OGtruthhurts on tough love & parenting

[UNCatTech]

There's no doubt that I'm the black sheep of the family. I'm really not sure if that was avoidable. I was a terrible fit for my life.

I don't understand this as your presence here is a good thing. You seem to have a lot of insight and your post are informative.

 

[billybobblockhead]

One thing that I think my ex-wife and I have done/did well was that we took the long view on a lot of things for our kids. The way I describe it is, "I parent to help develop an awesome 20 year old adult that is confident, capable, and ready to thrive in an adult world, not to create the best 4 or 6 or 8 or 10 year old."

Great way to put it re: not developing the best 4-6 year old or 8-10 year old. Every year is a step toward adulthood, and the methods you used are good for new parents to consider!

 

[finesse]

I don't understand this as your presence here is a good thing. You seem to have a lot of insight and your post are informative.

Took a long time to get to where I am now. I was damned close to being insane by the time I got to UNC. I treated it with heavy sustained dosages of alcohol ,hallucinogens, pot and amphetamines. I went from 170 as an entering freshman to 116 at the end of my sophomore year. After a little time bouncing from couch to couch and some therapy, I kicked the amphetamines and started getting a grip on sane behavior again with moderate success. Got married and had two kids too soon. We'll skip over the really bad parts and say that, despite being in a pretty dysfunctional relationship, I'm still in that same relationship and have three kids and four grandkids I'm proud of.

A synopsis of the bad parts is that starting with a run of fairly extreme personal, family and financial problems and ending with my recent recovery from Stage 4 throat cancer, I can be as absolutely certain as I can be that tomorrow will not be nearly as bad as a day I haven't already lived through and there is nothing anyone can do or say that can cause me more pain than I've been through. I've lived a reasonably long life (As Mickey Mantle is quoted as saying, "If I'd have known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.") and I'm in a reasonably comfortable living situation with plenty of weed, music and books. "What, me worry"?

 

[heelinhell]

My current girlfriend has a 14 year-old. I struggle sometimes on what to say/ not say to her about parenting. She's an absolutely loving mother, and her daughter clearly adores her... still tells her pretty much everything that happens.

But my GF has strong streak of tiger mom in her. Her daughter is ALWAYS either studying or doing some activity that will look good on college applications. The GF is constantly giving her grief for not being focused enough in her studies. She spends hours every day going over her daughter's homework and helping her prep for tests. And if the daughter doesn't do well on a test, she lets her have it (stern talking to... never lays a hand on her or even raises her voice).

zoo says to say nothing to your GF about her parenting which is very good advice.

My question is whether your relationship is likely to be long term and her 14yo daughter will become a lasting part of your life.

In my therapy practice, I saw quite a few college students with her daughter's background who were wracked with anxiety, perfectionistic, and fearful of "failure"...they were tortured trying to live up to their parents' expectations.

Those student clients were high achievers yet totally miserable trying to meet the expectations placed upon them growing up.

I won't bore you with the details of my approach, but my mantra and theme throughout therapy was " dare to be average"

If you will be a significant person in her daughter's life in the years ahead where you have her trust then you can be a mitigating influence letting her know that is ok to be a bit less than perfect and THE shining star

 

[hedge]

Took a long time to get to where I am now. I was damned close to being insane by the time I got to UNC. I treated it with heavy sustained dosages of alcohol ,hallucinogens, pot and amphetamines. I went from 170 as an entering freshman to 116 at the end of my sophomore year. After a little time bouncing from couch to couch and some therapy, I kicked the amphetamines and started getting a grip on sane behavior again with moderate success. Got married and had two kids too soon. We'll skip over the really bad parts and say that, despite being in a pretty dysfunctional relationship, I'm still in that same relationship and have three kids and four grandkids I'm proud of.

A synopsis of the bad parts is that starting with a run of fairly extreme personal, family and financial problems and ending with my recent recovery from Stage 4 throat cancer, I can be as absolutely certain as I can be that tomorrow will not be nearly as bad as a day I haven't already lived through and there is nothing anyone can do or say that can cause me more pain than I've been through. I've lived a reasonably long life (As Mickey Mantle is quoted as saying, "If I'd have known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.") and I'm in a reasonably comfortable living situation with plenty of weed, music and books. "What, me worry"?

Speaking of having a hard time finding the right emoji to respond to a post. Hate to give a thumb's up to a post wherein you describe losing 50+ lbs. due to meth, but somehow I found the overall effect uplifting...

 

[heelinhell]

I mean, the meltdowns can be tough sometimes, but really they don't happen all that often. I'm lucky that I get to spend 3-4 hours with him one on one every day, and then 8-10 hours one on one on the weekends, so I'm with him a lot. And he's really pretty chill, all things considered. And getting so smart. Last night he turned my hat around and said "Me turn daddy hat back ways" and I laughed and said "You did." Then he said, "Daddy look silly goose." I just had to laugh and laugh...his mind & language are becoming so complex.

And apropos of nothing, because I really just can't help myself, here he is at the Bear River a couple days ago...

With him being so smart and his mind and language becoming so complex, I put the blame on you

Now the fact that he is cute as a button and destined to become a handsome young man ? I'm giving the credit to his mother

 

[NYCBlueBlood]

zoo says to say nothing to your GF about her parenting which is very good advice.

My question is whether your relationship is likely to be long term and her 14yo daughter will become a lasting part of your life.

In my therapy practice, I saw quite a few college students with her daughter's background who were wracked with anxiety, perfectionistic, and fearful of "failure"...they were tortured trying to live up to their parents' expectations.

Those student clients were high achievers yet totally miserable trying to meet the expectations placed upon them growing up.

I won't bore you with the details of my approach, but my mantra and theme throughout therapy was " dare to be average"

If you will be a significant person in her daughter's life in the years ahead where you have her trust then you can be a mitigating influence letting her know that is ok to be a bit less than perfect and THE shining star

I do plan on being in the relationship long term, and I do plan on being a part of the daughter's life (and her mine). Right now we're more of just buddies. Things are changing a bit as she becomes more teen, but historically I act more like an uncle who spoils her a bit. Her dad is a bit of a selfish turd, so my GF seems ok with me being a balance... particularly since I'm not spoiling her daily.

I worry a lot about the high anxiety level. I did my undergrad in Wharton at Penn, and the program was chock full of stressed out kids petrified of failure. My roommate's parents told him he was only there to do Wharton, so if he changed his major they would yank him out... they were NOT paying that sort of money for him to just get a degree. He had a bit of mental breakdown while there. But his mom was also batshit crazy, and said a lot of terrible things to him.

I sometimes try to tell my GF that she may have to learn to live with her daughter just being "average". She just changes the convo...

 

[TarSpiel]

my mantra and theme throughout therapy was " dare to be average"

Love it. Reminds me of Garrison Keillor's elegy for Lake Wobegon, where "all the children are above average"

Also when he teases the midwestern mindset, when a kid asks "Mom, am I smart?" she'd go "You're smart enough." "Am I good looking?" "You're good looking enough." I always thought there was so much wisdom there.

 

[heelinhell]

I do plan on being in the relationship long term, and I do plan on being a part of the daughter's life (and her mine). Right now we're more of just buddies. Things are changing a bit as she becomes more teen, but historically I act more like an uncle who spoils her a bit. Her dad is a bit of a selfish turd, so my GF seems ok with me being a balance... particularly since I'm not spoiling her daily.

I worry a lot about the high anxiety level. I did my undergrad in Wharton at Penn, and the program was chock full of stressed out kids petrified of failure. My roommate's parents told him he was only there to do Wharton, so if he changed his major they would yank him out... they were NOT paying that sort of money for him to just get a degree. He had a bit of mental breakdown while there. But his mom was also batshit crazy, and said a lot of terrible things to him.

I sometimes try to tell my GF that she may have to learn to live with her daughter just being "average". She just changes the convo...

Your experience with Wharton kids is like the kids I saw at dook**

Working with those kids was so difficult because my visceral impulse was to hug them and do a Mr. Rogers saying " I like you just the way you are"

 

[heelinhell]

Love it. Reminds me of Garrison Keillor's elegy for Lake Wobegon, where "all the children are above average"

Also when he teases the midwestern mindset, when a kid asks "Mom, am I smart?" she'd go "You're smart enough." "Am I good looking?" "You're good looking enough." I always thought there was so much wisdom there.

 

[BluHevn]

My mom was overbearing, anxious and worried all the time. My dad had a temper, probably because his dad was an alcoholic who beat his mom, and because he was in the Vietnam War. My mom worried all the time about what I was doing and my grades in school and how I was feeling. My dad and I had some big arguments that got a little physical when I was growing up. But he never asked me anything about how my day was at school, if I had homework, or how I was doing. I only remember him one time saying I love you to me. So that was me, gen X, having one parent who could be suffocating, and one who never expressed his feelings or even asked how my day was.

 

[ChapelHillSooner]

you not thinking it was the right spot is exactly proof of my points, but not unexpected or any offense taken at all. acceptance is hard when continually looking for an easy way out in life.

How did that belong on the thread about my struggles parenting a child with Autism?

Let me explain my child. He will flood the kitchen getting a drink of water by pulling the faucet to his mouth as if he is drinking from a water hose.

If yell at him, he will laugh because dad is being silly. If I get angry enough he will get scared but has no idea why I am angry at him. If I spanked him the same. If I try to take something he likes away, he will never connect the dots.

His comprehension of actions and consequences are minimal at best. That is best demonstrated when he takes something he likes and throws it over the fence because he also likes to see things fly over the fence. No recognition that throwing something over the fence means you lose that thing you like.

So, yes, with years of work you can teach him to do or not do some things but it takes years and years.

I agree that parenting requires tough love sometimes but that isn’t really relevant to my situation.

 

[ColdBlueSteel]

That's the unfortunate part of things - the impact. It's something that I can't relate to because my parents weren't physically abusive but I do remember, in extreme detail, the ONE time I got smacked on the butt by my dad. It wasn't even that hard, but it sticks in my mind 40 years later.

I can't imagine being on the side of what you and others went through.

What sticks in my mind is the belt spanking my brothers and I got after acting up in church one Sunday. My dad was in the choir and sat up high behind the pulpit looking out over the congregation and saw us creating a stir.

He let us know we were going to get a belting, but belting just wasn’t him. He did it, but he didn’t want to and I’m pretty sure he was teary as he was going through with what he thought he was supposed to do. I don’t remember my own pain but sure as hell remember his. Didn’t do that again.

 

[UNCatTech]

What sticks in my mind is the belt spanking my brothers and I got after acting up in church one Sunday. My dad was in the choir and sat up high behind the pulpit looking out over the congregation and saw us creating a stir.

He let us know we were going to get a belting, but belting just wasn’t him. He did it, but he didn’t want to and I’m pretty sure he was teary as he was going through with what he thought he was supposed to do. I don’t remember my own pain but sure as hell remember his. Didn’t do that again.

Spare the rod and spoil the child. So many parents were mislead by this.

It's pretty powerful that you remember his pain.

 

[Peppers49]

The thing I always wonder about posters like OG... are they ***holes in their real life, or do they come here to let it out because they can't be one in real life, this causes great frustration... so they find somewhere else to let loose their inner ***hole.

The age old Internet forum question lol. Over the years I see people on IC talk about how they sometimes do meetups for tailgates, etc. On the one hand I would be curious to meet some of the more “out there” posters just to see what they are actually like in real life, but at the end of the day I prefer the anonymity of these forums.

 

[NYCBlueBlood]

The age old Internet forum question lol. Over the years I see people on IC talk about how they sometimes do meetups for tailgates, etc. On the one hand I would be curious to meet some of the more “out there” posters just to see what they are actually like in real life, but at the end of the day I prefer the anonymity of these forums.

Back in the day I met a fair number of the IC HOF types. But being in NYC I was never a part of the truly legendary meet-ups.

 

[SnoopRob]

The age old Internet forum question lol. Over the years I see people on IC talk about how they sometimes do meetups for tailgates, etc. On the one hand I would be curious to meet some of the more “out there” posters just to see what they are actually like in real life, but at the end of the day I prefer the anonymity of these forums.

I was involved with some Board of the Bored (BoB), an offshoot of IC, meetups plus a couple of small IC meetups about 20 years ago. Most of the people were just normal folks.

The only real outlier I met was KeyserHeel. He was a great guy, but he was about as unpredictable in real life as he was on the board. Despite that, I really enjoyed the time I spent with him. RIP, Keyser.

 

[StrangePackage]

The age old Internet forum question lol. Over the years I see people on IC talk about how they sometimes do meetups for tailgates, etc. On the one hand I would be curious to meet some of the more “out there” posters just to see what they are actually like in real life, but at the end of the day I prefer the anonymity of these forums.

I'm excited for the next ZZLP meetup, where GT has promised to perform a Nazi salute.

 

[NYCBlueBlood]

I was involved with some Board of the Bored (BoB), an offshoot of IC, meetups plus a couple of small IC meetups about 20 years ago. Most of the people were just normal folks.

The only real outlier I met was KeyserHeel. He was a great guy, but he was about as unpredictable in real life as he was on the board. Despite that, I really enjoyed the time I spent with him. RIP, Keyser.

ManhattanHeel, NOG and ChrisHeel were probably the most off the wall posters I met... DC/Vince was much more chill than the retired marine/ marathon runner type I expected him to be.

 

[finesse]

I met quite a lot of them starting with the premium get togethers for the Memorial Day get togethers for the Bob Gibbons basketball tournament to Wenchfest that was a collaboration between ZZL and BoB featuring the famous Anna to a barbecue held by Daheelusay that also featured the appearance of Buddy and Keyserheel. May you all rest in peace. Had 3-4 poster as clients, been to a couple of other's houses and attended a get together at Linda's involving mostly HeelTalk people. There was only two posters I had a problem with. One was personal and I won't name names. The other was Coach Ron Miles (RIP). I volunteered to help in put in a Pergo floor before his child was born. He wanted to pay me. I told him I'd rather do it for a bottle of decent whiskey than make it a job. The desperation with which we shared the first drink after the job was done sacred me for him fand for where I could see me headed. I made a quick excuse to leave saying I didn't drive anywhere close to drunk (true).