Therapy who’s in it and who’s not?

[UNCatTech]

I did a lot of time with a marriage counselor 15 and more years ago, it finally came to light that she thought the counselor was a referee and not a guiding force. We made it 28.5 years and then agreed to let it go, that was 7 years back.
We're still friends . .

It's good that you are still friends.

My hope is that if my wife and I can't work things out and go out separate ways, that we can be friends. We have a thirty year history, that had meaning and I don't want to diminish it by hating her.

 

[SmilingJack]

It's good that you are still friends.

My hope is that if my wife and I can't work things out and go out separate ways, that we can be friends. We have a thirty year history, that had meaning and I don't want to diminish it by hating her.

My main reason for being in therapy at 67 years old was that after 43 years of marriage my wife and I decided that we needed a break. I got an apartment within walking distance of the house but could go home after work and decompress without having to come home to a list of what needed to be done around the house. I’m kind of a workaholic and being self employed do 10-12 hour days. When my daughter started working with me at the beginning of the pandemic she said that we were insane and that I had to change the paradigm. So I thought that we were unique and then found out that there is a recent movement called “LAT” or living apart together!
Again I am fortunate that I have the ability to do this but we’re seeing a rejuvenation of why we fell in love so long ago. We’re still working on things like who drives us on trips and yet we seem to be better at appreciating each other’s boundaries and needs. It started primarily due to my snoring and my wife’s sleep issues but we now know it was a whole lot more than that. Bottom line is that there’s no 3rd parties involved just location of where we sleep! We still meet up romantically on Sunday mornings and vacations it’s just that after 43 years we have decided to change a pattern of behavior that wasn’t working. I’m so lucky that my daughter was so strong in her belief that there was a better way than what we were doing. Everyone will have to find their own ways of dealing with life but it’s always cool to know alternatives to the old tropes.

 

[EyeballKid]

I’m all in.

Grew up in a family where therapy/mental health care was joked about as un-manly, sissy, ******, weak, etc.

That had deep roots, and prevented me from seeking necessary care when I was in my teens/twenties. To be fair, nothing in terms of bipolar or mania or things on a large scale that would indicate a serious mental health crisis. But there were always signs of clinical depression that neither I nor my fam recognized.

When I was in my late 20s, in grad school, a confluence of events (death of my stepdad, simultaneous break-up with a girlfriend, a very serious health scare, and unwarranted feelings of inadequacy in grad school) led me to drop out and led to a years-long depression.

Because I dropped out of a PhD program, (never actually received the MA—completed all coursework but the thesis, since I thought I’d return for the whole boat), I spiraled deeper.

That spiral lasted for ~7 years.

It wasn’t till I moved to NC several years later and began dating a woman who worked in public health/mental health advocacy—and upon her urging—that I sought out a therapist.

Best move I’ve ever made.

 

[heelinhell]

Oh I am sure it is me. I find them to be quackish and want me to do things I find silly like breathing exercises and centering. Internally Im just being an asshole and rolling my eyes. I came to terms with the fact that I am who I am in that regard and being more fitness focused has helped a ton.

Like I said, I know the fault lies with me.

I was a practicing psychotherapist for over 40 years, and I'm pretty sure it's not you based upon your description of your experience with previous therapists.

For many of the folks I saw, the core issue was the devaluation of their selves and feeling the societal ( and family ) pressure to change and become a better/different person than who they really were. I am heartened that you have come to accept yourself as you are... and you did it without breathing and centering