Therapy who’s in it and who’s not?

[UNCatTech]

I did a lot of time with a marriage counselor 15 and more years ago, it finally came to light that she thought the counselor was a referee and not a guiding force. We made it 28.5 years and then agreed to let it go, that was 7 years back.
We're still friends . .

It's good that you are still friends.

My hope is that if my wife and I can't work things out and go out separate ways, that we can be friends. We have a thirty year history, that had meaning and I don't want to diminish it by hating her.

 

[SmilingJack]

It's good that you are still friends.

My hope is that if my wife and I can't work things out and go out separate ways, that we can be friends. We have a thirty year history, that had meaning and I don't want to diminish it by hating her.

My main reason for being in therapy at 67 years old was that after 43 years of marriage my wife and I decided that we needed a break. I got an apartment within walking distance of the house but could go home after work and decompress without having to come home to a list of what needed to be done around the house. I’m kind of a workaholic and being self employed do 10-12 hour days. When my daughter started working with me at the beginning of the pandemic she said that we were insane and that I had to change the paradigm. So I thought that we were unique and then found out that there is a recent movement called “LAT” or living apart together!
Again I am fortunate that I have the ability to do this but we’re seeing a rejuvenation of why we fell in love so long ago. We’re still working on things like who drives us on trips and yet we seem to be better at appreciating each other’s boundaries and needs. It started primarily due to my snoring and my wife’s sleep issues but we now know it was a whole lot more than that. Bottom line is that there’s no 3rd parties involved just location of where we sleep! We still meet up romantically on Sunday mornings and vacations it’s just that after 43 years we have decided to change a pattern of behavior that wasn’t working. I’m so lucky that my daughter was so strong in her belief that there was a better way than what we were doing. Everyone will have to find their own ways of dealing with life but it’s always cool to know alternatives to the old tropes.

 

[EyeballKid]

I’m all in.

Grew up in a family where therapy/mental health care was joked about as un-manly, sissy, ******, weak, etc.

That had deep roots, and prevented me from seeking necessary care when I was in my teens/twenties. To be fair, nothing in terms of bipolar or mania or things on a large scale that would indicate a serious mental health crisis. But there were always signs of clinical depression that neither I nor my fam recognized.

When I was in my late 20s, in grad school, a confluence of events (death of my stepdad, simultaneous break-up with a girlfriend, a very serious health scare, and unwarranted feelings of inadequacy in grad school) led me to drop out and led to a years-long depression.

Because I dropped out of a PhD program, (never actually received the MA—completed all coursework but the thesis, since I thought I’d return for the whole boat), I spiraled deeper.

That spiral lasted for ~7 years.

It wasn’t till I moved to NC several years later and began dating a woman who worked in public health/mental health advocacy—and upon her urging—that I sought out a therapist.

Best move I’ve ever made.

 

[heelinhell]

Oh I am sure it is me. I find them to be quackish and want me to do things I find silly like breathing exercises and centering. Internally Im just being an asshole and rolling my eyes. I came to terms with the fact that I am who I am in that regard and being more fitness focused has helped a ton.

Like I said, I know the fault lies with me.

I was a practicing psychotherapist for over 40 years, and I'm pretty sure it's not you based upon your description of your experience with previous therapists.

For many of the folks I saw, the core issue was the devaluation of their selves and feeling the societal ( and family ) pressure to change and become a better/different person than who they really were. I am heartened that you have come to accept yourself as you are... and you did it without breathing and centering

 

[8992Tiger]

Interesting and timely topic for me. I have never been in therapy, but Mrs. 8992Tiger and I are helping my 22 yo get some help. He lives in Raleigh and was in grad school at State (mechanical engr) but had to withdraw because he was really struggling to manage his life - socially, academically, emotionally, etc. He seems to be dealing with depression and has coped with cannabis and nicotine. It is the hardest f'ing thing in the world to see your kid go through that, but I know many on here have been through similar and worse challenges. He is open to therapy, but hasn't taken action. Thankfully, he also seems open to us taking action and making appointments with him. He will roll into town today and we are gonna take him visit a residential place called Red Oaks between Boiling Springs and Forest City. I'm not convinced he needs residential, but they are nearby, available and have a diversity of expertise on staff, so it will be an interesting visit. The wife and I hope that he stays open to our suggestions and doesn't feel like we are controlling, disappointed, down on him, etc.

Thankfully, Mrs. 8992Tiger has a degree in psychology and masters in counseling, so she knows a crap-ton more about this than me and can navigate. My 24 yo was a psyc/music major, and his mantra is that everyone should see a therapist at least once. I'm beginning to believe that.

 

[8992Tiger]

I’m all in.

Grew up in a family where therapy/mental health care was joked about as un-manly, sissy, ******, weak, etc.

That had deep roots, and prevented me from seeking necessary care when I was in my teens/twenties. To be fair, nothing in terms of bipolar or mania or things on a large scale that would indicate a serious mental health crisis. But there were always signs of clinical depression that neither I nor my fam recognized.

When I was in my late 20s, in grad school, a confluence of events (death of my stepdad, simultaneous break-up with a girlfriend, a very serious health scare, and unwarranted feelings of inadequacy in grad school) led me to drop out and led to a years-long depression.

Because I dropped out of a PhD program, (never actually received the MA—completed all coursework but the thesis, since I thought I’d return for the whole boat), I spiraled deeper.

That spiral lasted for ~7 years.

It wasn’t till I moved to NC several years later and began dating a woman who worked in public health/mental health advocacy—and upon her urging—that I sought out a therapist.

Best move I’ve ever made.

Wow. I read this after I posted about my son. Your post really provides reason for optimism. Thanks!

ETA: That is, optimism about therapy and the fact that you are in a better place. It sucks that you had to deal with that for 7 years.

 

[uncgriff]

 

[heelinhell]

Wow. I read this after I posted about my son. Your post really provides reason for optimism. Thanks!

ETA: That is, optimism about therapy and the fact that you are in a better place. It sucks that you had to deal with that for 7 years.

Yeah, the key is to find a therapist who can intuit the core issues and can connect in a meaningful way with you.

I taught grad students and psychiatry residents for a number of years and would advise them :

1 )In the very first session your client/ patient will inform you what is the core issue, so pay close attention and if needed during the course of therapy refer back to your notes from the 1st session to remind you why the person sitting across from you is there.

2 ) When all else fails, listen to your clients/patients. It's not about you; it's about them

 

[UNCatTech]

Interesting and timely topic for me. I have never been in therapy, but Mrs. 8992Tiger and I are helping my 22 yo get some help. He lives in Raleigh and was in grad school at State (mechanical engr) but had to withdraw because he was really struggling to manage his life - socially, academically, emotionally, etc. He seems to be dealing with depression and has coped with cannabis and nicotine. It is the hardest f'ing thing in the world to see your kid go through that, but I know many on here have been through similar and worse challenges. He is open to therapy, but hasn't taken action. Thankfully, he also seems open to us taking action and making appointments with him. He will roll into town today and we are gonna take him visit a residential place called Red Oaks between Boiling Springs and Forest City. I'm not convinced he needs residential, but they are nearby, available and have a diversity of expertise on staff, so it will be an interesting visit. The wife and I hope that he stays open to our suggestions and doesn't feel like we are controlling, disappointed, down on him, etc.

Thankfully, Mrs. 8992Tiger has a degree in psychology and masters in counseling, so she knows a crap-ton more about this than me and can navigate. My 24 yo was a psyc/music major, and his mantra is that everyone should see a therapist at least once. I'm beginning to believe that.

It's great that your son is open. I wish you all the best in finding the right therapist.

My only advise is to be very diligent in vetting an inpatient facility.

My middle daughter spent time in at least 10, most of which were glorified babysitters.

A couple were really helpful.

 

[8992Tiger]

It's great that your son is open. I wish you all the best in finding the right therapist.

My only advise is to be very diligent in vetting an inpatient facility.

My middle daughter spent time in at least 10, most of which were glorified babysitters.

A couple were really helpful.

Good point on the vetting. Thanks!

 

[wmheel1287]

Wow. I read this after I posted about my son. Your post really provides reason for optimism. Thanks!

ETA: That is, optimism about therapy and the fact that you are in a better place. It sucks that you had to deal with that for 7 years.

I sent you a PM

 

[keywestheel]

I was in therapy for years and spent tens of thousands of dollars. Little did I know it's really nothing more than you have to help yourself and I could have found the exact same self help tools and more at the local library for free.

Thankfully I was able to resist the numerous prescriptions from therapists over the years which I feel do a lot more harm than good. I've never felt better after years of depression and constant anxiety.

 

[SmilingJack]

I showed this to my therapist the first session and he laughed his ass off! Had never seen it!?! But after that I was like “He’s me?!?”
When he said that there wasn’t any destination I kinda felt like WTF I pay you like my dealer or something? But now I’m starting to get it as the people I love most are noticing that I’m changing and they want to be around me more? So apparently the more I like myself the more other people do to? Weird but that’s apparently how it works!?!

 

[Centerpiece]

I’m a believer in it.
I’ve never been to therapy myself, but I probably could have used it when I was 9-10 years old. I was a total wreck for close to a year. Various reasons I won’t go into here, but that time in my life definitely made me how I feel about certain things to this day.

My wife has a good therapist she likes… and my wife is always telling me I need it! Haha.
And she’s prolly right. But it seems to be helping her, that and meds.
She suffers from severe depression, you see her father committed suicide in 1993 and it crushed my wife. I met her in Charlotte a year later in 1994. Absolutely fabulous person. She is what a human being is supposed to be… but I’d notice her breaking down and crying uncontrollably for a solid hour… 4 or 5 times per year-devastating depression. Totally conflicted about her father’s passing - who we surmised suffered from severe depression too. Until….

But my wife soldier’s own, still trying to save the world… and her therapist “Gwen” seems to be a good one.

I’m a believer in it.

 

[SmilingJack]

I’m a believer in it.
I’ve never been to therapy myself, but I probably could have used it when I was 9-10 years old. I was a total wreck for close to a year. Various reasons I won’t go into here, but that time in my life definitely made me how I feel about certain things to this day.

My wife has a good therapist she likes… and my wife is always telling me I need it! Haha.
And she’s prolly right. But it seems to be helping her, that and meds.
She suffers from severe depression, you see her father committed suicide in 1993 and it crushed my wife. I met her in Charlotte a year later in 1994. Absolutely fabulous person. She is what a human being is supposed to be… but I’d notice her breaking down and crying uncontrollably for a solid hour… 4 or 5 times per year-devastating depression. Totally conflicted about her father’s passing - who we surmised suffered from severe depression too. Until….

But my wife soldier’s own, still trying to save the world… and her therapist “Gwen” seems to be a good one.

I’m a believer in it.

It seems to be a recurring theme with everyone that previous traumatic shit never just allows us to “Get over it!” (Think PTSD). Which is what society and ourselves tend to tell us. Don’t know what that little 9-10 year old went through but he’s no doubt still protecting you! I suspect it’s time for you to take care of him by dealing with that shit and letting him go back to being a child? That’s what happened with me but you should do both/all of you a favor and give it a shot!

 

[Callatoroy]

Blown away by this thread. Never needed it so never been but we took my oldest and middle child a few times. I attribute much of it in younger people to the negative effects of social media. Can’t imagine having family relationships hurt by politics. I firmly believe that it isn’t the actual politics but rather the damage done in how it’s reported and portrayed by the media. I wonder if people who are on this board for much of the day and everyday get some type of therapeutic benefit from it.?

 

[SmilingJack]

Blown away by this thread. Never needed it so never been but we took my oldest and middle child a few times. I attribute much of it in younger people to the negative effects of social media. Can’t imagine having family relationships hurt by politics. I firmly believe that it isn’t the actual politics but rather the damage done in how it’s reported and portrayed by the media. I wonder if people who are on this board for much of the day and everyday get some type of therapeutic benefit from it.?

Just going to hope you do too! You always do you but if you can seek help for your downline it might be logical that they get a lot more from you than the social media but I can’t make you sit with that! Hopefully they are doing better and found someone else who is listening instead of trying to find somebody to blame! I appreciate your willingness to at least give it a shot for your children and recommend that you give it a shot!

 

[Callatoroy]

Just going to hope you do too! You always do you but if you can seek help for your downline it might be logical that they get a lot more from you than the social media but I can’t make you sit with that! Hopefully they are doing better and found someone else who is listening instead of trying to find somebody to blame! I appreciate your willingness to at least give it a shot for your children and recommend that you give it a shot!

Im not against it if I felt I needed it. My life is pretty good right now in that im content with what I have. I have good relationships with my kids and feel they have a good grasp on social media and I think I have taught them to not trust nor distrust the media but to verify, understanding that often they are only getting parts of the story. I can’t understand why highly educated people allow the toxicity of politics to ruin friendships or family relationships. My life improved greatly when I learned to turn politics off and quit allowing the media to manipulate my feelings. A lot of anger I felt due to politics went away when I put myself in control rather than ceding control to the media.

One of the posts in this thread made me think of the last episode of Landman when Tommy was giving his son advice on how to fix things with his girlfriend and advice on women in general. I thought based on some of my experiences with women that it was great advice.

Im supportive of people getting whatever help they need from whomever is effective in helping them. Im almost positive I could fix many people on here if they would just accept what I tell them

 

[pspsps]

I was in therapy for years and spent tens of thousands of dollars. Little did I know it's really nothing more than you have to help yourself and I could have found the exact same self help tools and more at the local library for free.

Thankfully I was able to resist the numerous prescriptions from therapists over the years which I feel do a lot more harm than good. I've never felt better after years of depression and constant anxiety.

Are you talking about a psychiatrist because my experience is that therapists do not prescribe medications?

 

[SmilingJack]

You realize it’s not about you?
Right?