Hurting people you love

"Other than that, all you can do is be forthright with the other person...."

I read fortnite in that sentence and had to stop and read it again.
 
So i had the discussion. Some yelling on her part. I deserve that.

So the situation is that I broke up with my girlfriend of seven years. We are not young so I think that makes it more significant. She thanked me for waisting seven years of her life. I deserved it.

The thing is that I love her but she is not the one. We had a good relationship living apart but I know we would not have been good living together. I have known that for a long time. I should have done this sooner but we were happy where we were.

I have never done this in a long term relationship. I have been divorced twice but there was strong reasons. In some ways this is harder.

I know this is something that happens to everyone. That is why I asked but unfortunately couldn’t give enough details.

What triggered this is that I had reconnected with a person I dated in the early ‘90s. We’ve talked, written, and texted each other over the years, sometimes lot but recently not for over a decade. She was a Facebook friend and then she wasn’t. I assumed I did something to upset her but last week sent her a text to inquire on her and her husband a kids. She was divorced - one child became an alcoholic and drove them apart.

Talking to her brought out the 20 year old version of myself, the one that wasn’t yet hardened by life. I was madly in love with her and she me. We each thought the other broke up with us. Neither ever got over it.

At one point she said that we have always been the right people at the wrong time. I responded that maybe someday we can be the right people at the right time. Then I realized how revealing that statement was. I also realized that this is one thing I don’t want to be regretting on my deathbed.

I have tried to do this the right way. I think I failed but I tried.

It just sucks being a major asshole.

As for the future, this person lives in Denver. It is a huge leap of faith but one I just had to take. We’ve spent 30 years wanted to get back together. If it fails, we have the closure we were denied. In either case, I ended a relationship that had gone as far as it could. In the past I would have not have done that and that only leads to more pain.

Should have done it years ago. I failed.
 
rodoheel said:
This is an issue I have frequently as well - not just dealing with complicated emotional situations like the OP's but also just with work and life tasks.
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The burden of high achieving. You are high achieving in part because you have neurosis and then the high achieving offers more opportunities for neurosis!
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
So i had the discussion. Some yelling on her part. I deserve that.

So the situation is that I broke up with my girlfriend of seven years. We are not young so I think that makes it more significant. She thanked me for waisting seven years of her life. I deserved it.

The thing is that I love her but she is not the one. We had a good relationship living apart but I know we would not have been good living together. I have known that for a long time. I should have done this sooner but we were happy where we were.

I have never done this in a long term relationship. I have been divorced twice but there was strong reasons. In some ways this is harder.

I know this is something that happens to everyone. That is why I asked but unfortunately couldn’t give enough details.

What triggered this is that I had reconnected with a person I dated in the early ‘90s. We’ve talked, written, and texted each other over the years, sometimes lot but recently not for over a decade. She was a Facebook friend and then she wasn’t. I assumed I did something to upset her but last week sent her a text to inquire on her and her husband a kids. She was divorced - one child became an alcoholic and drove them apart.

Talking to her brought out the 20 year old version of myself, the one that wasn’t yet hardened by life. I was madly in love with her and she me. We each thought the other broke up with us. Neither ever got over it.

At one point she said that we have always been the right people at the wrong time. I responded that maybe someday we can be the right people at the right time. Then I realized how revealing that statement was. I also realized that this is one thing I don’t want to be regretting on my deathbed.

I have tried to do this the right way. I think I failed but I tried.

It just sucks being a major asshole.

As for the future, this person lives in Denver. It is a huge leap of faith but one I just had to take. We’ve spent 30 years wanted to get back together. If it fails, we have the closure we were denied. In either case, I ended a relationship that had gone as far as it could. In the past I would have not have done that and that only leads to more pain.

Should have done it years ago. I failed.
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Brave step. I hope it works. If the relationship you were in really wasn't working and wasn't going to, better now. Both of you might have time to do better. Good luck to her, too.
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
So i had the discussion. Some yelling on her part. I deserve that.

So the situation is that I broke up with my girlfriend of seven years. We are not young so I think that makes it more significant. She thanked me for waisting seven years of her life. I deserved it.

The thing is that I love her but she is not the one. We had a good relationship living apart but I know we would not have been good living together. I have known that for a long time. I should have done this sooner but we were happy where we were.

I have never done this in a long term relationship. I have been divorced twice but there was strong reasons. In some ways this is harder.

I know this is something that happens to everyone. That is why I asked but unfortunately couldn’t give enough details.

What triggered this is that I had reconnected with a person I dated in the early ‘90s. We’ve talked, written, and texted each other over the years, sometimes lot but recently not for over a decade. She was a Facebook friend and then she wasn’t. I assumed I did something to upset her but last week sent her a text to inquire on her and her husband a kids. She was divorced - one child became an alcoholic and drove them apart.

Talking to her brought out the 20 year old version of myself, the one that wasn’t yet hardened by life. I was madly in love with her and she me. We each thought the other broke up with us. Neither ever got over it.

At one point she said that we have always been the right people at the wrong time. I responded that maybe someday we can be the right people at the right time. Then I realized how revealing that statement was. I also realized that this is one thing I don’t want to be regretting on my deathbed.

I have tried to do this the right way. I think I failed but I tried.

It just sucks being a major asshole.

As for the future, this person lives in Denver. It is a huge leap of faith but one I just had to take. We’ve spent 30 years wanted to get back together. If it fails, we have the closure we were denied. In either case, I ended a relationship that had gone as far as it could. In the past I would have not have done that and that only leads to more pain.

Should have done it years ago. I failed.
Click to expand...
Yep my father’s old saying was “Fear knocked on the door….
Courage answered and nobody was there!”
We all delay joy to remain in our fear of change. You got the courage and hopefully you’ll get what you want or maybe something better!
 
I had a hunch that this is what was going on. I've been on the other end of this equation and I'm very glad (in hindsight) that the relationship did not work out. She'll be mad and very hurt, possibly for a while. There's no way to break up with someone and not hurt their feelings, though you can still attempt to be as kind as possible.

She deserves to be with someone who is 100% invested in the relationship and wholeheartedly wants to be there. Hopefully you have just now given her the freedom to find that person.
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
I have tried to do this the right way. I think I failed but I tried.
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You didn't fail. There's no "right way" as you are using the term. You are telling someone, "I prefer someone else to you." There's no getting around that message, no way of saying it that will make it innocuous. She has no right to expect you to live in an odd semi-relationship state; that's the thing about relationships like that -- they have upsides but carry a risk of impermanence. That was a term in your implicit agreement, whether she knew it or not.

If she wants a full time relationship then she's probably better off without you, so she can find the right person. And if she was happy with it as it was, well, like I said she's assuming the risk. And she can probably find it without too much trouble.
 
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