OGtruthhurts on tough love & parenting

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This post by @OGtruthhurts was made in a different thread, I am moving it to a stand-alone thread because I thought the other thread was not the right spot.

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OGtruthhurts said:
just pure luck and thankful my parents didnt try to be my friend or didnt put me in time out or didnt try to love me to death. it was tough love and real life perspective 24/7.....no fake societal bs. there was no babying us at anytime of our childhoods or trying not to hurt our feelings. there was no life is a fairytale garbage. there was no 'we are special' emotional bs. religions and 'psychiatry'' were nothing more than just two of many emotionally crippling tools that were fed to poor parents to help make parenting easier.

poor parenting has severe consequences....for generations. something potential young parents are not capable to foresee bc of this fucked up 'fairytale' americana bubble they are conditioned into.

of course this will hurt feelings, but i dont baby anyone for fucking up or for having the unluckiness of having had poor parenting. life is tough and randomly absurd. it doesnt matter what iq you were given or how much money you make or how much better our society has conditioned you to believe you are than someone else. You and your kids are absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things no matter how special you think you and they are.

life is fucking hard....you have two choices that you are in total control over. you can accept that you arent special and toughen the fuck up emotionally or look for our 'societal' easy ways out. hint: the easy ways out are complete failures seen right in front of your eyes.
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you not thinking it was the right spot is exactly proof of my points, but not unexpected or any offense taken at all. acceptance is hard when continually looking for an easy way out in life.
 
OGtruthhurts said:
you not thinking it was the right spot is exactly proof of my points, but not unexpected or any offense taken at all. acceptance is hard when continually looking for an easy way out in life.
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The biggest problem with what you're saying to me is that it sounds more like it's spoken from the POV of a trauma survivor than from conviction. I say that as someone who thinks you are largely correct. My kids and I are friends now since the youngest is almost 40 and you're underestimating some of the values of counseling but otherwise what you say doesn't bother me.
 
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I think the best way to be brought up is in a loving and caring household, where rules are clearly defined and strictly enforced. I think parents should talk about feelings. I think therapy is a good thing. I don't think religion helps or hurts.

But guess what, I was brought up in a loving/caring household, with strictly defined/ enforced rules, where we were encouraged to talk about our feelings and people who needed help spoke to a therapist. From this background I went from a small town public high school to an Ivy League college, and now am a global executive in a large IT consulting company.

So clearly my upbringing must be the right way, no?
 
The thing I always wonder about posters like OG... are they ***holes in their real life, or do they come here to let it out because they can't be one in real life, this causes great frustration... so they find somewhere else to let loose their inner ***hole.
 
With all due respect to both my mom and my late father, my goal is to parent pretty much the exact opposite way as them. I've got a 2 year old son and another one on the way at the end of this month so I think about this stuff often. I got my ass kicked growing up. I got beaten with a belt. I got household objects thrown at me. I got screamed at, yelled at, smacked in the head and face. Got my mouth washed out with literal soap. That cycle ends with me. I don't believe that hitting children, or yelling at them, or ranting and raving at them, or throwing things at them does anything other than yield a higher likelihood of breeding future violent, angry, insecure, hot-tempered, quick-triggered adults.
 
CFordUNC said:
With all due respect to both my mom and my late father, my goal is to parent pretty much the exact opposite way as them. I've got a 2 year old son and another one on the way at the end of this month so I think about this stuff often. I got my ass kicked growing up. I got beaten with a belt. I got household objects thrown at me. I got screamed at, yelled at, smacked in the head and face. Got my mouth washed out with literal soap. That cycle ends with me. I don't believe that hitting children, or yelling at them, or ranting and raving at them, or throwing things at them does anything other than yield a higher likelihood of breeding future violent, angry, insecure, hot-tempered, quick-triggered adults.
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Yep. While every family and every child is completely different, to me, it all comes down to helping your kids answer three questions:

1. Am I safe?
2. Do I matter?
3. Do I belong?

That's not a license for discipline-less or consequence-less parenting, but if you stay focused on helping your kids be able to answer all three of those questions with a "yes," you'll be 90% of the way there.
 
It appears OG did not actually want to discuss this topic... he just wanted to use it to hijack another thread...
 
Icky Mettle said:
Being a parent is the one thing at which strive my hardest to be perfect, yet constantly feel like I’m falling way short.
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I'm not sure where you are in the process, but I realized a while back that expecting perfection in parenting is a sure-fire recipe for self loathing. None of us were parented perfectly. None of us will parent perfectly. As we learn from our 12-step friends, we seek progress, not perfection. So I know you know this, but try not to expect too much of yourself, and be gracious to yourself when you get things wrong. As long as our kids feel safe, important and connected, they'll find their true selves, and that's all we're really trying to do.
 
My parents were strict but constantly loving (though saying those words didn't really come about until I started up with them as an adult -- they embraced it though). My father never hit me. My mother did a couple of times in frustration. They were good folks and I'm lucky to have come under their influence. Lots of other folks I was lucky to have been mentored by throughout life, especially during the early years, as well. I can't even count the number of times growing up that I said, "When I have kids I absolutely will not do THAT to/with them!" Now? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. My daughter is not me in myriad ways nor are the times and places where she matures anything like the ones in which I grew up.
 
lawtig02 said:
I'm not sure where you are in the process, but I realized a while back that expecting perfection in parenting is a sure-fire recipe for self loathing. None of us were parented perfectly. None of us will parent perfectly. As we learn from our 12-step friends, we seek progress, not perfection. So I know you know this, but try not to expect too much of yourself, and be gracious to yourself when you get things wrong. As long as our kids feel safe, important and connected, they'll find their true selves, and that's all we're really trying to do.
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Yeah, I know I cannot reach perfection, I just so want to get as close to it as possible while knowing that it doesn’t work that way. I have great kids who seem very happy in general, but I always feel like I could be doing more to help them grow.
 
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