Hurting people you love

ChapelHillSooner

ChapelHillSooner

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So I don’t want to go into details here so I am going to to beat around the bush a lot.

I have made the decision in the last week that I will have to hurt someone I really care for. In my life I have avoided doing those things and lived ti regret it.

This is something that I just feel like I had to do or it will be the one thing I will regret on my death bed. And that doesn’t have anything to do with the person I have to hurt.

This is causing me extreme emotional distress. It is to the point where I think it is very harmful to my health. It is like when I bought options last year, made a little money, but paid a health price. Multiply that by ten and that is how I feel.

I have done what I am going to do but never in a situation like this.

You can probably fill in the blanks but please don’t. I can’t discuss it. At least not until what has to be done is done.

My question, I guess, is how do people do this?

I am really scared that someone may know who I am and know what I am talking about. Chapel Hill / UNC is not a metropolis. But I need guidance on how you did this. Anyone needing specifics we can have a direct conversation. I may see it.
 
CFordUNC said:
Man, I've got absolutely nothing substantive to add other than just wanted to say, we love you, we're pulling for you, we're here for you in whatever way you might need, and that you are a wonderful person with a good heart.
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Thank you. Sometimes sociopaths have it easy.

But even short of that, there are dickish things people do to make it easier. Hell I have had it done to me. But those are wrong.
 
Peace to you and hope things work out as best they can.

I know folks on here are against most things with religion, so I'll offer music.



We can acknowledge pain, loneliness and difficulty but still hold onto the conviction that hope exists. Sometimes we have to find that "melody alone", but I think it's always there like the sunrise.

Peace to you.
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
So I don’t want to go into details here so I am going to to beat around the bush a lot.

I have made the decision in the last week that I will have to hurt someone I really care for. In my life I have avoided doing those things and lived ti regret it.

This is something that I just feel like I had to do or it will be the one thing I will regret on my death bed. And that doesn’t have anything to do with the person I have to hurt.

This is causing me extreme emotional distress. It is to the point where I think it is very harmful to my health. It is like when I bought options last year, made a little money, but paid a health price. Multiply that by ten and that is how I feel.

I have done what I am going to do but never in a situation like this.

You can probably fill in the blanks but please don’t. I can’t discuss it. At least not until what has to be done is done.

My question, I guess, is how do people do this?

I am really scared that someone may know who I am and know what I am talking about. Chapel Hill / UNC is not a metropolis. But I need guidance on how you did this. Anyone needing specifics we can have a direct conversation. I may see it.
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Someone here may know you? Or someone you know in the community might see it?

There is no answer to that question: how do people do this. If you don't know the answer yourself, then words aren't going to help you. There's no magic formula. I don't know what you're talking about, but as a general matter, if you have trouble doing something that you suspect lots of people do routinely, I don't think there's any point in asking how.

I think the better questions are: let me think whether I *really* need to do this (which you probably have considered many times so it might not apply in this situation, though personally I rarely see harm in thinking about other options even if I'm pretty sure there aren't any); or what is keeping me from doing this; and if those don't produce answers, see a therapist. I don't mean that in a pejorative way at all.
 
What would it be like to belly up to a bar with you five…wtf are any of you talking about and wtf are you? “Hey bartender can you turn it to This Is Us?”

Shoulda taken all the money you could afford to lose and bought WOLF call options.
 
There's an informal therapy phrase that has become increasingly popular and that some folks find helpful in situations like yours.

"You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."

There are times where we find ourselves in situations where there is no choice that doesn't hurt someone. We know that the choice we want to make will hurt someone else, but we also know that making a different choice will hurt us even more. And so we make the difficult choice that benefits us because the only other option is to hurt ourselves in an unacceptable way.

Good people, when faced with such a situation, often feel like they can't make the choice that hurts the other person and have to take the pain themselves. But the above phrase helps us realize that there are times you have to protect yourself and put yourself first even if that does cause some pain for another person. It speaks well of you that you feel so much concern over making that kind of choice.

Other than that, all you can do is be forthright with the other person and, insofar as you can, let them know you recognize the pain your choice causes and that you wish it didn't hurt them the way it does. But you can reassure yourself that you don't have to take on even greater pain to allow that person to avoid the pain they'll feel, that it is not solely your job to take on any and all pain so that others don't have to feel any.
 
I have no idea what is going on. But it seems to me that you have taken a positive first step by not trying to rationalize your actions as being in the long term "best interest" of someone other than yourself. The whole "I know this is going to hurt, but you will be better off because, [whatever bullshit rational you have convinced yourself of]" really is the worst possible option. At a bare minimum, you are at least showing the simple common decency to the person being hurt by not claiming that this is all in his or her best interest. Sometimes we find ourselves in a genuine "no win" or "lose - lose" situation. The worst possible thing in that situation is to try to blow sunshine up the ass of the person you are hurting. Or in the words of Fletcher in the movie The Outlaw Josey Wales, "Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining."
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
"You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."

That is an amazing quote and too often I have done the former.
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With nothing to go on, I'm guessing you have been involved with someone who is fragile and needy and you care deeply about them. My guess is you have done your best to protect them and meet those needs for quite some time.

My guess is your attempts to be there for them has not been enough and you are realizing that your well intentioned efforts will never be enough to meet those needs, and you feel some guilt for not being enough but also recognize you have suffered a significant toll on your health and well being for making those efforts.

How is that for a wild speculation ?

But whatever is the case, I suggest you grieve the loss but resist the impulse to punish yourself with regret for doing what is best for you.

If I am so far off the reservation, please give me a thumbs down that I will most certainly deserve.
 
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heelinhell said:
With nothing to go on, I'm guessing you have been involved with someone who is fragile and needy and you care deeply about them. My guess is you have done your best to protect them and meet those needs for quite some time.

My guess is your attempts to be there for them has not been enough and you are realizing that your well intentioned efforts will never be enough to meet those needs, and you feel some guilt for not being enough but also recognize you have suffered a significant toll on your health and well being for making those efforts.

How is that for a wild speculation ?

But whatever is the case, I suggest you grieve the loss but resist the impulse to punish yourself with regret for doing what is best for you.

If I am so far off the reservation, please give me a thumbs down that I will most certainly deserve.
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I don't want to say until it is done. I will say, the person is not at fault in any way.
 
ChapelHillSooner said:
I don't want to say until it is done. I will say, the person is not at fault in any way.
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It's hard to know what to say without knowing more... but I fully respect and understand why you need to deal with things first before speaking openly here.

Generally speaking, staying in a situation that makes you miserable because you are afraid it may hurt somebody else to change things... is rarely a path that makes anybody happy. In my experience, the quicker you rip off the band aid, the sooner people can move on with their new path and find new happiness... quick but compassionate is my advice.

But also firm and resolute. Waffling about your decision leads to false hope, which only makes things worse.
 
I've also found that we tend to build things up bigger than they actually are when we keep them trapped in our own minds. Things I thought would be a bomb for somebody else that I agonized over... have wound up being received with relief on more than one occasion.
 
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