Well at least you're still here. Any update?
BTW, working out is one of the best ways of dealing. It's better than sitting on the sofa with a cigarette shouting Fuck intermittently (h/t Jake Johansen). Or gorging on wings or binge-watching Star Wars.
Nothing good. Most is incomprehensible. As I said she had a very rough family life. Single mother who was an alcoholic and drug user. Would take off for weeks with her having to figure out how to care for her brothers. Finally the mom took off with her two younger brothers when she was 15 and she spent the rest of high school.
I don’t remember what I said here but after I sent her $1000 and she told me that our plans will probably be changing / pushed back, I told her she owed me that info first.
She got into how not even her ex husband knows the story of her growing up and that she shared it with me (I was there but didn’t really know it though my mom did) and I used it against her.
I am baffled because I have never ever used it against her or even mentioned it. She then said she would give me the money back because she doesn’t want me to use it over her.
I told her that was unfair. I told her about two friends who have owed me more than $1000 each for 20 years and never paid it back and I have never once mentioned it to either.
Well she is one of them. I had no idea if she even remembers. But I think she does and that upset her. I was not calling her out. I was trying to defend myself saying I don’t hold money over people and I intentionally did not mention her. In retrospect I should have just mentioned my other friend.
But while I don’t want to embarrass her (and I tried not to) that history does play a role here. Because we talked for years before that. (This was years after we date.). She told me she was mailing the rest of the money but it never fame. Then pretty quickly she dropped off.
It is clear she was embarrassed that her and her husband couldn’t pay me back but it wasn’t about the money to me. It was about losing a friend because I helped her family out.
So when this happened this week it triggered those memories.
I really think that she is viewing everything from her perspective and not putting herself in my shoes. I am not thinking of embarrassing her. I just need to protect myself.
She took it like we talked of being a partnership and my response revealed otherwise. You know, we are a partnership but she is in Denver now. Things are not the same as if we were together: especially when she springs it on me that our plans could be delayed by six months.
I told her by October she may have reconciled with her daughter and now has a new precious grandchild. That may not be her plan, but I know how life works. I know that her family is priority number one and that our plans may never come to fruition.
And I deserved to know that before giving her money for a car.
Here is her last response.
“I am not trying to punish you or anything with a silent treatment. This was more than just a trigger moment. It was an insight on the future and I have my suspicions currently that you are going to make me pay for what others have done to you in the past. I also have this strong feeling that there was truth behind your words, even though you had been drinking. And I am trying to process all of it. It wasn’t hurting my feelings, it hit me to the core how everything changed so quickly. It wasn’t a “misunderstanding”. I understood your tone when it changed while we talked on the phone. And I had already known deep down inside that this is where we were headed, and that is why I was trying to work through it on my own first before talking to you about it.
And it wasn’t just you being a “dick” as you like to say. It was a big reveal on how you feel about us. There is more to this thought. But I simply don’t have the emotional energy into it right now. I appreciate your insight. I need you to believe me when I say that I will always choose my ability to handle my shit on my own because nobody can hold that over my head.”
The conversation on the phone was Friday night when she said about her daughter being pregnant. My only response was “oh, okay” but with disappointment.
The drunk part was texts early Saturday. I was not drunk. I said three things:
1. It wasn’t fair for you to tell me the change of plans until after I gave you money. I did request it back.
2. I said it is hard being in a long distance relationship when I don’t get responses to 12+ hours when you are home.
3. Add that for some reason you don’t want me visiting and it is hard to handle. I emphasized that I wasn’t making any type of claim but instead just hoping we can do things to make that easier - especially if the time to get together is now up in the air.
I was probably still high. I was probably a bit paranoid. But it wasn’t drunk talking. It was something I spent all night ruminating on.
