Hurting people you love

"Other than that, all you can do is be forthright with the other person...."

I read fortnite in that sentence and had to stop and read it again.
 
So i had the discussion. Some yelling on her part. I deserve that.

So the situation is that I broke up with my girlfriend of seven years. We are not young so I think that makes it more significant. She thanked me for waisting seven years of her life. I deserved it.

The thing is that I love her but she is not the one. We had a good relationship living apart but I know we would not have been good living together. I have known that for a long time. I should have done this sooner but we were happy where we were.

I have never done this in a long term relationship. I have been divorced twice but there was strong reasons. In some ways this is harder.

I know this is something that happens to everyone. That is why I asked but unfortunately couldn’t give enough details.

What triggered this is that I had reconnected with a person I dated in the early ‘90s. We’ve talked, written, and texted each other over the years, sometimes lot but recently not for over a decade. She was a Facebook friend and then she wasn’t. I assumed I did something to upset her but last week sent her a text to inquire on her and her husband a kids. She was divorced - one child became an alcoholic and drove them apart.

Talking to her brought out the 20 year old version of myself, the one that wasn’t yet hardened by life. I was madly in love with her and she me. We each thought the other broke up with us. Neither ever got over it.

At one point she said that we have always been the right people at the wrong time. I responded that maybe someday we can be the right people at the right time. Then I realized how revealing that statement was. I also realized that this is one thing I don’t want to be regretting on my deathbed.

I have tried to do this the right way. I think I failed but I tried.

It just sucks being a major asshole.

As for the future, this person lives in Denver. It is a huge leap of faith but one I just had to take. We’ve spent 30 years wanted to get back together. If it fails, we have the closure we were denied. In either case, I ended a relationship that had gone as far as it could. In the past I would have not have done that and that only leads to more pain.

Should have done it years ago. I failed.
 
rodoheel said:
This is an issue I have frequently as well - not just dealing with complicated emotional situations like the OP's but also just with work and life tasks.
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The burden of high achieving. You are high achieving in part because you have neurosis and then the high achieving offers more opportunities for neurosis!
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
So i had the discussion. Some yelling on her part. I deserve that.

So the situation is that I broke up with my girlfriend of seven years. We are not young so I think that makes it more significant. She thanked me for waisting seven years of her life. I deserved it.

The thing is that I love her but she is not the one. We had a good relationship living apart but I know we would not have been good living together. I have known that for a long time. I should have done this sooner but we were happy where we were.

I have never done this in a long term relationship. I have been divorced twice but there was strong reasons. In some ways this is harder.

I know this is something that happens to everyone. That is why I asked but unfortunately couldn’t give enough details.

What triggered this is that I had reconnected with a person I dated in the early ‘90s. We’ve talked, written, and texted each other over the years, sometimes lot but recently not for over a decade. She was a Facebook friend and then she wasn’t. I assumed I did something to upset her but last week sent her a text to inquire on her and her husband a kids. She was divorced - one child became an alcoholic and drove them apart.

Talking to her brought out the 20 year old version of myself, the one that wasn’t yet hardened by life. I was madly in love with her and she me. We each thought the other broke up with us. Neither ever got over it.

At one point she said that we have always been the right people at the wrong time. I responded that maybe someday we can be the right people at the right time. Then I realized how revealing that statement was. I also realized that this is one thing I don’t want to be regretting on my deathbed.

I have tried to do this the right way. I think I failed but I tried.

It just sucks being a major asshole.

As for the future, this person lives in Denver. It is a huge leap of faith but one I just had to take. We’ve spent 30 years wanted to get back together. If it fails, we have the closure we were denied. In either case, I ended a relationship that had gone as far as it could. In the past I would have not have done that and that only leads to more pain.

Should have done it years ago. I failed.
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Brave step. I hope it works. If the relationship you were in really wasn't working and wasn't going to, better now. Both of you might have time to do better. Good luck to her, too.
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
So i had the discussion. Some yelling on her part. I deserve that.

So the situation is that I broke up with my girlfriend of seven years. We are not young so I think that makes it more significant. She thanked me for waisting seven years of her life. I deserved it.

The thing is that I love her but she is not the one. We had a good relationship living apart but I know we would not have been good living together. I have known that for a long time. I should have done this sooner but we were happy where we were.

I have never done this in a long term relationship. I have been divorced twice but there was strong reasons. In some ways this is harder.

I know this is something that happens to everyone. That is why I asked but unfortunately couldn’t give enough details.

What triggered this is that I had reconnected with a person I dated in the early ‘90s. We’ve talked, written, and texted each other over the years, sometimes lot but recently not for over a decade. She was a Facebook friend and then she wasn’t. I assumed I did something to upset her but last week sent her a text to inquire on her and her husband a kids. She was divorced - one child became an alcoholic and drove them apart.

Talking to her brought out the 20 year old version of myself, the one that wasn’t yet hardened by life. I was madly in love with her and she me. We each thought the other broke up with us. Neither ever got over it.

At one point she said that we have always been the right people at the wrong time. I responded that maybe someday we can be the right people at the right time. Then I realized how revealing that statement was. I also realized that this is one thing I don’t want to be regretting on my deathbed.

I have tried to do this the right way. I think I failed but I tried.

It just sucks being a major asshole.

As for the future, this person lives in Denver. It is a huge leap of faith but one I just had to take. We’ve spent 30 years wanted to get back together. If it fails, we have the closure we were denied. In either case, I ended a relationship that had gone as far as it could. In the past I would have not have done that and that only leads to more pain.

Should have done it years ago. I failed.
Click to expand...
Yep my father’s old saying was “Fear knocked on the door….
Courage answered and nobody was there!”
We all delay joy to remain in our fear of change. You got the courage and hopefully you’ll get what you want or maybe something better!
 
I had a hunch that this is what was going on. I've been on the other end of this equation and I'm very glad (in hindsight) that the relationship did not work out. She'll be mad and very hurt, possibly for a while. There's no way to break up with someone and not hurt their feelings, though you can still attempt to be as kind as possible.

She deserves to be with someone who is 100% invested in the relationship and wholeheartedly wants to be there. Hopefully you have just now given her the freedom to find that person.
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
I have tried to do this the right way. I think I failed but I tried.
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You didn't fail. There's no "right way" as you are using the term. You are telling someone, "I prefer someone else to you." There's no getting around that message, no way of saying it that will make it innocuous. She has no right to expect you to live in an odd semi-relationship state; that's the thing about relationships like that -- they have upsides but carry a risk of impermanence. That was a term in your implicit agreement, whether she knew it or not.

If she wants a full time relationship then she's probably better off without you, so she can find the right person. And if she was happy with it as it was, well, like I said she's assuming the risk. And she can probably find it without too much trouble.
 
NYCBlueBlood said:
I've also found that we tend to build things up bigger than they actually are when we keep them trapped in our own minds. Things I thought would be a bomb for somebody else that I agonized over... have wound up being received with relief on more than one occasion.
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Read my signature line.
 
SmilingJack said:
Yep my father’s old saying was “Fear knocked on the door….
Courage answered and nobody was there!”
We all delay joy to remain in our fear of change. You got the courage and hopefully you’ll get what you want or maybe something better!
Click to expand...
Wow. So true. I fear being alone and stay in a situation that I, daily, realize I shouldn't be in. I'm getting to where I just want the divorce so I can move on. But we have agreed to divorce at the end of the year and work on spraying things between now and then.

Oh well. And to top it off, I believe I'm going to get fucked at work too. Of course I mean harder than I'm currently am being fucked.

Anxiety keeps me awake every night. I'm exhausted and can't sleep. I feel like I'm on the edge and the slightest thing brings a wave of sadness.
 
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ChapelHillSooner said:
So i had the discussion. Some yelling on her part. I deserve that.

So the situation is that I broke up with my girlfriend of seven years. We are not young so I think that makes it more significant. She thanked me for waisting seven years of her life. I deserved it.

The thing is that I love her but she is not the one. We had a good relationship living apart but I know we would not have been good living together. I have known that for a long time. I should have done this sooner but we were happy where we were.

I have never done this in a long term relationship. I have been divorced twice but there was strong reasons. In some ways this is harder.

I know this is something that happens to everyone. That is why I asked but unfortunately couldn’t give enough details.

What triggered this is that I had reconnected with a person I dated in the early ‘90s. We’ve talked, written, and texted each other over the years, sometimes lot but recently not for over a decade. She was a Facebook friend and then she wasn’t. I assumed I did something to upset her but last week sent her a text to inquire on her and her husband a kids. She was divorced - one child became an alcoholic and drove them apart.

Talking to her brought out the 20 year old version of myself, the one that wasn’t yet hardened by life. I was madly in love with her and she me. We each thought the other broke up with us. Neither ever got over it.

At one point she said that we have always been the right people at the wrong time. I responded that maybe someday we can be the right people at the right time. Then I realized how revealing that statement was. I also realized that this is one thing I don’t want to be regretting on my deathbed.

I have tried to do this the right way. I think I failed but I tried.

It just sucks being a major asshole.

As for the future, this person lives in Denver. It is a huge leap of faith but one I just had to take. We’ve spent 30 years wanted to get back together. If it fails, we have the closure we were denied. In either case, I ended a relationship that had gone as far as it could. In the past I would have not have done that and that only leads to more pain.

Should have done it years ago. I failed.
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Just seeing this now... so late to the party. But a few thoughts. I agree with super, you did not fail her. And honestly, you're not even an ass for moving on. If anything, you've done both of you a favor... though it won't feel that way to her any time soon, if ever.

I've been stuck in limbo relationships more than once... where things are good enough not to have an excuse to end them, but there is not enough there to take it any further. It's easy to get trapped in this sort of situation, not wanting to be the "bad guy" in the breakup. My therapist likes to say humans almost never leave something for nothing... meaning that having something to move to is what finally gave you the reason you needed to do what you know you should have done long ago.

Staying in a relationship because it's not bad enough to end it is soul crushing. She's hurt because you moved on first. That's normal. But you were not doing her any favors by staying with her indefinitely with no interest in moving forward. Worst case scenario is that you would have eventually just given in and married her... giving up on finding an escape route. Trust me, I've done that before... she walked out on me 8 months later after she had been the one pressuring for us to finally marry.

I would however caution rushing and moving across the country to finally be with your renewed love. I apologize if this is cynical, but as somebody who has made every mistake possible in the marriage/ relationship game (many more than once), I think there are few people better qualified to opine. There is a euphoria of finally getting free of something that was starting to crush your soul... and it's easy to tie that euphoria to the person who helped you unlock it.

It may be that she's the one, but it also may very well be that she's the one who helped you escape one bad situation... and then led you to jump straight into another one. Right now you're in the honeymoon stage... everything seems great. Personally I'd wait at least 6 months before you take any real action... preferably at least a year.
 
i didn't see this thread until now but knew it was about ending a romantic relationship even without seeing OP's update.

don't be too hard on yourself, OP. not every love is meant to be forever, sometimes they run their course. and that's okay.

you can love someone without being IN love with them and if you want to be IN love with your partner, leaving someone who you love but aren't IN love with is perfectly reasonable and understandable.
 
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