OGtruthhurts on tough love & parenting

  • Thread starter Thread starter nycfan
  • Start date Start date
  • Replies: 122
  • Views: 2K
  • Off-Topic 
UNCatTech said:
My dad beat the shit out of me with a belt, then told me to stop crying and be quiet. Several times I really didn't know what I had done wrong.
Click to expand...
Yeah, my dad charged at me full speed and kicked me in the face over a basketball game. UNC was beating dook (my whole family are duke fans) and he got pissed off and charged in at me. I had a sofa cushion that I was sitting on (I was on the floor) and I managed to hide behind it so to speak, so the blow was only glancing and I merely fell over. If I didn't have the cushion, there was a good chance I would have been killed or at least severely brain damaged. I was 8 or 9
 
Icky Mettle said:
Being a parent is the one thing at which strive my hardest to be perfect, yet constantly feel like I’m falling way short.
Click to expand...

I've got a 2 1/2 year old son, so I'm learning about all this for the first time. I don't even try to be perfect, because I don't even know what perfection looks like. My dad was as close to perfect as I could ask for, but he had his flaws and blind spots too. I'm sure I've got mine.

Mostly I just try to be self aware and loving. My default is to be patient, forgiving, and tolerant, so I have to work on discipline, drawing boundaries, and communicating expectations. I've got a lot to learn, but damn am I enjoying the process. Little dude is just the light of my life, and I can't believe how lucky I am to get to be his daddy.
 
At various times, I had hands, switches , yardsticks and once my stepfather left bruises up and down my thighs with a piece of quarter round. (That was the last time for something like that. My mother, brother and uncle discussed things with him). I told them that conversation was a better approach. They never believed me and never found anything that worked to change my mind.
 
UNCatTech said:
My dad beat the shit out of me with a belt, then told me to stop crying and be quiet. Several times I really didn't know what I had done wrong.

Looking back i have more understanding of why but that doesn't change how it impacted my life. I know that my idiots faster came from a similar family structure. He also didn't get an opportunity to grow into adulthood at a normal pace since his dad died when he was 16. He had to quit school and support the family.
Click to expand...
Reading this hurts my heart, but it just makes me admire you even more than I have before being aware of your own family challenges that you have met with so much love and resolve
 
TarSpiel said:
Damn. That just breaks my heart.
Click to expand...
It was tough and it's a major contributing factor in many things I struggle with to this day.

But a I've grown older and maybe wiser, I better understand why he did those things.

The last time he spanked me it was for something I didn't do. When they figured out what happened and that I didn't do it, I believe he was genuinely remorseful and he only spanked me once more after that point. But even then he didn't apologize for the mistake.
 
superrific said:
Yeah, my dad charged at me full speed and kicked me in the face over a basketball game. UNC was beating dook (my whole family are duke fans) and he got pissed off and charged in at me. I had a sofa cushion that I was sitting on (I was on the floor) and I managed to hide behind it so to speak, so the blow was only glancing and I merely fell over. If I didn't have the cushion, there was a good chance I would have been killed or at least severely brain damaged. I was 8 or 9
Click to expand...
Mine did several unorthodox things like that. He once threw a cigarette at me and hit square on my Adam's apple. It created quite a burn.
 
gregh1 said:
Agreed. But now i'm asking myself if soap in my mouth had any negative repercussion on my relationships with friends, fam or the rest of the world.
I was spanked, instead of put into time-out of some other disciplinary approach. I'm obviously biased, but I also wonder if time-out vs spanking would've made me a different person. I'm not violent at all AND i won't be spanking my kid, but I don't have any problem with my parents using spanking as a last resort when I was misbehaving and not responding to their logic or demands.... at the time it felt fair or justified. Would time-out have left me feeling shunned or similar?
ETA: how you implement the actual discipline/consequence might be more important than the mechanism.
Click to expand...
There are no guarantees in life. My therapist likes to say Colic is for life... meaning we are all born with a temperament, and whatever our upbringing, that temperament will always be a shaping part of who we are.

There are babies who just sit there and smile all the time... and they generally turn into people with a happy, positive demeanor... and there are babies who constantly cry... and they generally turn into people who are never content with the world around them. Neither is necessarily better than the other... though non-colicky certainly tends to be easier for those around the baby/person.
 
UNCatTech said:
Exactly, punishment without explanation leads a child to question their self worth.

Someone mentioned religion, religion as with any outside influence is a variable.

My childhood and early adult years were greatly impacted by my parents and how they made it so clear that I was a mistake and ruined their lives. I swore to raise my kids differently and I did. But we still had our obstacles. BUT, my kids have always known that they are loved and actions that have consequences can be addresses, but those actions don't define them or make them bad people.
Click to expand...
I want to give this post a thumbs down... no, that's not right. I want to give your parents a thumbs down. How absolutely horrible of them.
 
NYCBlueBlood said:
There are no guarantees in life. My therapist likes to say Colic is for life... meaning we are all born with a temperament, and whatever our upbringing, that temperament will always be a shaping part of who we are.

There are babies who just sit there and smile all the time... and they generally turn into people with a happy, positive demeanor... and there are babies who constantly cry... and they generally turn into people who are never content with the world around them. Neither is necessarily better than the other... though non-colicky certainly tends to be easier for those around the baby/person.
Click to expand...
I believe this. My middle daughter seemed anxious when she was born and has been her entire life.
 
Last edited:
TarSpiel said:
I've got a 2 1/2 year old son, so I'm learning about all this for the first time. I don't even try to be perfect, because I don't even know what perfection looks like. My dad was as close to perfect as I could ask for, but he had his flaws and blind spots too. I'm sure I've got mine.

Mostly I just try to be self aware and loving. My default is to be patient, forgiving, and tolerant, so I have to work on discipline, drawing boundaries, and communicating expectations. I've got a lot to learn, but damn am I enjoying the process. Little dude is just the light of my life, and I can't believe how lucky I am to get to be his daddy.
Click to expand...
You are lucky ( or oblivious ? ) to be enjoying the "terrible twos" ;)

and yes, being patient, forgiving, and tolerant is a great default, but as the great ( not so great ? ) Mike Tyson said," Every one has a plan until they get punched in the mouth"

Be prepared to be punched in the mouth more than a few times in the coming years but try to remain true to the spirit of your default when you are sitting in the corner wishing your manager would toss the white towel into the ring
 
NYCBlueBlood said:
I want to give this post a thumbs down... no, that's not right. I want to give your parents a thumbs down. How absolutely horrible of them.
Click to expand...
I do sometimes too.

But considering their childhood it was mostly taught to them. Neither finished high school. My adopted father had to quit and support his family after his dad died. My mother was pregnant with me and had to drop out of school. Her parents told her that she was a mistake, She was the 5th child, and that they didn't want another child. She's 75 now and when talking you can tell she never delt with any of this trauma. She also had the trauma of my biological dad being murdered when I was 3 or 4. From what little I know he liked women a lot, Evan those he wasn't married to, and one of their husbands helped him put an end to it. But my knowledge of him is very piece meal.
 
NYCBlueBlood said:
I want to give this post a thumbs down... no, that's not right. I want to give your parents a thumbs down. How absolutely horrible of them.
Click to expand...

I had the exact same damn problem after reading his post, looking at the emojis and going "no, that's not right...that one's not right either"
 
An interesting note is that I'm the good kid, my brother is a real mess.

I really believe it's because when I left for college, I never returned.
 
My current girlfriend has a 14 year-old. I struggle sometimes on what to say/ not say to her about parenting. She's an absolutely loving mother, and her daughter clearly adores her... still tells her pretty much everything that happens.

But my GF has strong streak of tiger mom in her. Her daughter is ALWAYS either studying or doing some activity that will look good on college applications. The GF is constantly giving her grief for not being focused enough in her studies. She spends hours every day going over her daughter's homework and helping her prep for tests. And if the daughter doesn't do well on a test, she lets her have it (stern talking to... never lays a hand on her or even raises her voice).
 
There's no doubt that I'm the black sheep of the family. I'm really not sure if that was avoidable. I was a terrible fit for my life.
 
NYCBlueBlood said:
My current girlfriend has a 14 year-old. I struggle sometimes on what to say/ not say to her about parenting. She's an absolutely loving mother, and her daughter clearly adores her... still tells her pretty much everything that happens.

But my GF has strong streak of tiger mom in her. Her daughter is ALWAYS either studying or doing some activity that will look good on college applications. The GF is constantly giving her grief for not being focused enough in her studies. She spends hours every day going over her daughter's homework and helping her prep for tests. And if the daughter doesn't do well on a test, she lets her have it (stern talking to... never lays a hand on her or even raises her voice).
Click to expand...
Say nothing.
 
heelinhell said:
You are lucky ( or oblivious ? ) to be enjoying the "terrible twos" ;)

and yes, being patient, forgiving, and tolerant is a great default, but as the great ( not so great ? ) Mike Tyson said," Every one has a plan until they get punched in the mouth"

Be prepared to be punched in the mouth more than a few times in the coming years but try to remain true to the spirit of your default when you are sitting in the corner wishing your manager would toss the white towel into the ring
Click to expand...

I mean, the meltdowns can be tough sometimes, but really they don't happen all that often. I'm lucky that I get to spend 3-4 hours with him one on one every day, and then 8-10 hours one on one on the weekends, so I'm with him a lot. And he's really pretty chill, all things considered. And getting so smart. Last night he turned my hat around and said "Me turn daddy hat back ways" and I laughed and said "You did." Then he said, "Daddy look silly goose." I just had to laugh and laugh...his mind & language are becoming so complex.

And apropos of nothing, because I really just can't help myself, here he is at the Bear River a couple days ago...

20250428_171057.jpg
 
TarSpiel said:
I mean, the meltdowns can be tough sometimes, but really they don't happen all that often. I'm lucky that I get to spend 3-4 hours with him one on one every day, and then 8-10 hours one on one on the weekends, so I'm with him a lot. And he's really pretty chill, all things considered. And getting so smart. Last night he turned my hat around and said "Me turn daddy hat back ways" and I laughed and said "You did." Then he said, "Daddy look silly goose." I just had to laugh and laugh...his mind & language are becoming so complex.

And apropos of nothing, because I really just can't help myself, here he is at the Bear River a couple days ago...

20250428_171057.jpg
Click to expand...
Oh my goodness gracious, man, what an awesome little dude! Thanks a ton for sharing. That put a huge smile on my face. You are an awesome dad.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top