram books and John Gottman stuff - i recommend counseling to all couples), at least a yr due to some communication probs, some problems with not having that "favorite person/best friend" feeling, etc, and decided to stay together. We got better at communication and I was fairly content despite it not being the most intimate, affectionate relationship, her too. A few yrs later we have a son and then parenting brought out some personality problems - we're just not meant for each other. We don't love each other for our personalities, rather we stuck it out due to convenience, inertia, similar values, similar goals, similar likes.
Pre-kid: content. We're good partners, but not lovers.
Post-kid: complacent, meaning just giving up on hope of a loving relationship or one where i really like my partner and look forward to things with them. We're respectful, civil, supportive, but there are resentments, annoyances, things like "dislike" are just accepted as "part of a bad ballgame". Just stuck in the mud, closer to surviving than thriving. If it wasn't for wanting a "family situation" for my son, then we'd be divorced. If he moved out of the house tomorrow i'm confident we'd divorce. She's a great mom, she makes me feel really appreciated as a dad, she's supportive, we don't fight, we barely argue, cuz there's no gain, nothing is going to change. We both admit to being unhappy and having a life of resentment.
Turd Ferguson
Legend of ZZL
- Messages
- 5,928
I couldn't be in a relationship where there was no intimacy. Even if you still love each other, to me it would be no different than the love you have for a friend or family member, and that's not the same type of love a marriage should have.
I knew I was not marriage material. Not necessarily due to the usual sins. My own particular brand. I think it was the right decision. However, there are things I regret missing. Dutch ovens for one. I will tell you who has no regrets. The woman who might have had the misfortune of marrying me. Whoever you are. You're welcome.
lawtig02
Legend of ZZL
- Messages
- 5,971
That checks out.
Can I use dutch ovens to make my kid stay in his own bed longer weekend morning?
Lack of intimacy lead to the counseling - age early 40's at that time. The counselor was great, but we should've just ended it back then.
An awesome dog is probably what really kept us together and the dog passed away 2 yrs ago. Maybe it isn't the onslaught of unfun compromising required by parenting that broke us, but rather the pup's passing
- Messages
- 527
Seriously, get divorced. It's not worth it. Kids are resiliant and intuitive if nothing else and they'll know. Being raised by two miserable parents together is worse than being shuffled between houses where the parents are in happy relationships. It helps when the parents are actual adults and don't use the kids as pawns but that's a different topic.
Seriousy...if you're not happy then just get the divorce.
Seriousy...if you're not happy then just get the divorce.
- Messages
- 4,274
I was married 33 years I think
We raised three kids together For about 13 years she stayed at home-(harder work than mine) and I went to the job . Very traditional.
Once the kids were fully out of college-not moving in again-it was just the two of us. She reupped her teaching career,went and got a couple of relavant Masters degrees---but it just never clicked well for her-and she was a hell of a dedicated teacher.She never fit in to the new way of teaching (Leave every Child behind etc )
And so for happiness all she had was me-no more kids-not a job she liked
Well that was not enough for her
I get it
We raised three kids together For about 13 years she stayed at home-(harder work than mine) and I went to the job . Very traditional.
Once the kids were fully out of college-not moving in again-it was just the two of us. She reupped her teaching career,went and got a couple of relavant Masters degrees---but it just never clicked well for her-and she was a hell of a dedicated teacher.She never fit in to the new way of teaching (Leave every Child behind etc )
And so for happiness all she had was me-no more kids-not a job she liked
Well that was not enough for her
I get it
Turd Ferguson
Legend of ZZL
- Messages
- 5,928
My mom and dad probably should have gotten a divorce years ago. They're in their 70s now and been married 60 years. Got married when they were 18. I think they still love each other but stopped liking each other a long time ago. Unfortunately, I think that happens with most marriages, even with people that don't get divorced. I don't think most people really end up with the person that's the best fit for them.
Depends. Can you ventrilofart? Kids love farts.
One wrinkle is that my kid is mildly autistic (level 1, so fewer needs than many kids). I've actually read that a child with ASD can strengthen partnership or bond in parents because they "rally" behind the needs of their kid. Same book said that divorce rate was higher among parents of ASD kids due to stressors though.
- Messages
- 527
The best interest of the children in matters of a divorce is - or should be - the parents' first priority, regardless of disabilities. Full stop. It gets complicated once you add special needs into the equation. Much of the time the parents don't want to be in the marriage/relationship even before they find out the kid has special needs but then feel trapped when they realize they can't both single parent a special needs child AND work so they sacrifice their wants/needs for that of the child.
The above, IMO, is more likely what you will see/hear/read when researching marital relationships and special needs children. In fact, very rarely will a relationship that is already on unstable foundations be magically saved by the common goal of even raising a child without special needs and when adding in the extra stress of raising a child with special needs...yeah, it's more of a rock/hard place situation.
Anecdotally, of the few couples who I know have special needs kids - 1 has/have already divorced and are single parents (1 parent has remarried) 1 is still married but resent each other for various reasons but their kid - now an adult - is so severely autistic that he cannot be left alone...ever and too strong for the mom to physically stop him from harming himself or others. The dad has on several occasions had to come home from work to stop his son from basically destroying the house... it's scary AF.
Of the ones that have divorced, in general, they are happier and their own less contentious household has improved the lives of everyone, including the special needs kids.
The one couple that are still married (above) both feel stuck and are only together bc the husband's health insurance is phenomenal and because the mom can barely handle the son.
If your kid isn't too far on the spectrum and will likely be able to live a relatively normal life without the need to be in a group home once you're unable to care for them, my advice above still stands. Don't stay together for the kid. If you and your wife can come to an reasonable understanding of how to care for your child, the best thing you can do for them and yourself is to be happy, and that's not gonna happen staying with someone you're not happy to be with.
4thgenheel
Iconic Member
- Messages
- 2,120
you know what you need to do. staying in an unhappy marriage isn't the ticket to happiness for either of you or your child. much better to go ahead and split amicably and agreeably rather than letting your misery fester and grow which will absolutely end up affecting your kid. you can co-parent whilst leading happy lives.