Mental health...

[UNCatTech]

43 years with my wife the last 2 we’ve been doing this LAT (living alone together) thing and it’s been a great break for us. There’s no third parties involved but we just needed a break from our routine of 4 decades.
Come to find out that this LAT is a popular thing with us older folks. As Studs Terkel said “Tough times don’t last but tough people do!”
Of course all relationships are hard especially the longest ones. That said my buddy who lives on the Haw River always said “If you can’t get along then move along. Life is really to short!”
Good luck with your journey and I will keep you in my thoughts.

How does that work? You also in different beds but go on dates like before marriage?

 

[SnoopRob]

Where does one find hope in a hopeless situation? When you know that what you want has no possibility of being reality?

Man, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. That is a hard, hard place.

I don't think there's anything that anyone here (or anywhere else) can say to make it better, but here are some things I know that help...

- If you can afford a good therapist, get/stay in(to) therapy. Go every week (or even 2x per week) if you have to until you get through the worst of it. Having somewhere you can say all the worst things bouncing around in your head where things stay confidential (and the person knows how to handle those thoughts) is a great help.

- If you have a particular faith/belief background that works for you, lean into it to try to make sense of what is happening. Faith/beliefs tend to be bigger than our circumstances and they help us to see something of a bigger picture.

- Find & go to friends who can listen to you and who will be there for you when things are bad. They may not be able to make it better, but being able to express your thoughts/feelings to others and not bearing them alone can be transformative.

- Know the things that bring you happiness and lean into them. It can be big things like traveling to a favorite spot or somewhere you've always wanted to go or it can be simply taking the time to get your favorite breakfast from your favorite restaurant. Whatever it is, do the things that bring you happiness and do them enough that they help you through the worst times.

- Figure out what a new reality given the new inputs would look like and figure out how to make that new reality as good for you as possible. (Therapy is a great place for this.) It won't make the journey into that new reality better, per se, but it will slowly help you understand that the new reality can be good.

- Hope is a odd thing. You can find it in places you didn't expect and you can create it in ways you weren't aware. Don't underestimate your own ability to find/create hope for the future and seek it out when you find/create it.

Again, man, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. My wish for you is that you figure out a way through this period to something better on the other side.

 

[SmilingJack]

How does that work? You also in different beds but go on dates like before marriage?

Yep we travel together and share beds in town and out. Biggest difference is the underlying anger from familiarity has dissipated and I know my tolerance and respect has increased. Typically with men it’s our anger and lack of control that do us in. Breaking the cycle of toxic masculinity ain’t for weaklings!

 

[UNCatTech]

Yep we travel together and share beds in town and out. Biggest difference is the underlying anger from familiarity has dissipated and I know my tolerance and respect has increased. Typically with men it’s our anger and lack of control that do us in. Breaking the cycle of toxic masculinity ain’t for weaklings!

I feel like I've spent 30 years solely focused on making her happy and putting our family first. I thought we had everything and that we could get through anything, until presented with something I can't fix or change or make it better.
The thing with my wife and I is we can now only do those things as friends not a couple giving each other space.

It inevitably points to her finding a woman to spend the rest of her life with, while I lose the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

We've got to figure out something and I'm sure we will, but there's no possibility of me having the wife I thought I would have forever.

And work sucks right now, which doesn't help.

 

[UNCatTech]

This has nothing to do with religion because I'm an agnostic... however I've always felt that sometimes the strongest of us, more often than not, wind up shouldering the heaviest burdens. Not because we have to but because we can. There is strength in you that you don't even know you have.

You're loved, thought about and valued more than you realize. Not just here, but by the people who matter the most. Remember that.

Thank you. I've never felt that i was strong. I just have a willingness to work through issues and do everything i can to support my family. I've always felt that was something a father and a husband did, I don't see myself as being strong or special for doing what I believe is right.

But I do thank you for the kind thoughts, I need a little of that right now.

 

[SmilingJack]

I feel like I've spent 30 years solely focused on making her happy and putting our family first. I thought we had everything and that we could get through anything, until presented with something I can't fix or change or make it better.
The thing with my wife and I is we can now only do those things as friends not a couple giving each other space.

It inevitably points to her finding a woman to spend the rest of her life with, while I lose the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

We've got to figure out something and I'm sure we will, but there's no possibility of me having the wife I thought I would have forever.

And work sucks right now, which doesn't help.

All the giving which I am familiar with is inconsequential the truth is that it creates animosity and a sense of entitlement/equity that doesn’t exist. You feel your contribution is more than enough but it isn’t. Giving is supposed to mean you want nothing in return. When you realize all the quid pro quo’s are bullshit then you look inwards. Deep but true.

 

[dukeman92]

Thank you. I've never felt that i was strong. I just have a willingness to work through issues and do everything i can to support my family. I've always felt that was something a father and a husband did, I don't see myself as being strong or special for doing what I believe is right.

But I do thank you for the kind thoughts, I need a little of that right now.

It takes strength to do what’s right

 

[wmheel1287]

It takes strength to do what’s right

Damned right it does. It particularly takes strength to do that when you feel it isn't "enough".

 

[UNCatTech]

All the giving which I am familiar with is inconsequential the truth is that it creates animosity and a sense of entitlement/equity that doesn’t exist. You feel your contribution is more than enough but it isn’t. Giving is supposed to mean you want nothing in return. When you realize all the quid pro quo’s are bullshit then you look inwards. Deep but true.

I never did anything with the thought that I was owed anything. But I guess I did have the thought that we would be together forever.

We really get along well. Not perfect but nothing that would lead us to separate or divorce. And I still do not want that, but I don't know where life takes us now.

 

[SmilingJack]

I never did anything with the thought that I was owed anything. But I guess I did have the thought that we would be together forever.

We really get along well. Not perfect but nothing that would lead us to separate or divorce. And I still do not want that, but I don't know where life takes us now.

It will take you where you belong and if I can believe it so can you. Be kind to yourself and don’t be discouraged. You just need to find the original spark and if not you need to know that too.

 

[UNCatTech]

It will take you where you belong and if I can believe it so can you. Be kind to yourself and don’t be discouraged. You just need to find the original spark and if not you need to know that too.

I can't sleep.

I've been thinking about your statement. You are right, is completely not transactional. I made my choices to give and it wasn't too get anything in return it's because I love her and I love my family.

I'm just scared. But I still want her to be happy, I'm scared because her happiness is going to take her to a different place. I have to figure things out because no matter what I want her in my life, even if it can only be a a friend.

And my kids need us both and I want to be an example too my kids. I don't want them to see a selfish person who can't grow and can't understand her perspective.

It's just hard now because I'm scared of the unknown future. I'll figure it out because it's important.