last week the board decided to pile on me for some reasomn. i got exceedingly frustrated and broke fingers in my left hand punching a wall. i cant type well and voice recognition works poorly for me because i cant pronounce one letter correctly. i am adding this only because people are so eager to judge people they dont know. its all fund and games until someone gets hurt.
*here are some things that people maybe dont know about me, first, i am autistic but never diagnosed and have only come recently to that realization. its one reason prob that i miss a lot of social nuance. i also dont get memes involving faces or emojis though the latter are most often used to insult me so i dont pay much attention.
*my sociali development as a young child was set back by being abused by family, and being excluded from social activities due to being pushed ahead three grades. also the teachers used to openly mock me in class because they thought it was fun to boost their standing with kids by making fun of the same people the kids did.
*i am naturally inclined toward homosexuality. but i cant possibly be gay because i have no idea hoow to do that, esp when i was younger. i can barely navigate the most common social situations. plus ive seen from friends and family life as a gay man is full of pain and rejection and i cant take that. plus i am not very good looking but i can be charming with women. so i decided a while back that my best bet was to get so good at sex that no woman in her right mind would want to leave me. i have succeeded and its the only accomplishment i am proud of. i enjoy giving my wife hours of pleasure until she is pudding on the bed and cant really move, but i dont get much personal fulfillment. i have to take care of myself.
*i have been open about my mental health struggles. what people dont know is that psych meds often lose effectiveness over time. they dont just stop working,. they just do less and it is hard to notice. i thought i was super stressed and off kilter because of election. i now think my meds were also wearing off and i didnt realize it because i thought it was just fear of fascism. i have been in therapy, but there is only so much that can do.
*what people do know about me is that i am intelligent, whether threy want to admit it or not. my iq is in the 150s. that is an objective fact in the universe. i cant make that go away. for most people that is the end of the story, i am full of myself and thus deserving of scorn. for me it is just the beginning. it doesnt make me superior as a person to have this talent (and it pretty much my onlty one, unless you count inadvertently alienating people). i still have to get by in the world. it is both blessing and curse. i dont claim to manage it perfectly or even well. i do my best.
here is an example. when i was in geometry class, the teacher used to explain problems by making fun of me. explaining the concept of triangles having the same ratio of sides even if the side length is different, he said its like if [super] built a shrink ray and shrank everyones pizza slices. they would be less filling but they would all add up to a circle. i finallty got sick of it and said that he didnt have to bring me into every explanation. he said that i i got 100 on everything anyway so i should learn to have a sense of humor. i told him in these words that he was a fucking dickhead who liked other dicks. it was homophobic but i was 10 and i didnt care. i got sent to the principals office and then i did every day until finally the principal wanted to know what happened. it had happened with other teachers but this was the worst. i told him that i was going to do it every single day until they just gave me the final exam and let me get out of class in jan. i aced it. the teacher was fired over the summer. nobody ever apologized to me.
so i took it on myself not to let that happen to me anymore. the next fall and throughout hs, i made it a point near the beginning of every class to call out the teachers when they would make mistakes. there are teachers here. y'all dont know how many mistakes you make. at least mine didnt. and then i would tell them that if they tried to humiliate me like mr. f, then i would humiliate them in return by exposing how stupid they were. it worked. blessing and curse. it was not the best way to handle it maybe but i was 11 and was dealing with that bullshit by myself.
*my dad used to punish me as a young boy by driving me somewhere miles from home, making me get out of the car and driving away. find your own way home. it was usually in a police car. but when the cop asked me where i went to school and i referred to the middle school at age 8, his attitude changed. i didnt need much protection i guess because i was smart. he told my dad that it wasnt the right thing to do even though i would be able to find my way home. no charges though. so it was up to me. in the car i took some of my dads business cards and when i got out i started hurling rocks through every store window around, and then put my dads card inside. told him it was going to cost him all that money everytime he did that. he stopped doing it and reverted to plain ole physical violence. but he was slow and fat and most of the time he could not catch me. sometimes i got pummeled but i preferred it to being abandoned. blessing and curse.
*so in the end i guess i come across as arrogrant. enouigh people tell me that. i do the best i can. at some point it is too exhausting to try to be someone else -- for instance by getting Bs which was an unsuccessful strategy for dealing with my teachers, or pretending not to understand health economics. so i am me, the best version of me that i can be, i am actually a good person i think but i am a repressed gay (or maybe trans adjacent) autistic dude with a history of abuse and other incidents nobody wants to hear about. nobody wanted to hear the above stuff either but i have to pad my post somehow to get it to proper super length.
i am not planning on posting here. typing is a problem. so is the fact that i have no desire to hang out where so many people clearly loathe me. so i will solve your super ignore problems for you.
but for the sake of decency, people -- especially progressives or liberals -- need to stop punching down on others. that is my message here. stop punching down. and since you might not know who is up or down, if you dont know them or what formed them, maybe stop punching. and if you want to deflecty responsibility by saying that i do it too, i dont care. i dont pick fights but i react to them. maybe i do more than that and dont realize it. regardless whether or not i am a hypocrite does not make your behavior ok.
